Grand National Winning Colours?

It's my favourite sporting event of the year (just ahead of European custard filled underpants championships) and I have a selection to pass on. I've put a lot of thought into this and as statistically the race is usually won by a horse of some description I have chosen... a horse. Previous winners have usually had four legs and a tail so that has also been taken into consideration. Add to that the fact that the Irish have a great record in the race I've gone for Colbert Station. Irish trainer, Irish owner, Irish jockey (probably a leprechaun !!) heck, even the horse has a strong Irish accent and lives on guinness. Round about this time of year the old "ban the race" brigade come out the woodwork. They bang on about the cruelty of the race and the deaths of the horses. Come on, if the race was banned what the hell would Findus put in their lasagne???????

Flagged Offside

Ahh, the Olympics have arrived and so has Mr Cock-up. To be more specific, he's booked into a Premier Inn in Glasgow just a stones throw from where North Korea's first footie game was played. There was a bit of a cock up with the flags. Come on, North Korea, just deal with it. It's not as if anyone back home is going to see the game as no one's got a TV. At best the game would have been on the radio but the commentary would have been pre-recorded having North Korea win 3-0. North Korea have probably recorded them winning the football gold medal along with about 20 other events. It's not as if the flag thing was the worst thing to ever happen during a tournament... a girl from Kazakhstan won gold at some event in Kuwait but instead of the real national anthem the organizers played the one from Borat !!!!

I'm Henry the eighth, I am

What the hell was that on TV last night? I was watching the FA cup highlights and what looked like Only Fools and Horses' Uncle Albert had blacked up and came on as a substitute for Arsenal!! What has Thierry Henry being doing since he left Arsenal? Set p his own badger reserve? We're led to believe he's been playing for the New York Red Bulls Give You Wings in the American inter-Continental soccer league east conference. I think he replaced Tom Hanks on that island and has only just been rescued. In all fairness to him, what a goal, what a story. The way he took that lateral pass from his defensive tight end and rushed for eight yards before beating the Leeds linebacker then slam-dunking the ball passed the on rushing Leeds quarterback was brilliant. F.A. Bowl for the gunners, eh?

R is for : Racehorse

Fun and freaky fact : Every single race horse can trace it's lineage back to just three stallions - Byerly Turk, Darley Arabian and Godolphin Arabian. Seventeen kids in Dundee and trace their lineage back to just one feckless, benefit scrounging parasite called Jamie Cummings.The kids share fourteen mothers all claiming every benefit under the sun (by, sun, I mean, government) If Jamie was a race horse he'd be called Feckless Twat. He'd be running in selling platers at Catterick hopefully being gelded after a string of disappointing finishes. Possibly even breaking his leg in his last race and being shot!!

Q is for : Quarterback

Fun and freaky fact : Tennessee Titans' quarterback Matt Hasselbeck has been struck by lightning on two separate occasions, obviously not during a game. American football games are played in ALL weathers, never being called off... except for lightning storms. Shame, as it would have been great to see a quarterback's skeleton like an x-ray, just as you see in a Tex Avery cartoon!!

Forgot something?

Nearly the end of the flat season and I don't recall posting anything to do with horse racing. My favourite flat horse when I was a little kid was Brigadier Gerard, a brilliant horse who won 15 straight races until beaten by Roberto... a horse named after an Arthur Conan Doyle character beaten by a horse sharing his name with a Brazilian footballer. Nothing dirty about those names... unlike, Barely Legal, Rhythm Method, Golden Shower, Blow Me or (my favourite) Hardawn! I admit I've only got the internet to go by but I HAVE seen video of Hoof Hearted winning. That was priceless!!

Not now, Donkey!

With Wayne Rooney out of the Manchester United game against the formidable FC Basle (well, formidable in Basle anyway) Who will Alex Ferguson call on? Just for novelty value he should get Rooney's brother off the bench... when I say, bench, I mean Swamp. And when I say, brother, I mean... brother!! And Hernandez is also out of the game with a dead leg. (not completely dead mind you, just an appendage) These footballers, eh? They throw themselves to the ground at the slightest touch and now pull out out of a big game just 'cos they're slowly decomposing. I say get Donkey up front with Shrek and see how the partnership works out. I like Donkey. Sometimes I imagine he's walking beside me when I go to the shops. Just thought I'd throw that in! Oh, and Sid from the Ice Age movies... I imagine a lot of things!

