The rabbits are rampant!!

Going back a bit again to strip number 2. Someday I'll get these up to date with what I'm drawing now. Apparently women can get a lot of pleasure from buying themselves a rabbit. Must be a bit of a pain when you have to keep cleaning out the hutch but you women are strange creatures! Funny how those duracel adverts on TV feature a rabbit! And he's always banging away at something. Naughty advertisers!

Stookie, the beginning

May as well upload the Stookie strips that I've already done from the beginning. There is a facebook page that John's sorted out (John writes the strip). We've all collected stuff. Remember standing in the playground staring at another kids bulge?  Er, bulging wad of panini football stickers hoping you could swap one of your 20 copies of some Birmingham City centre forward for a much rarer Kevin Keegan (yes, I'm that old, piss off!!!) The scene always unfolded in the same way : got, got, got, got, got, got, got, haven't got! What I did have was 20 copies of a Birmingham City centre forward that everyone had got and even Birmingham City couldn't get rid of him. In all my years of collecting football stickers I never completed a single sticker album, a trait that was passed onto my daughter. Never did she ever complete her Hercules sticker album, nor her Lion King, Hunchback Of Notre Dame... etc.

A second Stookie strip

I love a cuppa, I does. I'm very partial to a nice biscuit to dunk in my cuppa.... er, make that a plate of biscuits.... er, make that a packet of biscuits. To be honest I dunk so many biscuits that when I get to actually drinking the tea, it's all be soaked up by the biscuits and I have to boil the kettle again. I've never used misogyny in a cartoon before, like I've never used, I'll do the dishes in a sentence.

Strip? Can I keep my boxers on?

No idea why I haven't posted this (or any of the others) here until now but this is a cartoon strip I do along with a stand up comic who lives in Edinburgh. A stookie is one of those plaster casts that go on the lower part of the arm. I don't think they're made of plaster these days but I'm only guessing as I don't often fall out of trees and break my arm. I'm a dogger not a peeping tom!!!!

Got more heir than his dad!

Ah, the question that was asked a lot on the radio this morning, where were you when you found out about the royal birth? Some people seemed to be doing something important or will remember where they were for many years to come. Me? I was watching the horse racing at Windsor on the At The Races channel on sky!!! They were very professional about it all things considered. The commentator, Matt Chapman I think, was prattling on about 3 winning favourites having obliged or some horse putting in a gallant effort in defeat when, with not much else to talk about, asked if anyone knew if the baby had been born yet? Thinking perhaps that they might have a reporter outside the hospital. (I'd love to think they had some reporters dressed as a jockey and a pantomime horse urging Kate on like a horse you've bet a few quid on!!!) Then they cut to the studio and someone announced that a boy had been born. So there you go, that's how I found out... a bit like Russell Brand announcing that as from this moment, we are now at war with Germany!!! Matt did then wonder if anyone was actually watching anymore or weather the whole country had gone baby crazy. I wouldn't desert you, not when I've 50p on the favourite in the next race, Matt!!!!

Reach for the starbucks

So another 70's celebrity is arrested for child sex abuses. Jimmy Tarbuck this time. Tarbuck was from a generation of comics who seemed to base their act on jokes that started, "I wouldn't say that my mother in law is fat, but... " Now I wouldn't say that Jimmy Tarbuck was funny... I wouldn't, really, I wouldn't! My favourite comedian of that era was always Dave Allan, absolute genius. At least no one can say anything bad about him now that he's passed on, but we never did find out where he lost that finger!!!

How black was my sabbath

I swear I'd posted this caricature ages ago but can't see any sign of it on here so may as well post it now. Tony Iommi is without question the master of the heavy guitar riff. I think most people know that he lost the ends of two of his fingers on his fretting hand so it's amazing that he's as good as he is. Apparently he glued the the tops of a couple of washing up liquid bottles onto his fingers so he could play. Bet Blue Peter never thought of that!! I did hear that porn star, Chad Thrust lost half of his old boy in a car door and he too used a washing up liquid bottle. It also came in handy when it was his turn to do the dishes... and press the button for the lift when he was carrying 2 bags of groceries.

