Three fingers or four

Mine's a pint

2012-02-24T11:35:00.002Z

This is one of the cartoons I'm drawing for an ongoing project. Basically they're to illustrate a safety manual and stress, in the above case, the dangers of entering an area contaminated with cyanide without the correct breathing equipment. Most people see a few spy films on TV or something about the last days of WWII and think that cyanide only comes in the form of capsules that the baddies bite onto... but noooooo! It's a very common substance, in small amounts. The mining industry does however use a large amount and the manual stresses the dangers.
Image used with kind permission of the author. I don't know to much about copy-write but if anyone uses this cartoon I'll stamp on your head and kill your dog. I'm pretty sure that's what copy-write infringement is!!

Taking the piss

2012-02-22T12:08:00.001Z

I had a blind friend round for dinner once, nothing special, cheese on toast. I gave him the cheese grater and said I had to have a pee. Came back and he said it was the worst book he'd ever read! Guide dogs are clever. They know exactly where they're going. If your sat nav ever breaks down just grab the nearest guide dog and say, Manchester!! You'll b there before tea time... quicker if you let him drive!

Forget me not

2012-02-12T22:09:00.000Z

I don't know about this elephants never forgetting idea. My best friend is an elephant and he's always late if we've arranged to meet up, keeps saying, "sorry I forgot it was today." He's even got a bit of string with a knot in it but he can't remember if it's his bit of string, the knot is his which makes me think it's his bit of string. He keeps all his receipts but doesn't have one for string although he does have a receipt for a length of rope. I suggested that if he bought it from a very tall person then to them it might be string!! Trouble is, he can't remember where the shop is so we're still none the wiser. He was on Mastermind once but passed on all his questions.

Ohh aah, jester a little bit

2012-01-30T20:35:00.001Z

These are the finals inks and one of the finished colour artworks for a recently completed job. BEST client EVER!!! Those of you in the know (or who don't get out much) might recognise some of the references included in each character. Jesters as I mentioned previously are alive (not if I had a loaded gun) and well in old Blighty. I'd like to say a big hello to Jonathan the Jester, official jester to the city of Sailsbury. If you're reading this, er... want a cartoon, eh? like what you see? I'm cheap!!!

It's a man's best friend's life in the army

2012-01-23T22:07:00.003Z

In 1969 John Lennon famously returned his medal, the MBE he and the rest of The Beatles were each awarded four years earlier. But at least it was his choice. In 1943 Chips was awarded the distinguished service medal. Chips was part of the US 3rd infantry division. The medal was awarded for, "Courageous action in singlehandedly eliminating a dangerous machine gun nest and causing the surrender of the crew". Four months later the medal was rescinded. Chips was a dog!! Half husky, half shepherd but all action hero! Either Chips was unique in being able to use a machine gun or he must have looked so cute in his little army uniform, so cute in fact that the Germans were distracted enough for Chips to steal their weapons and bury them outside. Chips decided that his future lay not with he army but with the air force and was part of the team put together by Professor Openheimer to develop the atomic bomb. Chips' legacy lived on however in the Vietnam War. His son, Fries, was the inspiration for the Robert Duvall character in Apocalypse Now. Fries would arise every day to announce, "I love the smell of my own arse in the morning."

Keeping abreast of things

2012-01-21T20:40:00.002Z

This is an unsold topical cartoon so it's a bit late to find a market for it so... I really can believe the sheer nerve of these women who have been informed that there breast implants might blow up should their speed drop below 50 mph... or something. Now it was their decision to have these implants purely as a vanity exercise. Non of these women were told by a doctor, I'm sorry, Miss. You have leukaemia, but if you decide to have bigger tits you will be cured!! Now they're insisting that the national health (that's Mr. and Mrs. Tax payer) should foot the bill! Bugger off. You're so vain and celebrity obsessed that you're all, Oooh! I want big tities, I want to be like Jordan or that other girl Katie Price. But now it's all gone... tits up, you want us to pay for them. If I'd had a it of a play around with them, maybe. But no, you're own ladies.

Wiki-wacky-pedia

2012-01-18T18:38:00.001Z

Something all over the news is that Wikipedia isn't up today, well the English version anyway. A lot of people say how unreliable the thing is but I'll have none it. If it wasn't for Wikipedia I'd never have known That World War two was actually a prequel to World War one. WWI was so successful that dictators in Europe immediately ordered another one. The second World War stared Tom Hanks and Matt Damon (who played the parts of three sisters working as French prostitutes. When two of them caught the clap Tom Hanks had to find and shag the third one) Also featured in the prequel was Clint Eastwood who led a team of misfits behind enemy lines to steal a thousand jars of Gold Blend coffee right from under the noses of the Australians. The war was originally in black & white until the Welsh bombed Pearl Gabor, Greta's sister, and America brought colour into the European theatre of operations (along with stockings and gum) Other well known stars in the war were Frank Sinatra, who had an express train named after him, Liam Neeson who was obsessed with to do lists and a whole bunch of scruffy unwashed soldiers, dirty buggers, at least a dozen of them. Then there were all the escape attempts. Many famous actors escaped the war such as Richard Attenbourough. He went on to marry Ghandi and put a lot of money into breeding dinosaurs who then attacked all the Germans and they surrendered. Then the dinosaurs killed Godzilla and the Japanese surrendered and that was it. There might have been a few, "citations needed" but I believe every word, because most of it was filmed and it's on Sky movies!!

A rare insight, part 1

2012-01-14T11:02:00.000Z

I thought I'd share a little bit of the real me with the world, yes, the world!!! my blog is big in Costa Rica. The one television that the island has is in the repair shop at the moment. In my bathroom (where, in MTV terminology, the magic happens) I have a charming collection of whimsical figurines called Boggies.

Now, to the uninitiated or the ignorant, they may simply look like the inside of bog rolls with faces scribbled on them. They do in fact magically transport themselves from the faraway land of Anderex-cushelle. A land of fairy folk and pixies who live in upturned teapots and sleep on beds of old tea bags.

These simple but magical folk as nothing in return, they don't value money and simply require me to leave my old teabags out on the window sill overnight and in the morning they have left me a brand new Boggie. So I ask everyone out there to do likewise and soon your house will seem a happier brighter place... oh, hello, nurse! Is it time for my medication already?

I'm Henry the eighth, I am

2012-01-10T14:58:00.000Z

What the hell was that on TV last night? I was watching the FA cup highlights and what looked like Only Fools and Horses' Uncle Albert had blacked up and came on as a substitute for Arsenal!! What has Thierry Henry being doing since he left Arsenal? Set p his own badger reserve? We're led to believe he's been playing for the New York Red Bulls Give You Wings in the American inter-Continental soccer league east conference. I think he replaced Tom Hanks on that island and has only just been rescued. In all fairness to him, what a goal, what a story. The way he took that lateral pass from his defensive tight end and rushed for eight yards before beating the Leeds linebacker then slam-dunking the ball passed the on rushing Leeds quarterback was brilliant. F.A. Bowl for the gunners, eh?

X is for : Xmas

2011-12-24T10:37:00.003Z

Fun and freaky fact : In the Xmas carol, The Twelve Days Of Christmas, the total number of presents given by the person's true love was 364. Some of them would be worth keeping, partridges for example. Hens, geese also. The milk maids might get a bit bored when not milking cows so, nudge, nudge. Say no more. Know what I mean? Pipers and drummers would piss me off and the novelty of lords a leaping would wear off after a while! Ladies lap dancing would be okay, obviously. So there might be a few things I'd take back and ask for a refund on. Probably be a smaller queue than that one with the 30,000 French women and their big plastic tits. Do they even recycle breast implants? Maybe they'll create a brand new landfill south of Paris. It'd be the worlds biggest trampoline! I can see it now, Euro Tits-ney!
Oh, and merry F**king Christmas, arse-wipes!

W is for : Weather

2011-12-23T19:43:00.001Z

Fun and freaky fact : Lots of strange things fall from the sky when it rains, more commonly, different types of fish but in 1990 a Japanese fishing boat was sunk by a falling cow. The crew were arrested for insurance fraud (love to have seen that form) claiming that several cows fell from the sky one of which sunk the boat but this was later confirmed by the crew of a Russian plane who jettisoned the herd as they thought they were going to crash!! Right, I need to contact these Russians as soon as possible. I've got a list of people and Jedward are right at the top followed by everyone connected with X factor. (I know Jedward are connected with X factor but I really want to make sure I don't miss them off the list!)

