Ashes to ashes

So, the England cricket team have landed in Australia to begin the defence of the Ashes. How many times are we going to hear the words, England batting collapse, between now and the end of the tour? My guess is eight!! Our chances of winning the series are about the same as Stevie Wonder getting his pilot's licence.

Squid no more

Although thought to be, in hindsight, way off the mark with his prediction about the future of talkies, H.M. Warner, co founder of Warner Brothers, asked in 1927, "Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" Well, whenever Danny Dyer's on the telly I hit the mute button. Mr Warner was obviously predicting the future of cable television.

Who'll start the bidding?

Although this piece is obviously about Jedward can I just begin by stating that I hate their fecking guts, the talentless arse-wipes!!! That's better! After been given some of their (hard earned??) cash to spend they splashed out around 20 grand on some memorabilia/junk on an internet auction including £3,000 on an old bed sheet belonging and signed by Michael Jackson. It's also signed by Macauley Culkin although the signature's a bit shaky on account of Michael ramming him up the cat-flap at the time!

When's lunch? I'm hungry

Probably the most popular sandwich franchise in the world is Subway. Available in 92 countries, but among the countries where you can't get your hands on a 6" (ooh, er, missus!!) are the Sandwich Islands! Discovered by Captain Cook in 1775 (but it was always there before he "found" it!) it was named Sandwich Land in honour of the 4th Earl of Sandwich. Later that afternoon Cook discovered another little island and called it Chip Butty Land after the 7th Duke of Chipbutty... but maybe he didn't. And, for the benefit of my student daughter... There's a recipe, dear, on the internet (where facebook is) 'cos I know how you struggle! Really!!! It's on studentrecipes.com

If anyone can, Heineken

As more of a rugby union fan than a football fan the start of the Heineken Cup is always something to look forward to with the likes of leicester, wasps and saracens up against the best in Europe. As a kid I remember watching the (then) 5 nations and during the national anthems the camera would pan across the England team and reveal our lads to be clean-cut, honest looking fellows. Then the camera would pan across the French team... full of the ugliest, meanest looking cut throats I'd ever seen except in any film on TV about the French revolution. They looked like the halftime break would be spent storming the bastille! And usually the camera would pan across the top of some short player's head, probably a fly-half, looking like a 2nd former playing in the seniors team by mistake. And then he'd proceed to lead the French team in yet another humiliating defeat for England. Le Bastards!

Delhi belly-up

I had to mention the Commonwealth Games at some stage and the swimming teams coming down with a bit of Delhi Belly made me smile. Still, the swimmers have followed through with their promise to squeeze one more performance out and Brit, Rebbecca Adlington was as good as her word and won the 400 m freestyle... followed by gold in the 100m shits.

Sesame street buns

Katie Perry appeared on Sesame Street recently and generated a huge number of complaints from parents... parents, mind you. Not the kids that the program is meant for!! You don't get pre-school kids phoning up ITV about the sex scenes in Footballer's Wives, do you? Seems a bit one sided to me. And it was Katie Perry. What did they expect? You wouldn't have booked Mother Teressa for a stag night and then complain she didn't get her kit off and gobble the groom! (although I have it on good authority that...)

You can bank on it

So, bank complaints are up to an all time high. It's not the banks faults, it's that us Brits love a good whinge. We're not happy unless we're complaining about something: it's too hot, it's too cold, it's too expensive, it's too much trouble... If there was an event for complaining in the Olympics, like a 100m whinge, we'd win easily. I know over half a dozen people who are the Usain Bolt of whining... no wait. That's just me each day of the week. Oh, the week! Don't get me started about the week. Smug little periods of time fitting into neat packages of 12 "months" to create a year. Oh, the year! Don't get me started...

Hill's have eyes

On this this day in history... Harry Hill was born in 1964. Actually born Matthew Keith Hall and before becoming a comedian trained as a brain surgeon!! Is still a registered doctor so if the world goes tits up after some global disaster his, "TV Burp" will have to be put on hold for a season or two while he takes up his position of doctor and treats the great unwashed!! I can't imagine anyone lying in some make-shift hospital with fire raging all around and the sound of earthquakes and explosions shaking the place being comforted by the sight of Doctor Hill staring at you saying, "What are the chances of that happening? And somewhere in this hospital is the knitted character. Can you see him? Yes, there he is. Tangled up in Mr Jeffries' lower intestine... in that bucket... next to his cold, lifeless corpse!!"