How black was my sabbath

I swear I'd posted this caricature ages ago but can't see any sign of it on here so may as well post it now. Tony Iommi is without question the master of the heavy guitar riff. I think most people know that he lost the ends of two of his fingers on his fretting hand so it's amazing that he's as good as he is. Apparently he glued the the tops of a couple of washing up liquid bottles onto his fingers so he could play. Bet Blue Peter never thought of that!! I did hear that porn star, Chad Thrust lost half of his old boy in a car door and he too used a washing up liquid bottle. It also came in handy when it was his turn to do the dishes... and press the button for the lift when he was carrying 2 bags of groceries.

Edinburgh Rock

I don't usually blow my own trumpet (haven't got the lips for it) but I'm posting this as I'm only responsible for the artwork, the client, Bob Skeldon did his own layout and did a good job too. This is a show that is part of this year's Edinburgh Festival. Typically an event that sees just about every comedian in the UK (and beyond) cross the border to Haggis land and try to give the locals a good laugh. (in much the same way that the Scottish football team do when they play at Wembley) I've never been but this year might be the time to get my jabs and dust off the old passport and catch a train to the motherland (I say motherland only because of my surname I wasn't actually born there, I'm as Scottish as Rod Stewart!!!)

Bonkers Boris

Determined as I am to get back into putting stuff on this blog, I've done this cartoon strip to get the ball rolling. It was drawn as a side project for a client I've illustrated a book for. To quote Rowan Keating, you say it best when you say nothing at all... no wait, that doesn't work. You say it best when you say it!!! The following is a quote from Professor Bo Beolens OBE, KFC, MUFC, expert on all things birdlike --

The 'Why Not Manston' campaign is virtually unique being the opposite of Nimbyism. A group of people in Thanet want to see their local airport used as another 'London' airport as it already has the longest runway in the country, all the necessary infrastructure, plenty of space within its perimeter to expand services and most of the necessary feeder transport infrastructure. The one improvement necessary would be a spur line a few miles long to the fast rail to London. It would have negligible environmental impact compared to all the other proposals to meet London's air transport needs.

I believe, however, that a hedgehog lives nearby and has gone to the European Court of Human Rights. Bloody red tape!!! Come on Boris, if you so much as expand Heathrow by a foot you'll be inside someone's back garden!!! You're not much of a thinker and there's a solution right in front of you!!!

I've got wood

Yesterday was Rolling Stones' Ronnie Wood's birthday so in honour of this event, but in no way as good as him getting his free bus pass, I've posted an old 3D render I've had hanging around on my hard drive. It's also an excuse to start updating this blog like I used to. I think the identity parade needs explaining as it's not too obvious. On the left is Sharon stone, then the Rolling stones, stone Cold Steve Austin and Oliver stone... yeah, well it is an old cartoon, they'll get better. (actually, they wont!!)

T is for : Tyrant

Fun and freaky fact : Jeez! Where do you start. Here's 5 of 'em. Kim Jong Il spread the myth that he could control the weather depending on his moods : Kim Jong Il told his people that he was a worldwide fashion icon. He claimed that his French designed suits were an unprecedented global fashion phenomenon : Kim Jong Il  ordered that a city be built on the border just for South Korea to look at and to make them think life was better in North Korea. No one lives there and the lights are on timers! : Having banned all western influences, Kim Jong Il has "created" new non-western food such as a sandwich called, "double bread with meat" and subsequently built a hamburger factory to make them! : Kim Jong Il has never taken a shit : Okay, that's five but there's more. Prior to the 1983 World Festival Of Youth & Students all disabled and short people were removed from the capital, Pyongyang! AND... Kim Jong Il, on his first ever game of golf, hit a score of 38 under par including 11 hole in ones. This round of golf was confirmed by his seventeen bodyguards!!

S is for : Santa Claus

Fun and freaky fact : There is no Santa, it's your dad that dresses up. Although to be honest, he doesn't even bother to dress up. He waits till there's an advert during the darts on Sky Sports and sticks your presents under the tree and then shags your mum. "I Saw Mummy Kissing Santa Claus!" You're lucky, kid. If you'd carried on watching it would have scarred you for life. Oh, and that mince pie? Yeah, you guessed it. Fat so and so eats that as well. My favourite Santa outfit? Vera Ellen in White Christmas! Didn't expect that did you?

