Sketchbook of fright

Film and TV characters never seem to get hungry or even go to the toilet. 24's Jack Bauer can go a whole day and never feel the need to see a man about a dog... unless the dog owner happens to have hidden 10lb's of high explosive up the dog's arse. Any normal person would quite easily find themselves in a situation of having to say, "I'm sorry, Madame President. I know you're about to be shot but I've got a tortoise in the tunnel and these jeans have to last 24 episodes!" Never in, what was it? seven seasons? did Bauer walk into shot saying, "Blimey, I needed that." And as for characters like Batman. How the hell DOES he take a leak? That suit's got no buttons. If he was to stop for a bite to eat and let's say he has a fancy for a Chicken Madrass, he's got to be able to get cheek to seat pretty sharpish. I've sat at work and buried quite a few in my chair so Batman's suit after even a mild Korma would stink to high heaven!!

We don't need another hero

Phoenix Jones is a real-life superhero who lives in Seattle. And he's not the only one. Thorn, Gemini, Thunder 88 are among a group calling themselves the Raincity Superhero Movement. There's also another member of the team called, No Name. You have to think that his heart just isn't into it! Phoenix's suit, so we're told, incorporates a bullet-proof vest and trauma plating that protects his "sensitive" areas... such as any sense of embarrassment! Phoenix says that, "When I walk into a neighbourhood, criminals leave the area because they see the suit." They've just gone round the corner because they're pissing themselves laughing, mate!