V is for : Ventriloquist

2011-12-22T10:36:00.004Z

Fun and freaky fact : The hardest word for a ventriloquist to say is bread. Anything starting with pr is also difficult to get your gums round (oh, er missus!) Legendary ventriloquist Albert "farney" Farnsworth famously died on stage in a well publicised incident in the 1920's. Farney attempted the never before seen trick of drinking a glass of dandelion & burdock while listing the players who had scored for Preston north end in a practice game against the Premium Bonds XI at the Presbyterian church ground in Prestatyn. Players such as Pruitt, Pringle, Prestwood, Price, Przyswitt, Proudlock, Prior, Pratt, Priesner, Presley, Prewitt and the captain, Thaddeus B. Beaglehole III. The tradgedy was that if only his dummy, Fisting the Missus, was proficient in first aid his life could have been saved. Let's raise a glass to old Farney.

U is for : Undead

2011-12-21T17:56:00.000Z

Fun and freaky fact : Vampires can't enter a home if you leave a dead cat outside the door. You see, a vampire would be compelled to count every hair but the sun would always rise before it finished, forcing it to flee. Don't make the same mistake I made and leave a dead Sphynx cat outside the door... that hairless breed! Such a pain in the neck!

T is for : Tyrant

2011-12-20T16:08:00.003Z

Fun and freaky fact : Jeez! Where do you start. Here's 5 of 'em. Kim Jong Il spread the myth that he could control the weather depending on his moods : Kim Jong Il told his people that he was a worldwide fashion icon. He claimed that his French designed suits were an unprecedented global fashion phenomenon : Kim Jong Il ordered that a city be built on the border just for South Korea to look at and to make them think life was better in North Korea. No one lives there and the lights are on timers! : Having banned all western influences, Kim Jong Il has "created" new non-western food such as a sandwich called, "double bread with meat" and subsequently built a hamburger factory to make them! : Kim Jong Il has never taken a shit : Okay, that's five but there's more. Prior to the 1983 World Festival Of Youth & Students all disabled and short people were removed from the capital, Pyongyang! AND... Kim Jong Il, on his first ever game of golf, hit a score of 38 under par including 11 hole in ones. This round of golf was confirmed by his seventeen bodyguards!!

S is for : Santa Claus

2011-12-19T14:06:00.001Z

Fun and freaky fact : There is no Santa, it's your dad that dresses up. Although to be honest, he doesn't even bother to dress up. He waits till there's an advert during the darts on Sky Sports and sticks your presents under the tree and then shags your mum. "I Saw Mummy Kissing Santa Claus!" You're lucky, kid. If you'd carried on watching it would have scarred you for life. Oh, and that mince pie? Yeah, you guessed it. Fat so and so eats that as well. My favourite Santa outfit? Vera Ellen in White Christmas! Didn't expect that did you?

R is for : Racehorse

2011-12-18T21:37:00.002Z

Fun and freaky fact : Every single race horse can trace it's lineage back to just three stallions - Byerly Turk, Darley Arabian and Godolphin Arabian. Seventeen kids in Dundee and trace their lineage back to just one feckless, benefit scrounging parasite called Jamie Cummings.The kids share fourteen mothers all claiming every benefit under the sun (by, sun, I mean, government) If Jamie was a race horse he'd be called Feckless Twat. He'd be running in selling platers at Catterick hopefully being gelded after a string of disappointing finishes. Possibly even breaking his leg in his last race and being shot!!

Q is for : Quarterback

2011-12-17T09:43:00.000Z

Fun and freaky fact : Tennessee Titans' quarterback Matt Hasselbeck has been struck by lightning on two separate occasions, obviously not during a game. American football games are played in ALL weathers, never being called off... except for lightning storms. Shame, as it would have been great to see a quarterback's skeleton like an x-ray, just as you see in a Tex Avery cartoon!!

P is for : Pilot

2011-12-16T09:17:00.000Z

Fun and freaky fact : Iron Maiden like any other rock band travel to gigs by plane but Maiden also take around 12 tons of touring equipment with them in their own plane, Ed Force One. When he isn't singing with the band, it's Bruce Dickinson who flies the Boeing 757. Bruce is also a commercial airline pilot. My favourite plane related rock story is courtesy of Motorhead's Lemmy. Back on the Bomber tour their lighting rig was in the shape of a WWII bomber. They were playing a gig in Dresden and Lemmy pointed up to the bomber/lighting rig and turning to the crowd said, " Bet you haven't seen one of these for a while!"

O is for : Operation

2011-12-15T09:17:00.000Z

Fun and freaky fact : An average of two operations a week result in surgical instruments being left inside the patient after being sewn up! Things like forceps and scissors... not usually a major internal organ. The only way I can see to stop this is to attach a little chain to each instument like those that banks attach to their pens! If things are going to be left inside, they should make them useful : sellotape dispenser or for me, a pencil sharpner!

N is for : Nut cases

2011-12-14T13:40:00.000Z

Fun and freaky fact : One of the most notorious insane asylums was London's Bethlam Royal Hospital. In the 18th century the public could pay a penny for the "privilege" of watching the "freaks", even being allowed to poke the patients with a stick. These days we get to watch X Factor and vote for the inbred, backward, fame seeking parasites, but remember to ask the bill payers permission. Network charges may vary. But seriously, why waste a single penny on these people. If one of them was on fire and I was dying for a piss I'd rather wet myself.

M is for : Mermaid

2011-12-13T17:06:00.000Z

Fun and freaky fact : There is a rare medical condition called Sirenomelia (also known as mermaid syndrome) where a child is born with his or her legs fused together. Side effects are usually the sudden unexplained appearance of a lobster doing Harry Belafonte impressions.

L is for : Les Paul guitars

2011-12-12T19:37:00.000Z

...and Les paul himself. Fun and freaky fact : Guitarist Les Paul, having been involved in a car accident in 1948, asked doctors to set his arm permanently in a guitar playing position. Danny Dyer has asked doctors to set his arm in a begging for more TV work position... he hadn't been involved in any accident as far as I know!!

K is for : Knights

2011-12-11T19:48:00.001Z

Fun and freaky fact : As much as the crew might like to have done, the Monty Python team didn't cut off John Cleese's legs when filming the Black Knight scene in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Instead they used a local one legged actor to stand in for the scene where his leg is cut off. Terry Gilliam also revealed that this actor had a second time saving benefit... when they dug a hole for the actor to stand in to show the Black Knight with no legs, they only had to dig a hole half as wide - just big enough for one leg!

J is for : Jester

2011-12-10T16:33:00.001Z

Fun and freaky fact : There isn't one. I searched the internet for ages but found not a single fact remotely interesting. No jester was ever born with an arse for a head, no jester was born a woman and passed herself off as a man for twenty years. Nothing! Ziltch! Yet if I'd put a search into Google for, blonde nineteen russian girl whipped cream donkey dwarf illegal milf insert jellied eels, I would have had page after page of results. (and a tired arm) So, what's tomorrow, K? Fat chance!

I is for : Indian

2011-12-09T17:57:00.001Z

Fun and freaky fact : Crisps were "invented" by an American Indian called George Crum. (not your typical Indian name - Biscuit Crum would have been better) In 1883 a diner at the Moonlake restaurant, where crum worked, sent back his order of fried potatoes saying they were undercooked and too thick. Crum made them thinner and overcooked them - CRISPS!

H is for : Hospital

2011-12-08T17:00:00.001Z

Fun and freaky fact : Doctors delivered Sanju Bhagat's twin - nothing unusual there except that Sanju is a man and his twin growing inside of him. The twin didn't survive and Sanju was 36 at the time! He would have gone to the hospital earlier but he was making a lot of savings on various group bookings!

G is for : Goats

2011-12-07T21:05:00.001Z

Fun and freaky fact : Scientists have crossed a goat with a spider. In addition to giving milk the goat produces silk! I never found out if the spider produces milk but it's nipples would be 'ittle tiny nipples. Do these people get to work and ask, "Hey Boss. Are we gonna cure cancer today or what?". "Nah, Fuck it! Lets graft a monkey's head onto my arse!"

F is for : Fairy tales

2011-12-06T19:50:00.001Z

Fun and freaky fact : Han Christian Anderson, who wrote The Princess And The Pea, died in 1875, never fully recovering from an injury sustained three years ealier... when he fell out of his bed.

E is for : Elephant

2011-12-05T18:12:00.001Z

Fun and freaky fact : During World War II the very first bomb dropped on Berlin by the allies killed the only elephant at Berlin zoo. Also... elephants are capable of learning up to 60 commands. "Get out the way, Dumbo" obviously isn't one of them!

