Crying over spilt milk

Most newspapers carried the story today of supermarkets selling milk from cloned cows. From a comic book/super hero point of view this is just the sort of thing that might lead to the imergence of super villains. People who were mearly mild mannered traffic attendants or call centre staff by day drink this strange milk and develop some sort of evil alter-ego and then find they have a keen sense of smell or something... or maybe it'll just turn your piss green and your balls will shrivel up!!

I can negotiate, me

It's been a week or so since the Raoul Moat standoff (watch out for Living TV's, "What Raoul did next") Something that had me slapping my forehead and muttering, D'oh! was Gazza turning up with some lager and food, obviously getting mixed up with the barbecue he'd been invited to the next day. Perhaps I'm being a tad too hard him. Maybe, just maybe, this is the way to deal with tense situations. I'd like to see him flown out to deal with the middle east problem. He'd be there armed with a meat pie, a bag of nuts and a six-pack of brown ale ready for when anything kicks off. Obviously if he was dealing with a muslim Gazza would have to leave the brown ale on the back seat, but providing the meat pie was halal he'd be good to go!

World cup predictions

A big story at this World Cup has been about the predictive powers of a certain Paul the Octopus. Paul, who accurately predicted all of Germany's results, is not the only animal with a special talent in the prediction department. Edwardo the elephant (a toothless old Indian type) was given two team photos to choose from before each of England's games and chose to crap on the England photo each time. Although in hindsight this wasn't showing any actual predictive powers, just Edwardo's realisation, along with the rest of the country's...that England were shite!!

Football? That's for the birds.

England's World Cup game 2 highlights are now available on the comedy channel but the highlight was the bird that perched on the Algerian goal. (I believe it was a speckled pigeon : columbia guinea) Just shows how inept we are when a bird thinks the safest place in the stadium is on the opponents goal!! The only reason it even flew off was the thought of the change of ends for the second half and the likelihood of David James deflecting a back pass off his knee into the roof of the net.

Glove you to death

On this day in 1994 OJ Simpson (Homer's brother) led the LAPD on the most famous car chase in history. Honest, if the police had got out and walked they could have caught him!! Everyone thinks he was driving away from a murder scene but he was actually driving away from a failed, poorly executed art theft. He had very little petrol and was trying to conserve what little he had left by driving that slowly. As he explained later to officer Santana when the get-away vehicle was found with 3 valuable painting inside; OJ needed the MONET to buy DEGAS to make the VAN GOGH!!!

Bigger van cheeses

On this day in 1971 the South African Broadcasting Company lifted it's ban on playing Beatles records over the bigger than Jesus comment. This, in a country which at the time was in the middle of apartheid. It's not like John said that blacks were bigger than Jesus!! Other countries reacted differently; Bulgaria banned VW Beatles. New Zealand banned people listening to Beatles music while driving a VW Beatle. Bolivia banned people playing the game Beetle while listening to Beatles music while driving a VW Beatle and Mrs Cotgrove-Biggins of Abrosia Lane asked if anyone had seen her cat, Tiddles.

What's in a name?

The first Saturday in June is Derby day and 12 horses are in with a shout, each carrying the hopes of someone. They might use one of many tried and trusted methods of selection. More common for the once a year punters is to go by the name, like for example, anyone called Edward might pick Ted Spread... along with a few lap dancers no doubt. And any 17th century dutch painters still alive might be thinking it's fate that there is a horse running in the Derby with the same name. From the point of view of any owners, It IS possible to name a racehorse in any foreign language; French, for example. L'escargot won the National in between Red Rum's 3 victories. Someone once tried and almost got away with naming his horse French for BIG TITS!!! Damn Jockey Club spoil sports.
Since I somehow picked the winner of the National, my selection today is Jan Vermeer...'cos I'm a 17th century dutch painter!!