Maggie, Maggie, Maggie!

Today is the day when they finally put Maggie in the ground. Millions of people will be watching if only to make sure that they do bury her... preferably in a mirror lined casket with some garlic and make sure that they dig a hole at least 20 feet deep and pour concrete over the top... Oh, and maybe they should have separated the head from the body first and bury that on the other side of the world. To be fair Maggie did loads of great things for this country, such as... damn! caps lock seems to be playing up and I think maybe Explorer has crashed!!!

Edinburgh Rock

I don't usually blow my own trumpet (haven't got the lips for it) but I'm posting this as I'm only responsible for the artwork, the client, Bob Skeldon did his own layout and did a good job too. This is a show that is part of this year's Edinburgh Festival. Typically an event that sees just about every comedian in the UK (and beyond) cross the border to Haggis land and try to give the locals a good laugh. (in much the same way that the Scottish football team do when they play at Wembley) I've never been but this year might be the time to get my jabs and dust off the old passport and catch a train to the motherland (I say motherland only because of my surname I wasn't actually born there, I'm as Scottish as Rod Stewart!!!)

Grand National Winning Colours?

It's my favourite sporting event of the year (just ahead of European custard filled underpants championships) and I have a selection to pass on. I've put a lot of thought into this and as statistically the race is usually won by a horse of some description I have chosen... a horse. Previous winners have usually had four legs and a tail so that has also been taken into consideration. Add to that the fact that the Irish have a great record in the race I've gone for Colbert Station. Irish trainer, Irish owner, Irish jockey (probably a leprechaun !!) heck, even the horse has a strong Irish accent and lives on guinness. Round about this time of year the old "ban the race" brigade come out the woodwork. They bang on about the cruelty of the race and the deaths of the horses. Come on, if the race was banned what the hell would Findus put in their lasagne???????

Dreaming of a white Easter!!

I can't believe how sodding cold it is. They're even talking on the radio about bookies taking bets for a white Easter!! It's not that unusual though. Apparently it's more likely to snow at Easter than at Christmas. Let's face it, this is England. It's more likely to piss down during the summer than at Christmas. I can't believe we didn't win any swimming golds at the Olympics, it's not as if we didn't have anything to practice in! This little character is someone that might be seen quite often in the near future, he's called Stookie. Watch this space.

Bonkers Boris

Determined as I am to get back into putting stuff on this blog, I've done this cartoon strip to get the ball rolling. It was drawn as a side project for a client I've illustrated a book for. To quote Rowan Keating, you say it best when you say nothing at all... no wait, that doesn't work. You say it best when you say it!!! The following is a quote from Professor Bo Beolens OBE, KFC, MUFC, expert on all things birdlike --

The 'Why Not Manston' campaign is virtually unique being the opposite of Nimbyism. A group of people in Thanet want to see their local airport used as another 'London' airport as it already has the longest runway in the country, all the necessary infrastructure, plenty of space within its perimeter to expand services and most of the necessary feeder transport infrastructure. The one improvement necessary would be a spur line a few miles long to the fast rail to London. It would have negligible environmental impact compared to all the other proposals to meet London's air transport needs.

I believe, however, that a hedgehog lives nearby and has gone to the European Court of Human Rights. Bloody red tape!!! Come on Boris, if you so much as expand Heathrow by a foot you'll be inside someone's back garden!!! You're not much of a thinker and there's a solution right in front of you!!!

...after the horse has bolted

I did notice that some of the teams at the opening ceremony was larger than 4 years ago. Bit handy really if you fancy "missing" the boat back and show up at your local council office asking for benefits. You can imagine some Albanian athlete turning up at the selection meeting. "So, Igor. What's your personal best for the 100 meters?" - About a minute and a half." - "You're in." Eat your heart out Usain Bolt, I used to do the 100 meters in about 10 seconds.. in the arcades on that Track And Field game!!! Remember that game? You either had the 2 button version or the joystick version. I preferred the buttons. Banging a joystick back and forth was like a busman's holiday to a teenager!!!!