D is for : Duck

2011-12-04T13:36:00.001Z

(in case you don't get the little joke, a quack is another name for a doctor - "MD" on the bag.) I do get some foreign visitors to the blog, you know. It can help sometimes... and my daughter checks it out as well and she needs all the help I can give!! She's been a fan of Mary Poppins for a dozen or so years, watched it countless times but wasn't until Friday gone that she finally got the joke, "... man with a wooden leg called Smith - what was the other leg called?" All these years my daughter laughed because other people laughed!!
Fun and freaky fact : A duck's quack doesn't echo! Imagine being in a cave. "HELLO : hello : hello quack.

C is for : Cowboy

2011-12-03T23:55:00.001Z

Fun and freaky facts : Cowboys hardly had any contact with what you might call decent women. Many cowboys organized "stag dances" where some of them would dress up as women and dance with other cowboys. I'm not saying anything... not a word... nope. Nothing at all. But we've all know what ugly women look like after we've had a few drinks.

B is for : Bomb

2011-12-02T15:57:00.001Z

Fun and freaky fact : If you consistently fart for six years and nine months enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atom BOMB. So close! two more days to go but I ran out of brussels.

A is for : Art gallery

2011-12-01T18:47:00.001Z

Not sure why I'm going to attempt this but as it's sort of advent calender time of the year I'm gonna attempt one cartoon/sketch each day for each letter of the alphabet. I know there are 26 letters in the alphabet but I'm gonna throw in Boxing Day as a bonus... or drop X, 'cos that'll just be X-files anyway! And I'll throw in a fun and freaky fact (possibly half inched from Alice Coopers radio show) The largest art gallery in the world is in St Petersburg. You would have to walk 15 miles to see all 322 rooms containing in total around 3 million works of art! And after al that you still wouldn't have found the painting of dogs playing poker, perhaps the greatest work of art of all time. Look at the 'ittle dogies. Aren't they cute?

Who put the "ann" in tyranny?

2011-11-30T16:57:00.001Z

Today I present a little drawing of a row of canal-side houses in Amsterdam (note the gentle reflction in the condom infested canal) Today I salute the worlds greatest exponent of Hide & Seek. Anne Frank hid from the nazis from July 1942 till August 1944, just over two years. In fairness to the nazis they did count up to 45,456,825 before looking for her, easily finding her behind a lamp standard. During her two years hiding Anne Frank kept a diary. A typical weeks entry read : Monday - hid. Tuesday - hid. Wednesday -hid. Thursday - played the drums... only kidding - hid. A much more lighthearted read is the diary of Mohammed Bin Collection, a detained suspected terrorist. Monday - "had electrodes attached to my testicles. 5,000 volts, lover-ly! Bring it on Yankee Boy". Tuesday - "watched Loose Women : Please. No more, I'll talk!!!"

Walk this way

2011-11-29T19:03:00.001Z

I can't really add too much to what the map says but Jack the Ripper walks aren't the only way to use up a bit of shoe leather. Other walks around London will take in various quirky attractions such as the worlds smallest police station - to be found at the south east corner of Trafalgar Square. Just big enough to hold two policeman it was used mainly to keep an eye on protesters but is no longer used by the police. Instead it's a broom cupboard for Westminster council cleaners. I could make a sarcastic comment but I'll leave that up to you. Answers on a postcard or on the back of a sealed down envelope. (I miss Swap Shop!) Maybe you'd like to see the only street in Britain where cars drive on the right! Savoy Court to be exact... no I'm not making this up! How about taking a look at the lions in Trafalgar square. (near the broom cupboard) They're incorrect. Seriously! Crouched as they are there backs should be convex but they are concave. Big Ben is leaning over, it's not straight! Finally you could look for a street with the unfortunate title of Gropecunt Lane!! You'd be disappointed as that name hasn't been used since 1561!! Still you can make do with Back Passage or Cumming Street!

What's in a (place) name?

2011-11-27T19:39:00.001Z

I've often been asked, "Going anywhere for your holidays, sir. Shall I keep the gimp costume for next time?" In response to the first question I usually reply, STOPATOME. "Where's that?" they'll ask. REMAINIA I reply. Some people still don't get it! So for them (and possibly you) I've drawn a map of the area where the main hotel is situated. (!) Maybe I will try somewhere different next time, perhaps travelling around a bit. First stop might be Shitterton in Dorset. Then I'd catch a shrimp boat to Spain and travel to Poo in northern Spain and onto Moron de la Frontera before passing into Austria and Windpassing. I'd hitch a ride with the Austrian bob sleigh team down to Albania and visit Puke. A donkey ride would take me through the Czech Republic via Bendover and on into Germany where I would enjoy the pleasures that Petting has to offer before taking a look at Dong. Then it's home via a medieval travelling show but not before I've gone to Denmark and taken in Middlefart. Now that lot would make for a hell of a map!

Commercial Break : number one

2011-11-23T21:32:00.001Z

Unfortunately I've had to take on some advertising to pay for my blog so apologies first...! A while ago now at some place where I used to work, I had the idea of Celebrity Death Sweep stake : pick a famous person who looks like there about to buy the farm and you have until the end of the year to collect. (I always went for Gregory Peck - June 2003 - Result!) I'd listen to the news and a report might start, "Hollywood is in mourning today at the sad loss of..." then that sense of anticipation, the sweaty palms (Oi! stop thinking that!) the Adrenalin, and then... the crushing discovery that it was someone else like Tom Bosley! (the dad in Happy Days) Now when I say sweep stake, there was only one other person who had the same warped mind as me so there was never much money involved... now when I say, not much, I actually mean none. (being a phone jockey paid sod all) But if I was to wager a small amount (equivalent say to my monthly charity donation (sic!) then I'd wager £50 on Peter O'Toole and £25 E/W on Christopher Lee. 38 days left. C'mon my son!
On a sort of, On This Day thing - in 2001 Mary Whitehouse died. Couldn't get away with saying fuck off when she was alive, could you?

I'll Punch your lights out.

2011-11-17T19:55:00.001Z

The traditional seaside show for kids of all ages... by that they mean, "There's nothing else to do around here so you might as well watch this." As far as a career in entertainment goes this is probably quite a bit down the scale. Like there's : "And the Oscar for best actor goes to..." And then you have, "That's the way to do it!" In football terms you have : "And Carles Puyol lifts the World Cup for Spain." And then you have, "Well we picked the fat kid so you're left with the spotty, four-eyed gimp what pissed himself in chemistry!" The kids at a Punch & Judy show often shout, "Behind you!" They mean your career, mate!

Bieber's baby blues

2011-11-04T12:40:00.000Z

So it looks like Justin Bieber might turn out to be a daddy, if the tabloids are to believed. I have every faith in these esteemed organs... as did Mariah Yeater (that should be busty Mariah Yeater according to the Sun) who took a keen interest in young Master Bieber's organ. Always the romantic, Justin suggested they use the toilet. Who needs champagne, flowers or chocolates when the aroma of Toilet Duck seals the deal. 30 minutes later and... What was that? Say that again. It was 30 seconds? Let me just read the article again... "17 year old Justin... Selena Gomez... donkey... handcuffs..." Yes!! 30 seconds! What a stud muffin. Most people put the kettle on and make the tea during the adverts on the telly but his missus can look forward to tea AND a tug on his Jammy Dodgers.

No thanks, I'm stuffed.

2011-10-29T18:40:00.000+01:00

And now the other 3 cartoons I drew for Teddy Station which appear to be exactly what was required. A bear joke? How about :
A woman in Alaska wakes up one morning and sees that she has bear on her roof. She finds a "Bear removal service" in the yellow pages and calls the number. A man turns up with a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a vicious looking rottweiler.
"So how do you get the bear off my roof?" she asks.
"I use the ladder to get up on the roof and knock the bear off with the baseball bat.When the bear hits the ground the rottweiler is trained to grab hold of his testicles and not let go. The bear is then subdued enough for me to get him into the back of the van."
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the woman.
"Well. If for some reason I should fall off the roof first, shoot the f**king dog!"

Workin' for the bears

2011-10-28T23:07:00.000+01:00

First three of what will be six illustrations commissioned by a shop called Teddy Station in my home town, sort of shop where younger kids can pick up an empty lifeless character and stuff it till it comes to life... like Thursdays in the local old folks home when Mayhem is full. I had to call on my inner child to help with the concept but he just told me to go screw myself and get off his case, "old git!" I went for a walk in the local woods the other week and thought I'd come across a teddy bears picnic. Turns out it was an impromptu dogging session I'd stumbled upon.(If you must ask, it's watching people engaging in a bit of how's your father in a car. Nothing against this sort of thing but, c'mon mate... once the lights turn green you're holding everyone else up!)

Sketchbook of depression

2011-10-24T14:20:00.000+01:00

A wizened old lady walked down a dark street,

With a tatty old jumper and no shoes on her feet.

From round a dark corner a sound did she hear,

So horrid and frightful it filled her with fear.