L is for : Les Paul guitars

...and Les paul himself. Fun and freaky fact : Guitarist Les Paul, having been involved in a car accident in 1948, asked doctors to set his arm permanently in a guitar playing position. Danny Dyer has asked doctors to set his arm in a begging for more TV work position... he hadn't been involved in any accident as far as I know!!

Not now, Donkey!

With Wayne Rooney out of the Manchester United game against the formidable FC Basle (well, formidable in Basle anyway) Who will Alex Ferguson call on? Just for novelty value he should get Rooney's brother off the bench... when I say, bench, I mean Swamp. And when I say, brother, I mean... brother!! And Hernandez is also out of the game with a dead leg. (not completely dead mind you, just an appendage) These footballers, eh? They throw themselves to the ground at the slightest touch and now pull out out of a big game just 'cos they're slowly decomposing. I say get Donkey up front with Shrek and see how the partnership works out. I like Donkey. Sometimes I imagine he's walking beside me when I go to the shops. Just thought I'd throw that in! Oh, and Sid from the Ice Age movies... I imagine a lot of things!

Conan the whatever!

In a parallel universe Arnold... President Arnold Schwarzenegger drew the curtains on a glittering acting career with a 3rd best actor oscar for his incredible performance as Ghandi in, "Ghandi 2: Lust For Glory". Arnie had previously won the award for his portrayal of Colonel Gaddafi in Martin Scorsese's "Carry On Up The Dictator" and a year earlier for the lead role of O.J. Simpson in, "If The Glove Fits". After marrying his childhood sweetheart Sarah Conner, Arnie set about the campaign which saw the Austrian Oak take his place in the historic oval office of the Whitehouse. Arnold would go onto win re-election twice before returning to movies as a middle aged Harry Potter in,"Harry Potter and fuck me is there no end to these bloody films". A 4th oscar was to follow, this time as director in the James Bond film, "Oh, no! Goldenballs from Russia with diamonds and eyes to kill another day who loved me not enough with a view to kill with the golden gun tomorrow on her majesty's secret octopussy of solace."

How the Devil are you?

Like many other people I'm fascinated in a strange way with this, 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon thing. So, to go from the Prince of Darkness himself via : Aleister Crowley, well known disciple of Satan and all things demonic to : Led Zeppelin's Jimmy Page who bought Crowley's mansion, Boleskine House on the shores of Loch Ness to : Sandy Denny who sang on Zeppelin's Battle of Evermore and formerly with The Strawbs : as was Rick Wakeman (he of Yes) One of his many solo albums was, Journey to the Center of the Earth : Earth being the original name of Black Sabbath : whose singer was Ozzy Osbourne and on his debut solo album sang... Mr Crowley. What? it's supposed to end on Kevin Bacon? Er, his postman calls him Mr Bacon!!

The mad Princesses

Just worth mentioning that this is my 100th post and I'm taking the opportunity to draw something to commemorate the Royal wedding last Friday. I wasn't going to watch it but I took a peek and was hooked! Made me feel proud to be British. But as our Royal family is descended from Germans, I'm sure that Germans feel proud to be, er... German. What I noticed more than Will and Kate was these two: Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie looked like something out of a Tim Burton film, completely mental. Aside from those two the camera did pick up some of the other Royals and I have to say, to quote the radio add for Seesaw.com that cathedral was, "a cookie tin of lookers! Even Camilla, if you like that sort of thing." Actually no, but I must be getting old because now even the Prime Minister's old lady looks fit!! Now, whens the next Royal wedding?

Bad Hair day

Like a possum, the Hognose, Grass snake and Spitting cobra will fake their death if threatened - very much like professional footballers will fake injury if you so much as look at them. The website that provided me with the above fact was very polite and said that they also let out some smelly stuff from their anal gland... which I think means they shit themselves!! The snake, that is, not the footballers. They just talk it! MY favourite snake is of course the Monty Python, which I think once ate a parrot... and a bicycle repairman or two.

Ronal d'oh!

And so Ronaldo retires. If it hadn't been for the injuries that plagued him he could well have been the best ever. The only player to touch him (oh, er, missus!) in my book was the inimitable Bert Trumshaw who played for Accrington Stanley in the 1920's. Roni might have played for Real Madrid but Bert went one better by actually going to watch them play. He took a week off work from his job at a fish finger factory making prosthetic hands for the fish to go to Europe. Bert was the first person in his family to eat paella. So impressed was Bert by the silky skills of the Spanish, he copied what he saw and introduced a continental flair to the English game. That season Bert led his team to a best ever 1st round FA cup exit... and administration. Gawd bless you, Bert "paella" Trumshaw!