Through the round window

It's the last day of football's transfer window and it's when millions of pounds are spent but looking back through old transfer fees, for £8,693,333.33 you could have bought : Ray Clemence, Terry Butcher, Bobby Moore, Emyln Hughes, Stuart Pearce (back 4 and goalie) Alan Ball, Ray Wilkins, Brian Robson (midfield) and forwards : Kevin Keegan, Ian Rush and Malcolm Macdonald. I only include him because he was responsible for the 33p above!!! All the above together would get you about a sixth of Fernando Torres. Well, His feet are useless so that leaves a torso, a head, 2 arms and he's bollocks. (Yeah, spelt "he's" correctly!) Hey, Fernando! What do you call those things at either end of the pitch? No, not photographers... no, not corner flags...

Sketchbook of panic

I've heard that the next time England play New Zealand we're going to respond to their Haka with some effeminate morris dancing, bells and all. The idea being that they'll be pissing themselves laughing so much that we'll storm into a seven point lead and thereafter adopt similar tactics to Bugs Bunny and co in Space Jam... put explosives in the ball when they're about to kick for a penalty, keep moving the goal posts if thy attempt a drop goal or put our players in spring heeled boots to gain an advantage at line-outs. The only way we'll win the World Cup this time, IN New Zealand, is to use that film as a template or, like all the other teams, hope that someone else knocks them out before the final.

Giddy up, horsey!

There's a lot more to have a bet on other than the gee-gees. A Canadian bloke won $100,000 for getting breast implants and keeping them for a year! The same bloke won $15,000 for living in his bathroom for a month. A month? What was he doing in there? Oh, yeah! He had titties - they'd amuse any bloke for a month. If you fancy a bet yourself then for Elvis to still be alive is 1000-1. For the Queen to live to be 100 is a generous 17-1 and for Bono to be the next Pope is 1000-1 (he thinks he already is!) Or maybe you like the 12-1 for England to win the 2014 World Cup. Are you taking the piss? I'd rather stake my left bollock on Elvis to marry the Queen and Bono to do the honours!!

Should we change ends?

Played over 2 days near the village of Ashbourne (Shrove Tuesday & Ash Wednesday) there is a game of football that resembles a mass brawl. Up to 3,000 people enjoy a game that has been contested for over 1,000 years. The game starts at 2pm and ends at 10 pm. (I've watched England play so I'm familiar with what 8 hours feels like!) On Christmas day 1914 troops put down their guns and a football game broke out! I believe WE went for an attacking 42,000 - 26,000 - 49,000 but despite the Royal Air Corp strafing the German goal, the Bosch held on to win... on penalties! We tried a rematch in the 2nd World War but the Yanks kept getting in the way shouting, "Blue 42, red 7 right. Hut, hut, hut!!"

Grand Prix d'umberella

And so last Sunday's rain effected Canadian Grand Prix was the longest ever. I'm not a big F1 fan so any race seems like it goes on for ever. 70 times they went round that track, like my Uncle Raynard driving to the shops and refusing to ask for directions. To me it's like a manly version of the school run, same route over and over again and you can replace the pit stop with a quick dash into Morrisons to get some cakes for the Jeremy Kyle show. The fastest ever lap on this track was 1:13.622 by Rubens Barrichello. Matched, after a fashion, by Vicky Turnblue who once got Chelsea Turnblue to St Miyaichi's School for Bastard Children in 2:45.651.

Saints and sinners

Coincidence last weekend as the SAINTS lost... chucked away rugby's heineken cup and Manchester's red DEVILS won the premier league. Other interesting nicknames are Saint's football neighbours known as the cobblers. (no, it's true!) My team, Sunderland are the black cats ('cos it's unlucky to support the bloody team!) Everton are known as the toffees because 50 or so years ago a (mad?) woman used to throw toffees into the crowd... so maybe a woman used to throw black cats into the crowd at Roker Park! By the same token women have for decades lobbed bulls, badgers, hammers, owls, pensioners and... Stanley into the baying mobs. Best of all is Hartlepool, known as the monkey hangers. Legend has it that during the Napoleonic wars a French ship ran aground nearby and a monkey escaped. A reward was offered for the capture of any French spy. These fine (but thick as shit) people caught and hung the monkey thinking it was a Frenchman, no one in the town had ever seen a french person. (or a bath) The reward was £500 which is known today as... a monkey. Educational this interweb ain't it?