And out stepped a man with a face that was foul.

"I know you." she said, "You're that Simon Cowell!"

"I'm looking for talent for a new TV show.

You choose red or black, that's how it will go."

"But haven't you done that already, my dear?

You're repeating yourself and that much is clear."

"But this one is different for it'll cost you your life.

Just one wrong answer and I'll make you my wife.

A bride of the undead is what you'll become,

You... and a dancer, my Aunt and a nun!"

"If a vampire you are, with my mirror I'll check...

Ooops! Too late now 'cos you're bitten my neck."

And with that the old lady breathed her last breath

And joined Simon Cowell in a land full of death.

"One thing I must ask as I enjoy this mince pie,

Tell me, dear Simon why're your trousers so high?"

Falling to pieces

2011-10-21T12:10:00.000+01:00

It's in old Transalvania that my story takes place.

About a young girl with a horrible face.

With ears that are torn and a nose that is crooked,

Her teeth, they're not real, they're kept in a bucket.

For Sally was made by a mad old professor,

From bits of old bodies he kept in a dresser.

A salesman once called but then never again.

His fingers, now yours, still clutching his pen.

Your legs once belonged to an old German Shepherd,

Not the dog, but the man. Didn't put up much effort.

And so there you sit in a squalled old room,

With thoughts in your head thinking, "What is that tune?"

For was a DJ called Stu who gave you his brain.

The rest of his body got washed down the drain.

You sit there and pick at the stitches that hold you,

Nothing better to do since you're under a curfew.

First a leg then an arm get thrown in the fire,

Then your lower intestines you no longer desire.

And after a while when there isn't much left,

Just a head and a torso still in your old vest.

And so comes the end of a young girl called Sally,

Whose last few remains were found in an alley.

The Pumpkin man

2011-10-18T18:44:00.000+01:00

Let me tell you a tale as we near Halloween,

That'll curdle your blood and turn milk into cream.

For on a night like this and I'm not taking the piss,

A life is extinguished and goes something like this.

Young David it is that my story's about,

Who'd bought a new car, one with plenty of clout.

So parked in the woods with his girlfriend he sat.

With a grin on his face and her face in his lap.

Now stories abound of a pumpkin-like man,

With hate in eyes and who drove a white van.

He'd drive through the woods with but one obsession.

To kill any young men that have got an erection.

And so we have Dave with his girlfriend, Rebecca,

Kissing and smooching and stroking his pecker.

"Are they real?" asks Dave as he loosens her sweater.

"No. I just had them done. D'ya think they feel better?"

Then out of the blue came a bang on the car,

Just as young Dave was undoing her bra.

He saw through the window the flash of a blade.

Dave realised now that he wouldn't get laid.

But wasn't the Pumpkin Man who took Dave's life.

Was a nutter of a man, for the girl was his wife.

Forgot something?

2011-10-11T23:48:00.000+01:00

Nearly the end of the flat season and I don't recall posting anything to do with horse racing. My favourite flat horse when I was a little kid was Brigadier Gerard, a brilliant horse who won 15 straight races until beaten by Roberto... a horse named after an Arthur Conan Doyle character beaten by a horse sharing his name with a Brazilian footballer. Nothing dirty about those names... unlike, Barely Legal, Rhythm Method, Golden Shower, Blow Me or (my favourite) Hardawn! I admit I've only got the internet to go by but I HAVE seen video of Hoof Hearted winning. That was priceless!!

Not now, Donkey!

2011-09-27T16:54:00.000+01:00

With Wayne Rooney out of the Manchester United game against the formidable FC Basle (well, formidable in Basle anyway) Who will Alex Ferguson call on? Just for novelty value he should get Rooney's brother off the bench... when I say, bench, I mean Swamp. And when I say, brother, I mean... brother!! And Hernandez is also out of the game with a dead leg. (not completely dead mind you, just an appendage) These footballers, eh? They throw themselves to the ground at the slightest touch and now pull out out of a big game just 'cos they're slowly decomposing. I say get Donkey up front with Shrek and see how the partnership works out. I like Donkey. Sometimes I imagine he's walking beside me when I go to the shops. Just thought I'd throw that in! Oh, and Sid from the Ice Age movies... I imagine a lot of things!

Don't mention the war

2011-09-20T20:21:00.000+01:00

On this day in 1975... people were talking about Fawlty Towers which was first shown on TV the night before. Yes I should have posted this yesterday but getting home at 6.30 in the morning meant I wasn't in any state to post anything. Anyway, my 5 favourite episodes? 5: The Germans. 4: The Kipper and the Corpse. 3: The Psychiatrist. 2: Basil the Rat. And best episode EVER... Communication Problems. "I can't see the sea." "You can see the sea. It's over there between the land and the sky." "Well, it's not good enough!"

Me and 3D : part one

2011-09-11T23:24:00.000+01:00

Several months ago armed with a copy of Blender, a piece of 3D software, and way too much time on my hands, I worked on a few animated cartoon ideas. But along with having more interest in my drawn cartoons and the thought of posting them on YouTube only for eight people to even bother looking at weeks of effort, I decided to shelve the ideas. One cartoonwould have been about the character below leaving a fancy dress party and walking home.

As he walks along a row of shops he notices one of those newspaper headline boards with a headline that isn't something he'd want to read in his situation.

Maybe in the new year I'll get round to finishing it along with a couple of other cartoons which I'll post some quick renders of soon. Oh, and that's not an oven chip in the bottom two renders. It was a shape used for human scale!!

Too MUCH rubbish?

2011-09-03T18:35:00.000+01:00

Boffins have warned that it's a bit crowded up there in space. So much so that action needs to be taken otherwise some of the rubbish might fall back down to earth. You see, it appears that we have a bit too much junk floating around and no one wants to see a little kid leaving Mcdonalds clutching his chicken Mc-Nuggets only to get splattered by a toilet. (Well, if I was honest, there is a part of me who would laugh at that.) Their solution is to use giant magnets to draw all the crap away from earth. I'm pretty sure I've seen this on Thunderbirds and it didn't end well! Alternative? Oi, Bruce Willis! Get suited up, it's time again... What d'ya mean he died in the film! Did Steve Buscemi live? He'll have to do.

Through the round window

2011-08-31T16:59:00.000+01:00

It's the last day of football's transfer window and it's when millions of pounds are spent but looking back through old transfer fees, for £8,693,333.33 you could have bought : Ray Clemence, Terry Butcher, Bobby Moore, Emyln Hughes, Stuart Pearce (back 4 and goalie) Alan Ball, Ray Wilkins, Brian Robson (midfield) and forwards : Kevin Keegan, Ian Rush and Malcolm Macdonald. I only include him because he was responsible for the 33p above!!! All the above together would get you about a sixth of Fernando Torres. Well, His feet are useless so that leaves a torso, a head, 2 arms and he's bollocks. (Yeah, spelt "he's" correctly!) Hey, Fernando! What do you call those things at either end of the pitch? No, not photographers... no, not corner flags...

Sketchbook of panic

2011-08-27T09:25:00.000+01:00

I've heard that the next time England play New Zealand we're going to respond to their Haka with some effeminate morris dancing, bells and all. The idea being that they'll be pissing themselves laughing so much that we'll storm into a seven point lead and thereafter adopt similar tactics to Bugs Bunny and co in Space Jam... put explosives in the ball when they're about to kick for a penalty, keep moving the goal posts if thy attempt a drop goal or put our players in spring heeled boots to gain an advantage at line-outs. The only way we'll win the World Cup this time, IN New Zealand, is to use that film as a template or, like all the other teams, hope that someone else knocks them out before the final.

Conan the whatever!

2011-08-22T23:01:00.000+01:00

In a parallel universe Arnold... President Arnold Schwarzenegger drew the curtains on a glittering acting career with a 3rd best actor oscar for his incredible performance as Ghandi in, "Ghandi 2: Lust For Glory". Arnie had previously won the award for his portrayal of Colonel Gaddafi in Martin Scorsese's "Carry On Up The Dictator" and a year earlier for the lead role of O.J. Simpson in, "If The Glove Fits". After marrying his childhood sweetheart Sarah Conner, Arnie set about the campaign which saw the Austrian Oak take his place in the historic oval office of the Whitehouse. Arnold would go onto win re-election twice before returning to movies as a middle aged Harry Potter in,"Harry Potter and fuck me is there no end to these bloody films". A 4th oscar was to follow, this time as director in the James Bond film, "Oh, no! Goldenballs from Russia with diamonds and eyes to kill another day who loved me not enough with a view to kill with the golden gun tomorrow on her majesty's secret octopussy of solace."

Are you taking the piss?

