Through the round window

It's the last day of football's transfer window and it's when millions of pounds are spent but looking back through old transfer fees, for £8,693,333.33 you could have bought : Ray Clemence, Terry Butcher, Bobby Moore, Emyln Hughes, Stuart Pearce (back 4 and goalie) Alan Ball, Ray Wilkins, Brian Robson (midfield) and forwards : Kevin Keegan, Ian Rush and Malcolm Macdonald. I only include him because he was responsible for the 33p above!!! All the above together would get you about a sixth of Fernando Torres. Well, His feet are useless so that leaves a torso, a head, 2 arms and he's bollocks. (Yeah, spelt "he's" correctly!) Hey, Fernando! What do you call those things at either end of the pitch? No, not photographers... no, not corner flags...

Sketchbook of panic

I've heard that the next time England play New Zealand we're going to respond to their Haka with some effeminate morris dancing, bells and all. The idea being that they'll be pissing themselves laughing so much that we'll storm into a seven point lead and thereafter adopt similar tactics to Bugs Bunny and co in Space Jam... put explosives in the ball when they're about to kick for a penalty, keep moving the goal posts if thy attempt a drop goal or put our players in spring heeled boots to gain an advantage at line-outs. The only way we'll win the World Cup this time, IN New Zealand, is to use that film as a template or, like all the other teams, hope that someone else knocks them out before the final.

Conan the whatever!

In a parallel universe Arnold... President Arnold Schwarzenegger drew the curtains on a glittering acting career with a 3rd best actor oscar for his incredible performance as Ghandi in, "Ghandi 2: Lust For Glory". Arnie had previously won the award for his portrayal of Colonel Gaddafi in Martin Scorsese's "Carry On Up The Dictator" and a year earlier for the lead role of O.J. Simpson in, "If The Glove Fits". After marrying his childhood sweetheart Sarah Conner, Arnie set about the campaign which saw the Austrian Oak take his place in the historic oval office of the Whitehouse. Arnold would go onto win re-election twice before returning to movies as a middle aged Harry Potter in,"Harry Potter and fuck me is there no end to these bloody films". A 4th oscar was to follow, this time as director in the James Bond film, "Oh, no! Goldenballs from Russia with diamonds and eyes to kill another day who loved me not enough with a view to kill with the golden gun tomorrow on her majesty's secret octopussy of solace."

Are you taking the piss?

Funny to see screen legend (in France, anyway) Gerard Depardieu getting chucked off the plane prior to his flight to Dublin. Having seen some of his films they might have waited till they were at 10,000 feet. Air France are insisting he stood up and took a piss in the aisle but his friends say was relieving himself in an empty wine bottle... which might explain the rather bitter Chardonnay I had with lunch yesterday!

Tuesday, newsday

As if there isn't enough suffering in the world, Jordan has announced that she is going to be recording a new album. (all around the country deaf people are cutting off their ears) As if to provide some sort of justification she said the album will be for charity... Royal society for the deaf? Perhaps she means that as with bands such as Kiss, AC/DC and the Eagles who sold their last albums exclusively in Wall-mart stores, Jordan's album will be on sale exclusively IN charity shops! Once it's recorded could I suggest a copy be sent to our troops in Afghanistan. They could blast it out at the Taliban. It'll have the same effect as the bombing of Hiroshima.
Colonel Gaddafi has asked for people to martyr themselves (wait till Jordan's album comes out, mate!) He'll still be alive but his followers will be thinking they're taking the fight to the enemy and a glorious death awaits them. Gaddafi has now fired the first scud missile of the conflict. Fortunately it missed it's target... Brega. Not a library or a rebel stronghold or even a sports stadium, but a whole town!! Blimey, even Fernando Torres could hit a town!
His team-mate John Obi Mikel's father has been kidnapped back home in Nigeria. Although no ransom demand has yet to be received it's rumoured to be a million pounds and Fernando Torres in an exchange deal... better to be safe than sorry. Offer them five million. It's the only way you'll get rid of him.
Manchester United's new goalie, David De Gea has had a bad start to the season and is taking quite a bit of flack. To be fair, most goalies have a weakness... his just happens to be goalkeeping!

Sketchbook of fright

Film and TV characters never seem to get hungry or even go to the toilet. 24's Jack Bauer can go a whole day and never feel the need to see a man about a dog... unless the dog owner happens to have hidden 10lb's of high explosive up the dog's arse. Any normal person would quite easily find themselves in a situation of having to say, "I'm sorry, Madame President. I know you're about to be shot but I've got a tortoise in the tunnel and these jeans have to last 24 episodes!" Never in, what was it? seven seasons? did Bauer walk into shot saying, "Blimey, I needed that." And as for characters like Batman. How the hell DOES he take a leak? That suit's got no buttons. If he was to stop for a bite to eat and let's say he has a fancy for a Chicken Madrass, he's got to be able to get cheek to seat pretty sharpish. I've sat at work and buried quite a few in my chair so Batman's suit after even a mild Korma would stink to high heaven!!

We don't need another hero

Phoenix Jones is a real-life superhero who lives in Seattle. And he's not the only one. Thorn, Gemini, Thunder 88 are among a group calling themselves the Raincity Superhero Movement. There's also another member of the team called, No Name. You have to think that his heart just isn't into it! Phoenix's suit, so we're told, incorporates a bullet-proof vest and trauma plating that protects his "sensitive" areas... such as any sense of embarrassment! Phoenix says that, "When I walk into a neighbourhood, criminals leave the area because they see the suit." They've just gone round the corner because they're pissing themselves laughing, mate!