Pardon my injunction

So that's one super injunction blown out of the water, the next one looks like it's going to be a well known actor caught schtumping the same hooker Wayne Rooney scored with. Then there was Gordon Ramsay's father in law who had a secret family (not quite in the same league as Josef Fritzl) this never even reached the, "guess who has a family hidden the kitchen" injunction stage. His wife never even knew about the other family in much the same way I suppose that Fritzl's wife didn't ever wonder why her husband spent so much time in the family basement... he didn't even HAVE a train set! These women must watch Superman and scratch their heads thinking, "You mean, he was Clark Kent all along?"

Bomb-titi, bomb-titi, bomb

It's not your everyday threat when explosive devises are sent to a team's manager but Celtic's boss has found himself slightly unpopular with, we have to assume, Rangers fans. Time and again I hear something on the news straight out of a Roadrunner cartoon. (maybe it's just me!) I'd love to think that the Rangers boss would paint a tunnel entrance on a wall so that the Celtic team bus would drive into it... or following tradition, drive straight through it. Maybe Celtic could respond with a few carefully placed garden rakes around the penalty area so as to catch a few Rangers players. I've got the game on in the background now but it's just been 34 minutes of kicking each other. Same old same old!!

Who dropped the cup

All over the TV, newspapers and internet is the incident during Real Madrid's open top bus parade after wing the Copa del Rey. Sergio Ramos somehow dropped the trophy which was then run over by a coach driver who clearly supported Barca. Open top buses are an accident waiting to happen. Why do you think the Pope uses an enclosed vehicle. Amazingly the England cricket team, after winning the ashes the time before last, paraded on one and although every player was clearly pissed as a fart, remained on board. They continued to wave and celebrate oblivious to what they were celebrating or to who they were waving. The Madrid players were way too sober for such a celebration.

Are we there yet?

Today is the London marathon - one definition of a marathon is; a long and arduous undertaking, which describes perfectly what it's like to watch one of these things... which I don't. It's not the only marathon this month. The Boston marathon is run tomorrow. One way to get over the Monday work blues! It's also the oldest, being first run in 1897 before running was done for fun. Back then you only ran to get away from the muggers. Women had to wait until 1972 before being allowed to run in the event. Prior to that women had to wear a disguise... except women athletes from the Eastern Block countries who usually passed for men anyway. Hats off to Rosie Ruiz who won the 1980 running after covering most of the 26 miles plus by subway train! And it still took a week before they disqualified her!

Aye, aye, Skipper!

It's Grand National day! My selection as depicted on the left is Skippers Brig. Might I just point that I picked the winner last year. Today's Sun lists 10 of the greatest races including Aldaniti in 1981. Jockey Bob Champion was diagnosed with testicular cancer but showed real balls to overcome this life threatening condition. The horse himself had to overcome a career ending injury when he broke down. In layman's terms I think this means they had to replace a few parts and stick a new set of Duracel batteries up his arse. The only National to match this level of emotion was last year. (when I picked the winner might I remind you!!) Jockey Tony McCoy suffered a nasty paper cut the night before the race and his mount, Don't Push It was accidentally driven to a glue factory on the morning of the race!! Tension indeed.

France verses Wales

Big disappointment on Saturday as England failed in their bid for Grand Slam glory and were thumped by Ireland in the Six Nations. England did win the tournament itself ahead of France and wales. Next it's the Rugby World Cup in New Zealand and a group that includes Scotland and Georgia. (although I'm guessing NOT the state in America. I hardly think that the rugby World Cup is a place for backward, inbred, cousin lovin', illiterate rednecks. Like I said, we're in a group that includes Scotland!!

England vs Scotland

And so the Grand Slam is still on after England thumped our kilt wearing, caber tossing, porridge eating friends north of the border. Scotland will have to contend themselves with their annual battle for the wooden spoon next week when they play Italy in a loser takes all game! The wooden spoon is a sort of booby prize for whoever finishes last in certain sports. Actual wooden spoons used to be given out and over the years increased in size from actual to comical : 1.5 meters long. The last one ever awarded was in 1909 to a certain Cuthbert Lempirere Holthouse. (I'm not making it up!) He was an oarsman for a Cambridge boat club... ironic, as he probably would have won if his oar had been the size of the spoon!!!