2011-08-21T11:44:00.000+01:00

Funny to see screen legend (in France, anyway) Gerard Depardieu getting chucked off the plane prior to his flight to Dublin. Having seen some of his films they might have waited till they were at 10,000 feet. Air France are insisting he stood up and took a piss in the aisle but his friends say was relieving himself in an empty wine bottle... which might explain the rather bitter Chardonnay I had with lunch yesterday!

Tuesday, newsday

2011-08-16T19:39:00.000+01:00

As if there isn't enough suffering in the world, Jordan has announced that she is going to be recording a new album. (all around the country deaf people are cutting off their ears) As if to provide some sort of justification she said the album will be for charity... Royal society for the deaf? Perhaps she means that as with bands such as Kiss, AC/DC and the Eagles who sold their last albums exclusively in Wall-mart stores, Jordan's album will be on sale exclusively IN charity shops! Once it's recorded could I suggest a copy be sent to our troops in Afghanistan. They could blast it out at the Taliban. It'll have the same effect as the bombing of Hiroshima.
Colonel Gaddafi has asked for people to martyr themselves (wait till Jordan's album comes out, mate!) He'll still be alive but his followers will be thinking they're taking the fight to the enemy and a glorious death awaits them. Gaddafi has now fired the first scud missile of the conflict. Fortunately it missed it's target... Brega. Not a library or a rebel stronghold or even a sports stadium, but a whole town!! Blimey, even Fernando Torres could hit a town!
His team-mate John Obi Mikel's father has been kidnapped back home in Nigeria. Although no ransom demand has yet to be received it's rumoured to be a million pounds and Fernando Torres in an exchange deal... better to be safe than sorry. Offer them five million. It's the only way you'll get rid of him.
Manchester United's new goalie, David De Gea has had a bad start to the season and is taking quite a bit of flack. To be fair, most goalies have a weakness... his just happens to be goalkeeping!

Sketchbook of fright

2011-08-15T19:25:00.000+01:00

Film and TV characters never seem to get hungry or even go to the toilet. 24's Jack Bauer can go a whole day and never feel the need to see a man about a dog... unless the dog owner happens to have hidden 10lb's of high explosive up the dog's arse. Any normal person would quite easily find themselves in a situation of having to say, "I'm sorry, Madame President. I know you're about to be shot but I've got a tortoise in the tunnel and these jeans have to last 24 episodes!" Never in, what was it? seven seasons? did Bauer walk into shot saying, "Blimey, I needed that." And as for characters like Batman. How the hell DOES he take a leak? That suit's got no buttons. If he was to stop for a bite to eat and let's say he has a fancy for a Chicken Madrass, he's got to be able to get cheek to seat pretty sharpish. I've sat at work and buried quite a few in my chair so Batman's suit after even a mild Korma would stink to high heaven!!

We don't need another hero

2011-08-12T18:04:00.000+01:00

Phoenix Jones is a real-life superhero who lives in Seattle. And he's not the only one. Thorn, Gemini, Thunder 88 are among a group calling themselves the Raincity Superhero Movement. There's also another member of the team called, No Name. You have to think that his heart just isn't into it! Phoenix's suit, so we're told, incorporates a bullet-proof vest and trauma plating that protects his "sensitive" areas... such as any sense of embarrassment! Phoenix says that, "When I walk into a neighbourhood, criminals leave the area because they see the suit." They've just gone round the corner because they're pissing themselves laughing, mate!

Hare raising tails : number six

2011-07-31T22:31:00.000+01:00

The cold war was infamous for the number of spies working for various agencies : MI5, KGB, B&Q to name but three. But the most ruthless organisation was the renowned, Moscow State Circus. The animals were all fakes and inside the elephant, for example, were at least three people. One of them would use the trunk as a camera and take pictures of any prominent person in the audience. The high wire walker was a trained assassin who could walk along a rope between the rooftops of any two important buildings gaining entrance through a window. The only reason they never actually managed to complete a mission was on account of the exploding cars that the clowns used... that really was the quality of East European cars back then and totally useless in a get-away situation!!

Hare raising tails : number five

2011-07-31T22:19:00.000+01:00

The youngest ever head of a crime family was Luigi "nap time" Linguine who became head of the Ravioli family in 1995 at the age of two. Luigi used fear and the terrible twos to erase any competition. He once threw a right paddy during a meeting with the Fusilli family until they agreed to give him a 70% share of their drugs profits. He threw his toy fire engine at Alberto "one bollock" Rigatoni hitting him right between the eyes. Luigi once refused to eat his vegetables in a restaurant at a meeting with the head of the Conchiglie family unless they handed over their share of profits from their prostitution racket. His reign of terror (able twos) ended when he reached three and simply calmed down and fell in love with Bob the Builder on TV.

Hare raising tails : number four

2011-07-31T22:06:00.000+01:00

Paris' most exclusive restaurant opened this day in 1889. Le Maison de Merde was an instant hit with Parisian high society. The establishment was so exclusive there was only one table and two chairs. The waiting list was so long that a number of Parisians died before the date of their reservation, often made decades earlier. However the reputation of the head chef was such that the great and the powerful were very much prepared to wait. So long sometimes that their reservation would be left in their will and given to a family member upon their demise. The restaurant finally closed down after some dumb waiter got trapped in the dumb waiter and the fire brigade had to demolish the restaurant to rescue him. It was unfortunately felt not to be cost effective to rebuild Le Maison de Merde.

Hare raising tails : number three

2011-07-27T19:47:00.000+01:00

Cedric Ballantine is regarded as one of the greatest actors of his generation. He will forever be remembered for his haunting portrayal of 4th crow from the left in Hitchcock's The Birds. A performance made all the more remarkable on account of Cedric's chronic vertigo which he had long suffered from along with an acute inability to actually fly! Cedric was also fondly remembered for his achingly realistic portrayal of the hunch to Lon Chaney's Hunchback in the silent classic. Cedric's tragic fall from grace has been well documented but little is known about the donkey involved. The traumatised beast was believed to have been relocated to Blackpool pleasure beach providing rides for young destitute orphans. What was not known at the time was that this particular donkey was in fact played by Cedric Ballantine himself, giving arguably his greatest and yet, until now, forgotten performance. Cedric Ballantine, who left the stage earlier this week.

Hare raising tails : number two

2011-07-16T16:16:00.000+01:00

The Tour de France has seen stages take in almost all of France's famous landmarks but during 1914-1918 the tour included a number of trench stages. On one such stage during the Battle of the Somme the entire peloton was decimated and it was left to Foinavon, a passing racehorse, to weave his way through the carnage and go on to win the stage. Photos from the early tours often show riders carrying spare tyres but during the first few Tours competitors had to actually carry spare bikes with them. Bernard Bidet, a domestique for the Deutsche Gramafone team often carried up to five bikes for other riders in the team. Bernard's brother Henri was in fact the first person to wear the now famous yellow jersey in 1911. Prior to that the race leader always wore the traditional Breton shirt and beret... until in 1910 race leader Jean-Claude Ordures was mistaken for an escaped mime artist and shot.

Get your own theme, Xiehe!

2011-07-14T23:41:00.000+01:00

First off. This isn't actually a cartoon of mine. My daughter knows that July on my blog is rabbit month and so she decides to get in on the act by e-mailing me a drawing she'd just finished. You think you're soooooo clever don't you, with your blendable pencils and newly re-discovered love of drawing... (goodbye one year of a fine art course, hello transfer to an illustration degree) All credit to her. She's knocked out a wealth of illustrations in her sketchbook and is making me up my game just a tad. What I will say is that what she has in talent she balances with a complete absence of common sense... no, America isn't in Europe and so can't vote for us in Eurovision... they don't speak latin in Rome... no, Rome isn't a seperate counrty, that was 2,000 years ago... Britain is in europe... no, Germany wasn't the other "team" in world war 2... I could go on and will probably reveal more Xiehe-isms another day!

Hare raising tails : number one

2011-07-04T22:42:00.000+01:00

The War of Independence started out at the Nell Gywn tea room in Boston when a prominent American baseball player was hit in the eye with a scone and refused to pay. Britain sent lots of soldiers in bright red uniforms armed with tins of biscuits (or cookies) to dunk in the enemy's tea. Realising they'd only brought Rich Tea, which any connoisseur of the biscuit will tell you can't be dunked for any longer than 3 seconds, the British army was beaten. America declared independence on the 3rd of July but this was put back a day on account of the season finale of Lost. The Americans then began to insist that coffee was better and so the actual war carried on until 1783 when the British army ran out of biscuits. Uncle Sam then became the first King of the United American Emirates and America made a vow never to be on time for any war involving the British ever again. Walt Disney built Mickey Land to commemorate the victory and Colonel Sanders invented the chicken.

Can you sign this for me?