Spare a few coppers, mate?

A word of advice to any bad guys who live in Delta City...Hit Robocop in the mouth. It's not protected, you could beat him with a rolled up newspaper!!! I like my cop shows to have a bit of realism to them : Hill Street Blues was always my favourite. Police Squad is probably next. Frank Drebin. Now that was a law enforcement officer. A favourite line?
FRANK - I wonder why Savage would be hanging out in a place like that?
ED - Sex Frank?
FRANK - Er... Not right now Ed - we got work to do!

Turn a new Page

While we're still in January I'll wish a belated happy birthday to this man. Although not strictly speaking a religious person I do believe there is a God... and he's name is JIMMY PAGE. This man is responsible for the vast majority of my air guitar histrionics over the years and is rightly regarded as one of the best guitarists ever. Not long ago my daughter was here at my place and I was playing a CD of Stairway to Heaven : live, and she was singing along to the opening verse. When she declared during Page's guitar solo that, "wow! He's really good", I could feel myself welling up - my job as a parent was complete... my daughter was ready to venture out into the world. Job done! Altogether now - da, dar, da, dar, da, da-da-da, da-da-da...

It's a kinda... Borat

Half Borat, half Freddie Mercury. This is a doodle that grew a bit from the scrap of paper it started on!! The film of Freddie Mercury kicked into production yesterday with Sacha Baron Cohen perfectly cast as Freddie. Yeah, I know! It's Borat!! But he just looks perfect. Makes me wonder if there were any other screen tests for the role.
Robert De Niro - "You wanna break free? You're the only one here. You wanna break the f**k free? Oh yeah? ok." -- NEXT!
Samuel L. Jackson - "We WILL f**k you. Killer Queen? I'll kill the motherf**king lot of you. I'll tie your goddamn mother down. That bitch ain't never gonna get up. Dig it? -- NEXT

Going for the girl

So the human twiglet is pregnant again. Mrs Beckham has pleasured herself once more with those goldenballs. It's said that the fourth child is always heavier that the other ones. It can be ten or even eleven pounds... so it looks like Victoria's weight will double by the end of the pregnancy!! So desperate is she for a girl that the midwife has banned her from watching Eastenders in case she has a boy and swaps it for some one else's baby. She's believed to be so desperate that she'd even swap a boy for a baby panda at the zoo.

Who'll start the bidding?

Although this piece is obviously about Jedward can I just begin by stating that I hate their fecking guts, the talentless arse-wipes!!! That's better! After been given some of their (hard earned??) cash to spend they splashed out around 20 grand on some memorabilia/junk on an internet auction including £3,000 on an old bed sheet belonging and signed by Michael Jackson. It's also signed by Macauley Culkin although the signature's a bit shaky on account of Michael ramming him up the cat-flap at the time!

Hill's have eyes

On this this day in history... Harry Hill was born in 1964. Actually born Matthew Keith Hall and before becoming a comedian trained as a brain surgeon!! Is still a registered doctor so if the world goes tits up after some global disaster his, "TV Burp" will have to be put on hold for a season or two while he takes up his position of doctor and treats the great unwashed!! I can't imagine anyone lying in some make-shift hospital with fire raging all around and the sound of earthquakes and explosions shaking the place being comforted by the sight of Doctor Hill staring at you saying, "What are the chances of that happening? And somewhere in this hospital is the knitted character. Can you see him? Yes, there he is. Tangled up in Mr Jeffries' lower intestine... in that bucket... next to his cold, lifeless corpse!!"

Draw me!!

Some bloke at work, who I'll call Ben (not to hide his identity but because it's his name!) keeps asking me to draw him. I don't usually do requests, (unless it includes a donkey, handcuffs and a jar of French mustard) but as he is the originator of the title for this blog, then okay. For it is Ben who asks of me, "three fingers?" If there is anyone else at work who can equal the dizzy heights my boredom reaches it's him. I think that if either of us spotted a length of rope we'd fight over it!!
And one last word about his shirt/tie combinations. It's like Goodfellas at a gay pride parade!!