Sketchbook of depression

A wizened old lady walked down a dark street,

With a tatty old jumper and no shoes on her feet.

From round a dark corner a sound did she hear,

So horrid and frightful it filled her with fear.

And out stepped a man with a face that was foul.

"I know you." she said, "You're that Simon Cowell!"

"I'm looking for talent for a new TV show.

You choose red or black, that's how it will go."

"But haven't you done that already, my dear?

You're repeating yourself and that much is clear." 

"But this one is different for it'll cost you your life.

Just one wrong answer and I'll make you my wife.

A bride of the undead is what you'll become,

You... and a dancer, my Aunt and a nun!"

"If a vampire you are, with my mirror I'll check...

Ooops! Too late now 'cos you're bitten my neck."

And with that the old lady breathed her last breath

And joined Simon Cowell in a land full of death.

"One thing I must ask as I enjoy this mince pie,

Tell me, dear Simon why're your trousers so high?"

Sketchbook of panic

I've heard that the next time England play New Zealand we're going to respond to their Haka with some effeminate morris dancing, bells and all. The idea being that they'll be pissing themselves laughing so much that we'll storm into a seven point lead and thereafter adopt similar tactics to Bugs Bunny and co in Space Jam... put explosives in the ball when they're about to kick for a penalty, keep moving the goal posts if thy attempt a drop goal or put our players in spring heeled boots to gain an advantage at line-outs. The only way we'll win the World Cup this time, IN New Zealand, is to use that film as a template or, like all the other teams, hope that someone else knocks them out before the final.

Sketchbook of fright

Film and TV characters never seem to get hungry or even go to the toilet. 24's Jack Bauer can go a whole day and never feel the need to see a man about a dog... unless the dog owner happens to have hidden 10lb's of high explosive up the dog's arse. Any normal person would quite easily find themselves in a situation of having to say, "I'm sorry, Madame President. I know you're about to be shot but I've got a tortoise in the tunnel and these jeans have to last 24 episodes!" Never in, what was it? seven seasons? did Bauer walk into shot saying, "Blimey, I needed that." And as for characters like Batman. How the hell DOES he take a leak? That suit's got no buttons. If he was to stop for a bite to eat and let's say he has a fancy for a Chicken Madrass, he's got to be able to get cheek to seat pretty sharpish. I've sat at work and buried quite a few in my chair so Batman's suit after even a mild Korma would stink to high heaven!!

Sketchbook of Fear

Nice to finally see the back of winter with the the welcome appearance of some warmer weather. There's a number of things to remember about last winter, the huge amounts of snow we had in December for one but also the student protests. Although it was an interesting touch to see a fire extinguisher plummet to the ground I think their protest would have been better served had they gone down a more Looney Tunes route!! Follow the "acme" fire extinguisher with a few trademark anvils then perhaps an elephant. Add to the mix a medium sized fishing boat and round it all off with the statue of liberty... classic Roadrunner. The students finally dispersed when they discovered that all the pubs in the area were offering student discount on all beers - that and the threat from the police to use soap and water on the crowd!!

Sketchbook of despair

Although I don't have a fear of clowns (known as coulrophobia) I do find them to be not in the least bit funny, they can be scary - (Pennywise in Stephen King's "IT") but funny? No. Old ladies falling over? Yes. Clowns - no! My worst fear as a teenager would be to meet the girl of my dreams only to find out that her dad was a clown! What could be worse - "I'll give you a lift home, lad. It's no trouble." Cut to : squeezing into a tiny car with twenty other clowns, doors falling off, exploding wheels... no wait. That was my student days!!

Sketchbook of woe

Following on from yesterday's post this is another cartoon from the food section of my sketchbook. Inspired by Carmen Miranda and the hat she wore I added some veg. It wasn't the easiest of pictures to draw as me and veg are not that closely associated (or fruit come to think of it) Carmen was a popular singer in the 40's and 50's and would be known mostly for the song, Ai, Ai, Ai (I like you very much) But like me you probably remember Jerry in the Tom & Jerry cartoons dressing up as her!! Carmen died suddenly when she was looking up at a crack in the ceiling and the weight of her hat broke her neck. I put my back out looking at my crack once, but that's a different story!!

Sketchbook of horror

Bob's BBQ & Mexican Grill in good ol' Texas serve the world's largest beefburger. Their menu advertises the Wagon Wheel Challenge... eat their mammoth 8 inch, 3 1/2 pound burger in less that 15 minutes and the burger is FREE. Medical insurance in America ISN'T, so the ambulance to rush you to hospital will make a nice dent in your wallet!

Sketchbook of terror

Another dip into the archives. Today a caricature of that monkey shagging, baby dangling, pasty faced, child fondling, squeaky voiced, crotch grabbing man that is... Michael Jackson. But let's not hold that against him...hold Macauley Culkin against him, now he'd have liked that. And the other "worked up" sketch is... a German!

Sketchbook of Doom

I don't actually keep sketchbooks, just piles of paper in no order whatsoever. I think I've got some sort of OCD or something 'cos I know that if I had such a thing It'd be fine if the first page had a couple of drawings I was happy with but as soon as I'd draw a sketch I didn't like I'd tear the page out because it would ruin the whole book. Then I'd burn the book so that there was no evidence of such an error ever existing!!! But I thought they'd be no harm in posting some random sketches, or in this case, a few things worked up a bit. That's a typical birthday for me in the 2nd sketch and the 1st picture was an idea for a cartoon that after a week or so was no longer topical. I never got round to drawing it properly. Basically, the whole world was furious with the cat chucker of Coventry, saying how cruel she was...even China!!! Jeez. She only dumped it in a bin. It's not like she shoved in into a saucepan of boiling water!!! While I think of it, the last time I had a chinese I found a bell in my chow mein!!