2011-06-30T19:02:00.000+01:00

Talking of autographs. I've got a signed copy of a Lester Piggott autobiography but to be honest how would I know if it's a genuine signature? It looks neither like, Lester OR Piggott. At best it looks like, Festy Gyjou. I also have a signed group photo of The Scorpions signed by : Dsons (base), Hmyln Jue (drums), Haus Al (vocals), Wpwsn (guitar) and Rdolf Sls (guitar). I'm not really one for autographs but I do have Andrew Bailey. He signed a £5 note of mine. Which was nice of him and at least I can read it.

And from an artistic perspective, the last 3 cartoons prove why I don't really do cartoons in watercolour, preferring instead Photoshop or Painter!

It wasn't the chicken or the egg!

2011-06-29T21:03:00.000+01:00

Charles Darwin had a few theories of his own about how we got here. Previous belief was that God made love to monkeys and along came man. (not to watch! I meant, then we were born) The publication of Darwin's Origin of the Species put forward new compelling evidence for evolution, proving once and for all that rabbits didn't hatch from eggs. My favourite evolutionary line is from My Name is Earl. Randy has to go back to high school and is met after class one day by Earl who asks what he'd learnt. Randy replied that he'd learnt that man came from monkeys, but if that was true why are there still monkeys? I'll answer that by saying that some monkeys evolve slower than other monkeys. Some of these monkeys will evolve into captains of industry or world leaders. We're expecting great things from these monkeys... once they grow out of the habit of chucking their shit at each other!!

Giddy up, horsey!

2011-06-28T23:19:00.000+01:00

There's a lot more to have a bet on other than the gee-gees. A Canadian bloke won $100,000 for getting breast implants and keeping them for a year! The same bloke won $15,000 for living in his bathroom for a month. A month? What was he doing in there? Oh, yeah! He had titties - they'd amuse any bloke for a month. If you fancy a bet yourself then for Elvis to still be alive is 1000-1. For the Queen to live to be 100 is a generous 17-1 and for Bono to be the next Pope is 1000-1 (he thinks he already is!) Or maybe you like the 12-1 for England to win the 2014 World Cup. Are you taking the piss? I'd rather stake my left bollock on Elvis to marry the Queen and Bono to do the honours!!

Can you smell burning?

2011-06-26T12:14:00.000+01:00

Originally I posted this on another blog in regards a weekly chalenge which this week was Game of Thrones. If you saw the series on Sky you'll know what this is about. If you haven't, then I've just blown the ending so you might not want to bother! Anyway, Daenerys Targaryen chucks herself on the funeral pyre of her dead husband and you'd think will also die, but... Game of Thrones is set in one of those fantasy worlds of literature like Middle Earth, Narnai, Pern, Nehwon, Milton Keyenes... A lot of people need to escape to a fantasy world but I myself am happy in our reality. Must go now as it's getting late and I have to return a book to the Great Library of Sirenius. After dark my route which takes me through the Forest of Rarnock is bound to see me come face to face with the fierce 2 headed Bronarks. Still, the view of the giant grain ships of Naboombu docked in the harbour of Sirana is worth it!

Should we change ends?

2011-06-21T21:43:00.001+01:00

Played over 2 days near the village of Ashbourne (Shrove Tuesday & Ash Wednesday) there is a game of football that resembles a mass brawl. Up to 3,000 people enjoy a game that has been contested for over 1,000 years. The game starts at 2pm and ends at 10 pm. (I've watched England play so I'm familiar with what 8 hours feels like!) On Christmas day 1914 troops put down their guns and a football game broke out! I believe WE went for an attacking 42,000 - 26,000 - 49,000 but despite the Royal Air Corp strafing the German goal, the Bosch held on to win... on penalties! We tried a rematch in the 2nd World War but the Yanks kept getting in the way shouting, "Blue 42, red 7 right. Hut, hut, hut!!"

How the Devil are you?

2011-06-20T23:00:00.000+01:00

Like many other people I'm fascinated in a strange way with this, 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon thing. So, to go from the Prince of Darkness himself via : Aleister Crowley, well known disciple of Satan and all things demonic to : Led Zeppelin's Jimmy Page who bought Crowley's mansion, Boleskine House on the shores of Loch Ness to : Sandy Denny who sang on Zeppelin's Battle of Evermore and formerly with The Strawbs : as was Rick Wakeman (he of Yes) One of his many solo albums was, Journey to the Center of the Earth : Earth being the original name of Black Sabbath : whose singer was Ozzy Osbourne and on his debut solo album sang... Mr Crowley. What? it's supposed to end on Kevin Bacon? Er, his postman calls him Mr Bacon!!

Grand Prix d'umberella

2011-06-16T20:39:00.000+01:00

And so last Sunday's rain effected Canadian Grand Prix was the longest ever. I'm not a big F1 fan so any race seems like it goes on for ever. 70 times they went round that track, like my Uncle Raynard driving to the shops and refusing to ask for directions. To me it's like a manly version of the school run, same route over and over again and you can replace the pit stop with a quick dash into Morrisons to get some cakes for the Jeremy Kyle show. The fastest ever lap on this track was 1:13.622 by Rubens Barrichello. Matched, after a fashion, by Vicky Turnblue who once got Chelsea Turnblue to St Miyaichi's School for Bastard Children in 2:45.651.

You're Jester not funny anymore

2011-06-12T17:09:00.000+01:00

Jesters are alive and well. Among the notable members of the Guild of Jesters (yes there's a Guild!) is Peterkins the Fool, an "Olympian stilt-walker". (must have missed that event in Bejing!) Tarot was the inaugural Jester of the Year in 1996. (I know!) Dee the Famous Jester can "usually be found up in Cumbria." Thanks for the heads up - note to self, avoid Cumbria... for ever! Mostly I like Jonathan the Jester, appointed by the Mayor as the official Jester of Salisbury. He's duties include cheering up people, performing silly tricks or stilt-walking. Is that all it takes to cheer up Salisbury? Set yourself a challenge, man. Visit St. Bernards home for the criminally depressed or where I work! 20 minutes, tops! You'll want to kill yourself.

Zippy he did do-da!

2011-06-11T10:06:00.000+01:00

The world of puppets was in mourning on Wednesday as news came that Roy Skelton, the voice of Zippy, had died aged 79. Puppets the length and breadth of Britain held a minutes silence... Okay, the blokes that do the voices shut up for a minute. The puppet industry has, like any other area of entertainment, had to come to terms with the loss of the voices behind the felt and latex. Anthony Geiss provided the voice of Big Bird... killed when Big Worm took his revenge : Frank Oz the voice of Yoda... killed when using a bit too much force on the toilet after a particularly strong Chicken Madras : And of course, Jim Henson, who WAS Kermit... died of a very severe case of frog in the throat. All of which leaves just one question. ORVILLE. Will you just f**k off and die!!!

To hell and Barack again

2011-06-02T18:08:00.000+01:00

He came, he saw, he buggered off to France. While Barack Obama was on this side of the pond he served Guinness to all the other O'Bamas in his home town in Ireland. Then he got behind the Prime Ministerial B.B.Q with David Cameron to serve burgers to our troops with a cheery, "You go kill those Taliban bastards, soldier!"Then it was off to school for a foresome with 2 young boys...my mistake. That was the Pope's visit! During the subsequent heavy defeat, our two illustrious leaders high-fived after a winning (the only winning) shot. Obama can carry it off, Cameron... can't. Bit of an awkward moment really : a bit like your mum being a "friend" on Facebook or kissing your nan and leading with your tongue because you mistook her in the light for your girlfriend! What? We've all been there!

Saints and sinners

2011-05-27T21:26:00.000+01:00

Coincidence last weekend as the SAINTS lost... chucked away rugby's heineken cup and Manchester's red DEVILS won the premier league. Other interesting nicknames are Saint's football neighbours known as the cobblers. (no, it's true!) My team, Sunderland are the black cats ('cos it's unlucky to support the bloody team!) Everton are known as the toffees because 50 or so years ago a (mad?) woman used to throw toffees into the crowd... so maybe a woman used to throw black cats into the crowd at Roker Park! By the same token women have for decades lobbed bulls, badgers, hammers, owls, pensioners and... Stanley into the baying mobs. Best of all is Hartlepool, known as the monkey hangers. Legend has it that during the Napoleonic wars a French ship ran aground nearby and a monkey escaped. A reward was offered for the capture of any French spy. These fine (but thick as shit) people caught and hung the monkey thinking it was a Frenchman, no one in the town had ever seen a french person. (or a bath) The reward was £500 which is known today as... a monkey. Educational this interweb ain't it?

