Britain's got no talent

Now that we're into B.S.T there are events to look forward to but also events to fear. One such torture is Britain's Got Talent. But at least these people do something. the dumbest, so called, talent has to be professional lookalikes! What pleasure is there to be had from a miserable Arsene Wenger lookalike? And what does he do? You'd have to hire a 4th official for him to argue with otherwise he'd be lost. One agency's Maria Sharapova lookalike boasts, "...a great personality and a full tennis kit." As opposed to what? Flippers and a snorkel? Their woeful Harry Potter lookalike has apparently attended store openings, fetes and book signings leaving every one wondering, "When the F**K is Harry Potter turning up? Special mention though has to go to Ray James - Hitler lookalike. No doubt available for Bar Mitzvahs and collecting for the poppy appeal in November!

Sketchbook of Fear

Nice to finally see the back of winter with the the welcome appearance of some warmer weather. There's a number of things to remember about last winter, the huge amounts of snow we had in December for one but also the student protests. Although it was an interesting touch to see a fire extinguisher plummet to the ground I think their protest would have been better served had they gone down a more Looney Tunes route!! Follow the "acme" fire extinguisher with a few trademark anvils then perhaps an elephant. Add to the mix a medium sized fishing boat and round it all off with the statue of liberty... classic Roadrunner. The students finally dispersed when they discovered that all the pubs in the area were offering student discount on all beers - that and the threat from the police to use soap and water on the crowd!!

France verses Wales

Big disappointment on Saturday as England failed in their bid for Grand Slam glory and were thumped by Ireland in the Six Nations. England did win the tournament itself ahead of France and wales. Next it's the Rugby World Cup in New Zealand and a group that includes Scotland and Georgia. (although I'm guessing NOT the state in America. I hardly think that the rugby World Cup is a place for backward, inbred, cousin lovin', illiterate rednecks. Like I said, we're in a group that includes Scotland!!

It's Christmas with booze

Although Patrick is without question the most popular patron saint there are thousands of the buggers! I would think that some of them might not tempt you to test the limits of your alcoholic consumption in quite the same way. Anyone care to celebrate St. Gang Bing's day - patron saint of eunuchs? Bet you haven't got the balls!! How about St. Gummarus' day - patron saint of lumberjacks? You get to wear high heels, stockings, suspenders and a bra!! But I guess the most pointless saint would be St. Andrew Avellino, the patron saint of sudden death. Not someone you're gonna make the most of on account of sudden death being, er, well... sudden! I think I'll go and pray to St. Qwerty, patron saint of spoll chackers so he kan chick my spilling is korockt!!

A most unexpected item!

First things first, I hate these infernal self service machines. If ever I get near them I can hear them say to each other, "Eh, up! 'ere comes that sad old bastard and his economy range sausages and beans." I'm sure they create holographic images of other customers to make me think that the queue is gonna take ages and therefore for speed I end up using a self service till. And, as always, there is something in my basket that will - and EVERYTHING in the basket has come from their shelves - turn out to be, "unexpected". "Ooh! A tin of Tesco's own baked beans. We didn't expect that!" I could understand if I'd scanned a dead cat I'd scrapped off the pavement or attempted to bag a wandering infant I'd found looking forlornly at the cereal selection but it's all your produce you pathetic machines. I've seen the Terminator films, I know how this pans out. Be warned, Everyone!

England vs Scotland

And so the Grand Slam is still on after England thumped our kilt wearing, caber tossing, porridge eating friends north of the border. Scotland will have to contend themselves with their annual battle for the wooden spoon next week when they play Italy in a loser takes all game! The wooden spoon is a sort of booby prize for whoever finishes last in certain sports. Actual wooden spoons used to be given out and over the years increased in size from actual to comical : 1.5 meters long. The last one ever awarded was in 1909 to a certain Cuthbert Lempirere Holthouse. (I'm not making it up!) He was an oarsman for a Cambridge boat club... ironic, as he probably would have won if his oar had been the size of the spoon!!!

two and half men, half a brain

And the ironic thing is that Charlie Sheen HAS done something stupid in the last 24 hours! Ammunition and an antique rifle have been found at his home in Los Angeles when he knows he isn't allowed to possess a firearm. He might argue that as the rifle is an antique it is merely for looking at... in the same way, let's say, a burglar might find himself looking down it's barrel. Can't see Charlie ever pointing a rifle at anyone. A revolver, yes. After all, he'd need the other hand to hold the bottle of whisky!! Then again, he does have those two porn stars he's currently shacked up with. I'm sure they'd hold something for him. I'm certainly not holding my breath for any more episodes of Two and a half men!! Career... toilet, Mr Sheen?

Sketchbook of despair

Although I don't have a fear of clowns (known as coulrophobia) I do find them to be not in the least bit funny, they can be scary - (Pennywise in Stephen King's "IT") but funny? No. Old ladies falling over? Yes. Clowns - no! My worst fear as a teenager would be to meet the girl of my dreams only to find out that her dad was a clown! What could be worse - "I'll give you a lift home, lad. It's no trouble." Cut to : squeezing into a tiny car with twenty other clowns, doors falling off, exploding wheels... no wait. That was my student days!!

Women's international Shrove tuesday

I don't know if I've actually grasped the concept of International Women's Day but if any of you are reading this : I've got a stack of washing up, some dusting and a bit of light hoovering if you fancy it? Shame it clashed with pancake day though, isn't it.

Bad Hair day

Like a possum, the Hognose, Grass snake and Spitting cobra will fake their death if threatened - very much like professional footballers will fake injury if you so much as look at them. The website that provided me with the above fact was very polite and said that they also let out some smelly stuff from their anal gland... which I think means they shit themselves!! The snake, that is, not the footballers. They just talk it! MY favourite snake is of course the Monty Python, which I think once ate a parrot... and a bicycle repairman or two.