Grand Prix d'umberella

And so last Sunday's rain effected Canadian Grand Prix was the longest ever. I'm not a big F1 fan so any race seems like it goes on for ever. 70 times they went round that track, like my Uncle Raynard driving to the shops and refusing to ask for directions. To me it's like a manly version of the school run, same route over and over again and you can replace the pit stop with a quick dash into Morrisons to get some cakes for the Jeremy Kyle show. The fastest ever lap on this track was 1:13.622 by Rubens Barrichello. Matched, after a fashion, by Vicky Turnblue who once got Chelsea Turnblue to St Miyaichi's School for Bastard Children in 2:45.651.

You're Jester not funny anymore

Jesters are alive and well. Among the notable members of the Guild of Jesters (yes there's a Guild!) is Peterkins the Fool, an "Olympian stilt-walker". (must have missed that event in Bejing!) Tarot was the inaugural Jester of the Year in 1996. (I know!) Dee the Famous Jester can "usually be found up in Cumbria." Thanks for the heads up - note to self, avoid Cumbria... for ever! Mostly I like Jonathan the Jester, appointed by the Mayor as the official Jester of Salisbury. He's duties include cheering up people, performing silly tricks or stilt-walking. Is that all it takes to cheer up Salisbury? Set yourself a challenge, man. Visit St. Bernards home for the criminally depressed or where I work! 20 minutes, tops! You'll want to kill yourself.

Zippy he did do-da!

The world of puppets was in mourning on Wednesday as news came that Roy Skelton, the voice of Zippy, had died aged 79. Puppets the length and breadth of Britain held a minutes silence... Okay, the blokes that do the voices shut up for a minute. The puppet industry has, like any other area of entertainment, had to come to terms with the loss of the voices behind the felt and latex. Anthony Geiss provided the voice of Big Bird... killed when Big Worm took his revenge : Frank Oz the voice of Yoda... killed when using a bit too much force on the toilet after a particularly strong Chicken Madras : And of course, Jim Henson, who WAS Kermit... died of a very severe case of frog in the throat. All of which leaves just one question. ORVILLE. Will you just f**k off and die!!!

To hell and Barack again

He came, he saw, he buggered off to France. While Barack Obama was on this side of the pond he served Guinness to all the other O'Bamas in his home town in Ireland. Then he got behind the Prime Ministerial B.B.Q with David Cameron to serve burgers to our troops with a cheery, "You go kill those Taliban bastards, soldier!"Then it was off to school for a foresome with 2 young boys...my mistake. That was the Pope's visit! During the subsequent heavy defeat, our two illustrious leaders high-fived after a winning (the only winning) shot. Obama can carry it off, Cameron... can't. Bit of an awkward moment really : a bit like your mum being a "friend" on Facebook or kissing your nan and leading with your tongue because you mistook her in the light for your girlfriend! What? We've all been there!

Saints and sinners

Coincidence last weekend as the SAINTS lost... chucked away rugby's heineken cup and Manchester's red DEVILS won the premier league. Other interesting nicknames are Saint's football neighbours known as the cobblers. (no, it's true!) My team, Sunderland are the black cats ('cos it's unlucky to support the bloody team!) Everton are known as the toffees because 50 or so years ago a (mad?) woman used to throw toffees into the crowd... so maybe a woman used to throw black cats into the crowd at Roker Park! By the same token women have for decades lobbed bulls, badgers, hammers, owls, pensioners and... Stanley into the baying mobs. Best of all is Hartlepool, known as the monkey hangers. Legend has it that during the Napoleonic wars a French ship ran aground nearby and a monkey escaped. A reward was offered for the capture of any French spy. These fine (but thick as shit) people caught and hung the monkey thinking it was a Frenchman, no one in the town had ever seen a french person. (or a bath) The reward was £500 which is known today as... a monkey. Educational this interweb ain't it?

Pardon my injunction

So that's one super injunction blown out of the water, the next one looks like it's going to be a well known actor caught schtumping the same hooker Wayne Rooney scored with. Then there was Gordon Ramsay's father in law who had a secret family (not quite in the same league as Josef Fritzl) this never even reached the, "guess who has a family hidden the kitchen" injunction stage. His wife never even knew about the other family in much the same way I suppose that Fritzl's wife didn't ever wonder why her husband spent so much time in the family basement... he didn't even HAVE a train set! These women must watch Superman and scratch their heads thinking, "You mean, he was Clark Kent all along?"

We're still here, people!

After my collection of Bin Laden cartoons were posted I was paid a visit by the Peoples popular Front of Talibanistan yesterday. They said everything would be forgiven if I said 5 hail Marys and drank a BLOODY mary. (or was it the other way round?) Something seemed a bit out of place and I wasn't altogether sure they were Muslims: one of them appeared to have a false beard and another took an overly keen interest in the cover of my vinyl copy of, "Saint Tarquin's Catholic boys choir sing christmas carols." Anyway, it's a double celebration because we're all still here. The world DIDN'T end on Saturday. Barking mad Harold Camping must be a might embarassed to still be around, especially since he'd canceled his Sky subscription and it's a bugger to get it set back up again! Talk about your Monday morning blues. But don't book that late Autumn weekend away just yet 'cos it's all going tits up 21st October. Mad as a bag of cats! Don't let us mock you, though. Carry on Camping!!