Pardon my injunction

2011-05-26T19:23:00.000+01:00

So that's one super injunction blown out of the water, the next one looks like it's going to be a well known actor caught schtumping the same hooker Wayne Rooney scored with. Then there was Gordon Ramsay's father in law who had a secret family (not quite in the same league as Josef Fritzl) this never even reached the, "guess who has a family hidden the kitchen" injunction stage. His wife never even knew about the other family in much the same way I suppose that Fritzl's wife didn't ever wonder why her husband spent so much time in the family basement... he didn't even HAVE a train set! These women must watch Superman and scratch their heads thinking, "You mean, he was Clark Kent all along?"

We're still here, people!

2011-05-25T21:28:00.000+01:00

After my collection of Bin Laden cartoons were posted I was paid a visit by the Peoples popular Front of Talibanistan yesterday. They said everything would be forgiven if I said 5 hail Marys and drank a BLOODY mary. (or was it the other way round?) Something seemed a bit out of place and I wasn't altogether sure they were Muslims: one of them appeared to have a false beard and another took an overly keen interest in the cover of my vinyl copy of, "Saint Tarquin's Catholic boys choir sing christmas carols." Anyway, it's a double celebration because we're all still here. The world DIDN'T end on Saturday. Barking mad Harold Camping must be a might embarassed to still be around, especially since he'd canceled his Sky subscription and it's a bugger to get it set back up again! Talk about your Monday morning blues. But don't book that late Autumn weekend away just yet 'cos it's all going tits up 21st October. Mad as a bag of cats! Don't let us mock you, though. Carry on Camping!!

This wont hurt a bit...yeah right!

2011-05-14T14:37:00.000+01:00

Okay, this will be my last Bin Laden cartoon. These people are a bit touchy anyway and I don't fancy my image being burnt on the streets or Tehran! The flat next door's been empty for a bit but someone might be moving in soon and the last thing I want is some suicide bomber knocking on my door asking to borrow some sugar! KABOOM! You're always going to be wondering what a new neighbour will be like, I mean I don't want some old disabled bloke. It'll be knock, knock, "I can't open this jar" - "I've tied me laces too tight and I can't get me shoes off" - "Me balls itch!" I can really do without that.

You've been framed

2011-05-14T12:25:00.000+01:00

The U.S recently released video of Bin Laden relaxing at home. (they avoided calling it, "At home with the Bin Ladens", a missed opportunity, I think.) The footage just seemed to show him sitting in front of a TV watching himself, vain little bastard... "I think when I called for the head of President Bush on a spike I should have lowered my head slightly." Apart from that he used to watch loads of 9/11 videos which could only mean his local Blockbuster either had a shit collection of films or mostly stocked rom-coms. It's also been revealed that Bin Laden was shot his underpants... contradicts early reports that he was shot in the head!! A U.S general had said the bullet went through his eye and out his ear... and so completely missed his brain!

Squatter's rights!

2011-05-06T21:06:00.000+01:00

I know, yet another Bin Laden cartoon but there are literally dozens of cartoons I could draw. All that time spent invading Afghanistan and he turns up working at McDonald's in Abbottabad. The U.S has got hold of Bin Laden's hard drive. It was full of games : minesweeper, Bomb Jack, Bomberman... and a nudie picture of Ann whitcomb. (no wonder he was driven to terrorism!) There are a lot of people saying the U.S shouldn't have shot him as he was unarmed. Maybe, but they could have given him one of those fake guns that shoots out that flag that says, "BANG!" Some sceptics have asked for photos to be released, one of which IS on the internet. It's not disturbing. It looks like Joan Rivers after one of her plastic surgery operations!

Sleeping with the fishes

2011-05-05T23:06:00.000+01:00

Quite appropriate really, as this phrase I first heard in The Godfather means to murder someone brutally - executed. The Americans didn't want to bury the bugger in case the site became a shrine but what we'll have now is a situation in twenty years time where James Cameron, having filmed the wreck of the Titanic will want to search for the bones of Bin Laden... sounds like a line from that nursery rhyme, Oranges and Lemons : " you dug up my garden, for the bones of Bin Laden." I'd like to think that along with some of the merchandise already available such as t-shirts (you say, Usama. I say, Osama. Let's kill the whole thing off) we can add a little memento of the sheet wrapped twat as a toy for a fish tank. The toy could be filled with fish food and children could have hours of fun watching him being eaten every day.

Taxi for Osama!

2011-05-02T21:12:00.000+01:00

So it turns out that the best way to find this arsehole was not to search every cave in Afghanistan but just ask someone in Pakistan. Apparently the real tip off was Osama working in his Uncle's brother's friend's corner shop. Someone went in to buy a loaf of bread and WASN'T over charged! That set all the alarm bells ringing. If only he did have one of those iPhones ,and YOU like him, could have been tracked to the nearest yard. If you're one of those people affected by Playstation giving out all your security details AND you use an iPhone that monitors where you go it looks like all you'll have left is the pastime of playing with yourselves... but is that web cam really OFF?

Got the b**tard!

2011-05-02T20:53:00.000+01:00

I turned on the radio this morning JUST as the news came on and heard that ol' Osama had fallen off his perch and was pushing up the daisies... he's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible... he's a stiff... bereft of life... he is an ex-terrorist! I did see on TV the words conspiracy theory being aired but come on, it's him. Unlike when the moon landings were faked, (there's no one on the moon who's gonna say, " Neil Armstrong? Name doesn't ring a bell.") the USA or anyone else couldn't get away with it. Imagine after this being all over the news and two weeks later Osama appears on Britain's got talent juggling chickens. How can anyone say, "convenient that they got rid of the body so quick" Yeah and your point IS? He's hardly likely to be found working in KFC with Elvis, is he! (juggling chickens!)

The mad Princesses

2011-05-02T20:36:00.000+01:00

Just worth mentioning that this is my 100th post and I'm taking the opportunity to draw something to commemorate the Royal wedding last Friday. I wasn't going to watch it but I took a peek and was hooked! Made me feel proud to be British. But as our Royal family is descended from Germans, I'm sure that Germans feel proud to be, er... German. What I noticed more than Will and Kate was these two: Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie looked like something out of a Tim Burton film, completely mental. Aside from those two the camera did pick up some of the other Royals and I have to say, to quote the radio add for Seesaw.com that cathedral was, "a cookie tin of lookers! Even Camilla, if you like that sort of thing." Actually no, but I must be getting old because now even the Prime Minister's old lady looks fit!! Now, whens the next Royal wedding?

It goes without saying

2011-04-29T15:37:00.000+01:00

Like most sayings, not to be taken literally... but, I'd happily kill any of those sodding pigeons that crap on my balcony! Going from one saying to another can sort of follow a tenuous train of thought : Never put off till tomorrow what you can do today. But if tomorrow never comes how will you ever enjoy the fruits of your labours? So just don't do anything, have a rest... but there's no rest for the wicked, they're never idle. Then again, the devil makes work for idle hands which in its self may be a small crumb of comfort for the 2 million or more unemployed, here's someone who can offer you a job, which would him the world's largest employer. (just ahead of Starbucks!)

Who put the "dic" in dictator?

2011-04-26T19:14:00.000+01:00

As much as America would like to get rid of Gadaffi it will never match the effort the C.I.A put into getting rid of Castro. Known as 638 ways to kill Castro, the Warner Brothers department of the C.I.A (does anyone know what the "I" stands for?) went to Wile E Coyote lengths to get their man including : leaping out at him on a beech holding an exploding conch shell - shoot him with a machine gun hidden in a TV camera - spread rumours that the 2nd coming of Christ was imminent and Castro was the Anti-Christ - And Yes, they even considered an exploding cigar!!

Does the pope shit in the woods?

2011-04-25T15:03:00.000+01:00

I've always annoyed people with these sarcastic responses. My top ten in ascending order : Do fish swim? Do chickens have lips? (this would be actually be a no!) Is a duck's ass watertight? Do one legged ducks swim in a circle? Do sharks crap in the sea? Do camels screw in the desert? Does a bear shit in the woods? Does Pinocchio have wooden balls? Is the pope a catholic? and my favourite : Does Dolly Parton sleep on her back?

Bomb-titi, bomb-titi, bomb

2011-04-24T12:58:00.000+01:00

It's not your everyday threat when explosive devises are sent to a team's manager but Celtic's boss has found himself slightly unpopular with, we have to assume, Rangers fans. Time and again I hear something on the news straight out of a Roadrunner cartoon. (maybe it's just me!) I'd love to think that the Rangers boss would paint a tunnel entrance on a wall so that the Celtic team bus would drive into it... or following tradition, drive straight through it. Maybe Celtic could respond with a few carefully placed garden rakes around the penalty area so as to catch a few Rangers players. I've got the game on in the background now but it's just been 34 minutes of kicking each other. Same old same old!!