Timorous Beasties

As patron of the WWF I was recently invited to wrestle the last remaining living Benaya h'll bird in it's natural habitat in a skip at the back of Tescos. The Benaya h'll bird is famed for it's prowess with the ladies. It's mating ritual includes chasing a long line of females dressed in nurses uniforms around the car park whilst squawking a tuneless rendition of Yakety Yak. The casual observer might also get the feeling that this all happens as if somehow speeded up. As for the wrestling match, I won by technical knock out and the Benaya h'll (Benny Hill!! I know, tenuous ain't it?) bird is now available in a bargain bucket in Fat Achmed's Chicken Palace.

Is that your final answer?

Game show contestants are a strange breed... by strange I mean thick. Some classic responses to questions in Family Fortunes make you think that the family members watching at home are the one's who got the looks.
Something made of wool : A sheep -- A word used to describe a very hot day : A very hot day -- Something that comes in 7's : Fingers -- Something you open other than a door : Your bowels
Mind you, for the last one the question would have to be the other way round!! I went earlier today and it was a baby's arm. Flushed it and it was still looking at me like a crocodile in a cave. Talk about knowing I'd passed one, it signed the guest book on the way out!

Booked if I know!

Today I salute a new phenomenon, mummy porn... I thought we already had that with MILF but maybe I'm wrong. It seems every woman in the world has read the Fifty Shades of Grey books including my daughter. This was a bit of a surprise, not because of her tender years but because I didn't know she could read!! She said the books are a bit of an eye opener, a feeling I felt when I first read Enid Blyton's Famous Five take it up the wrong 'un. The first book has now become the fastest selling paperback beating the Harry Potter books. Don't worry, Potter-ites, the re-issued Potter books will be back at number one with added dialogue such as, "Okay, Harry. Now the safety word is Wingardium Leviosa." "Don't worry Dobbie, I done this before."

Flagged Offside

Ahh, the Olympics have arrived and so has Mr Cock-up. To be more specific, he's booked into a Premier Inn in Glasgow just a stones throw from where North Korea's first footie game was played. There was a bit of a cock up with the flags. Come on, North Korea, just deal with it. It's not as if anyone back home is going to see the game as no one's got a TV. At best the game would have been on the radio but the commentary would have been pre-recorded having North Korea win 3-0. North Korea have probably recorded them winning the football gold medal along with about 20 other events. It's not as if the flag thing was the worst thing to ever happen during a tournament... a girl from Kazakhstan won gold at some event in Kuwait but instead of the real national anthem the organizers played the one from Borat !!!!

I've got wood

Yesterday was Rolling Stones' Ronnie Wood's birthday so in honour of this event, but in no way as good as him getting his free bus pass, I've posted an old 3D render I've had hanging around on my hard drive. It's also an excuse to start updating this blog like I used to. I think the identity parade needs explaining as it's not too obvious. On the left is Sharon stone, then the Rolling stones, stone Cold Steve Austin and Oliver stone... yeah, well it is an old cartoon, they'll get better. (actually, they wont!!)

Mine's a pint

This is one of the cartoons I'm drawing for an ongoing project. Basically they're to illustrate a safety manual and stress, in the above case, the dangers of entering an area contaminated with cyanide without the correct breathing equipment. Most people see a few spy films on TV or something about the last days of WWII and think that cyanide only comes in the form of capsules that the baddies bite onto... but noooooo! It's a very common substance, in small amounts. The mining industry does however use a large amount and the manual stresses the dangers.
Image used with kind permission of the author. I don't know to much about copy-write but if anyone uses this cartoon I'll stamp on your head and kill your dog. I'm pretty sure that's what copy-write infringement is!!

Taking the piss

I had a blind friend round for dinner once, nothing special, cheese on toast. I gave him the cheese grater and said I had to have a pee. Came back and he said it was the worst book he'd ever read! Guide dogs are clever. They know exactly where they're going. If your sat nav ever breaks down just grab the nearest guide dog and say, Manchester!! You'll b there before tea time... quicker if you let him drive!