Who dropped the cup

2011-04-23T20:03:00.000+01:00

All over the TV, newspapers and internet is the incident during Real Madrid's open top bus parade after wing the Copa del Rey. Sergio Ramos somehow dropped the trophy which was then run over by a coach driver who clearly supported Barca. Open top buses are an accident waiting to happen. Why do you think the Pope uses an enclosed vehicle. Amazingly the England cricket team, after winning the ashes the time before last, paraded on one and although every player was clearly pissed as a fart, remained on board. They continued to wave and celebrate oblivious to what they were celebrating or to who they were waving. The Madrid players were way too sober for such a celebration.

Hot cross bunny

2011-04-22T13:53:00.000+01:00

Easter time is traditionally some sort of vague religious festival, can't quite see the connection between The Life Of Brian and chocolate eggs, but there you go! News yesterday reported that over 80,000 people and on disability benefit due to drug or alcohol addiction or because they're fat bastards. If anyone fancies being signed off work (nice weather at the moment) then dive into those chocolate eggs. Even better when the shops reduce them on Monday. The pounds will soon pile on and you can look forward to a lifetime of Jeremy Kyle shows, cash in the attic and the Vanessa show without having to confirm that you are actually looking for work. (nothing upsets fat bastards more than having to lie about looking for work.)

Are we there yet?

2011-04-17T12:45:00.000+01:00

Today is the London marathon - one definition of a marathon is; a long and arduous undertaking, which describes perfectly what it's like to watch one of these things... which I don't. It's not the only marathon this month. The Boston marathon is run tomorrow. One way to get over the Monday work blues! It's also the oldest, being first run in 1897 before running was done for fun. Back then you only ran to get away from the muggers. Women had to wait until 1972 before being allowed to run in the event. Prior to that women had to wear a disguise... except women athletes from the Eastern Block countries who usually passed for men anyway. Hats off to Rosie Ruiz who won the 1980 running after covering most of the 26 miles plus by subway train! And it still took a week before they disqualified her!

Fluffy, cloudy, sheepy thoughts!

2011-04-13T18:28:00.000+01:00

I love clouds, me. It would appear that I'm not alone. The cloud appreciation society, which boasts over 8,000 members, love them too. The interweby is chock full of photos resembling all manner of things : dragons, pasta shapes, turtles, 6 legged pigs and even the "cloudship" enterprise. As I look out of my window I can see something that I can safely say reminds me of my pants... grey, horrible looking and about to get very wet! It is England, after all.

Sketchbook of dread

2011-04-11T20:36:00.000+01:00

The aftermath of Saturday's National brought home the sad reality of national hunt horse racing when millions of television viewers around the world saw the prone bodies of two horses so tragically killed during the race... looking on the bright side, neither of them were my selection. Almost AS tragic though was that Skippers Brig trailed in a sorry 9th. There were times on the second circuit when I could have ran faster. Still, there's always next year... and again, it was very sad to lose two horses... I forget their names. Dobin and Hi Ho Silver, or summat!!

Aye, aye, Skipper!

2011-04-09T12:00:00.001+01:00

It's Grand National day! My selection as depicted on the left is Skippers Brig. Might I just point that I picked the winner last year. Today's Sun lists 10 of the greatest races including Aldaniti in 1981. Jockey Bob Champion was diagnosed with testicular cancer but showed real balls to overcome this life threatening condition. The horse himself had to overcome a career ending injury when he broke down. In layman's terms I think this means they had to replace a few parts and stick a new set of Duracel batteries up his arse. The only National to match this level of emotion was last year. (when I picked the winner might I remind you!!) Jockey Tony McCoy suffered a nasty paper cut the night before the race and his mount, Don't Push It was accidentally driven to a glue factory on the morning of the race!! Tension indeed.

Britain's got no talent

2011-03-30T21:38:00.000+01:00

Now that we're into B.S.T there are events to look forward to but also events to fear. One such torture is Britain's Got Talent. But at least these people do something. the dumbest, so called, talent has to be professional lookalikes! What pleasure is there to be had from a miserable Arsene Wenger lookalike? And what does he do? You'd have to hire a 4th official for him to argue with otherwise he'd be lost. One agency's Maria Sharapova lookalike boasts, "...a great personality and a full tennis kit." As opposed to what? Flippers and a snorkel? Their woeful Harry Potter lookalike has apparently attended store openings, fetes and book signings leaving every one wondering, "When the F**K is Harry Potter turning up? Special mention though has to go to Ray James - Hitler lookalike. No doubt available for Bar Mitzvahs and collecting for the poppy appeal in November!

Sketchbook of Fear

2011-03-24T19:50:00.000Z

Nice to finally see the back of winter with the the welcome appearance of some warmer weather. There's a number of things to remember about last winter, the huge amounts of snow we had in December for one but also the student protests. Although it was an interesting touch to see a fire extinguisher plummet to the ground I think their protest would have been better served had they gone down a more Looney Tunes route!! Follow the "acme" fire extinguisher with a few trademark anvils then perhaps an elephant. Add to the mix a medium sized fishing boat and round it all off with the statue of liberty... classic Roadrunner. The students finally dispersed when they discovered that all the pubs in the area were offering student discount on all beers - that and the threat from the police to use soap and water on the crowd!!

France verses Wales

2011-03-23T23:09:00.000Z

Big disappointment on Saturday as England failed in their bid for Grand Slam glory and were thumped by Ireland in the Six Nations. England did win the tournament itself ahead of France and wales. Next it's the Rugby World Cup in New Zealand and a group that includes Scotland and Georgia. (although I'm guessing NOT the state in America. I hardly think that the rugby World Cup is a place for backward, inbred, cousin lovin', illiterate rednecks. Like I said, we're in a group that includes Scotland!!

It's Christmas with booze

2011-03-17T21:34:00.000Z

Although Patrick is without question the most popular patron saint there are thousands of the buggers! I would think that some of them might not tempt you to test the limits of your alcoholic consumption in quite the same way. Anyone care to celebrate St. Gang Bing's day - patron saint of eunuchs? Bet you haven't got the balls!! How about St. Gummarus' day - patron saint of lumberjacks? You get to wear high heels, stockings, suspenders and a bra!! But I guess the most pointless saint would be St. Andrew Avellino, the patron saint of sudden death. Not someone you're gonna make the most of on account of sudden death being, er, well... sudden! I think I'll go and pray to St. Qwerty, patron saint of spoll chackers so he kan chick my spilling is korockt!!

A most unexpected item!

2011-03-14T18:49:00.000Z

First things first, I hate these infernal self service machines. If ever I get near them I can hear them say to each other, "Eh, up! 'ere comes that sad old bastard and his economy range sausages and beans." I'm sure they create holographic images of other customers to make me think that the queue is gonna take ages and therefore for speed I end up using a self service till. And, as always, there is something in my basket that will - and EVERYTHING in the basket has come from their shelves - turn out to be, "unexpected". "Ooh! A tin of Tesco's own baked beans. We didn't expect that!" I could understand if I'd scanned a dead cat I'd scrapped off the pavement or attempted to bag a wandering infant I'd found looking forlornly at the cereal selection but it's all your produce you pathetic machines. I've seen the Terminator films, I know how this pans out. Be warned, Everyone!

England vs Scotland

2011-03-13T21:14:00.000Z

And so the Grand Slam is still on after England thumped our kilt wearing, caber tossing, porridge eating friends north of the border. Scotland will have to contend themselves with their annual battle for the wooden spoon next week when they play Italy in a loser takes all game! The wooden spoon is a sort of booby prize for whoever finishes last in certain sports. Actual wooden spoons used to be given out and over the years increased in size from actual to comical : 1.5 meters long. The last one ever awarded was in 1909 to a certain Cuthbert Lempirere Holthouse. (I'm not making it up!) He was an oarsman for a Cambridge boat club... ironic, as he probably would have won if his oar had been the size of the spoon!!!

two and half men, half a brain

2011-03-11T21:39:00.000Z

And the ironic thing is that Charlie Sheen HAS done something stupid in the last 24 hours! Ammunition and an antique rifle have been found at his home in Los Angeles when he knows he isn't allowed to possess a firearm. He might argue that as the rifle is an antique it is merely for looking at... in the same way, let's say, a burglar might find himself looking down it's barrel. Can't see Charlie ever pointing a rifle at anyone. A revolver, yes. After all, he'd need the other hand to hold the bottle of whisky!! Then again, he does have those two porn stars he's currently shacked up with. I'm sure they'd hold something for him. I'm certainly not holding my breath for any more episodes of Two and a half men!! Career... toilet, Mr Sheen?