Can you sign this for me?

Talking of autographs. I've got a signed copy of a Lester Piggott autobiography but to be honest how would I know if it's a genuine signature? It looks neither like, Lester OR Piggott. At best it looks like, Festy Gyjou. I also have a signed group photo of The Scorpions signed by : Dsons (base), Hmyln Jue (drums), Haus Al (vocals), Wpwsn (guitar) and Rdolf Sls (guitar). I'm not really one for autographs but I do have Andrew Bailey. He signed a £5 note of mine. Which was nice of him and at least I can read it.

And from an artistic perspective, the last 3 cartoons prove why I don't really do cartoons in watercolour, preferring instead Photoshop or Painter!

It wasn't the chicken or the egg!

Charles Darwin had a few theories of his own about how we got here. Previous belief was that God made love to monkeys and along came man. (not to watch! I meant, then we were born) The publication of Darwin's Origin of the Species put forward new compelling evidence for evolution, proving once and for all that rabbits didn't hatch from eggs. My favourite evolutionary line is from My Name is Earl. Randy has to go back to high school and is met after class one day by Earl who asks what he'd learnt. Randy replied that he'd learnt that man came from monkeys, but if that was true why are there still monkeys? I'll answer that by saying that some monkeys evolve slower than other monkeys. Some of these monkeys will evolve into captains of industry or world leaders. We're expecting great things from these monkeys... once they grow out of the habit of chucking their shit at each other!!

Giddy up, horsey!

There's a lot more to have a bet on other than the gee-gees. A Canadian bloke won $100,000 for getting breast implants and keeping them for a year! The same bloke won $15,000 for living in his bathroom for a month. A month? What was he doing in there? Oh, yeah! He had titties - they'd amuse any bloke for a month. If you fancy a bet yourself then for Elvis to still be alive is 1000-1. For the Queen to live to be 100 is a generous 17-1 and for Bono to be the next Pope is 1000-1 (he thinks he already is!) Or maybe you like the 12-1 for England to win the 2014 World Cup. Are you taking the piss? I'd rather stake my left bollock on Elvis to marry the Queen and Bono to do the honours!!

Can you smell burning?

Originally I posted this on another blog in regards a weekly chalenge which this week was Game of Thrones. If you saw the series on Sky you'll know what this is about. If you haven't, then I've just blown the ending so you might not want to bother! Anyway, Daenerys Targaryen chucks herself on the funeral pyre of her dead husband and you'd think will also die, but... Game of Thrones is set in one of those fantasy worlds of literature like Middle Earth, Narnai, Pern, Nehwon, Milton Keyenes... A lot of people need to escape to a fantasy world but I myself am happy in our reality. Must go now as it's getting late and I have to return a book to the Great Library of Sirenius. After dark my route which takes me through the Forest of Rarnock is bound to see me come face to face with the fierce 2 headed Bronarks. Still, the view of the giant grain ships of Naboombu docked in the harbour of Sirana is worth it!

Should we change ends?

Played over 2 days near the village of Ashbourne (Shrove Tuesday & Ash Wednesday) there is a game of football that resembles a mass brawl. Up to 3,000 people enjoy a game that has been contested for over 1,000 years. The game starts at 2pm and ends at 10 pm. (I've watched England play so I'm familiar with what 8 hours feels like!) On Christmas day 1914 troops put down their guns and a football game broke out! I believe WE went for an attacking 42,000 - 26,000 - 49,000 but despite the Royal Air Corp strafing the German goal, the Bosch held on to win... on penalties! We tried a rematch in the 2nd World War but the Yanks kept getting in the way shouting, "Blue 42, red 7 right. Hut, hut, hut!!"

How the Devil are you?

Like many other people I'm fascinated in a strange way with this, 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon thing. So, to go from the Prince of Darkness himself via : Aleister Crowley, well known disciple of Satan and all things demonic to : Led Zeppelin's Jimmy Page who bought Crowley's mansion, Boleskine House on the shores of Loch Ness to : Sandy Denny who sang on Zeppelin's Battle of Evermore and formerly with The Strawbs : as was Rick Wakeman (he of Yes) One of his many solo albums was, Journey to the Center of the Earth : Earth being the original name of Black Sabbath : whose singer was Ozzy Osbourne and on his debut solo album sang... Mr Crowley. What? it's supposed to end on Kevin Bacon? Er, his postman calls him Mr Bacon!!

Grand Prix d'umberella

And so last Sunday's rain effected Canadian Grand Prix was the longest ever. I'm not a big F1 fan so any race seems like it goes on for ever. 70 times they went round that track, like my Uncle Raynard driving to the shops and refusing to ask for directions. To me it's like a manly version of the school run, same route over and over again and you can replace the pit stop with a quick dash into Morrisons to get some cakes for the Jeremy Kyle show. The fastest ever lap on this track was 1:13.622 by Rubens Barrichello. Matched, after a fashion, by Vicky Turnblue who once got Chelsea Turnblue to St Miyaichi's School for Bastard Children in 2:45.651.

You're Jester not funny anymore

Jesters are alive and well. Among the notable members of the Guild of Jesters (yes there's a Guild!) is Peterkins the Fool, an "Olympian stilt-walker". (must have missed that event in Bejing!) Tarot was the inaugural Jester of the Year in 1996. (I know!) Dee the Famous Jester can "usually be found up in Cumbria." Thanks for the heads up - note to self, avoid Cumbria... for ever! Mostly I like Jonathan the Jester, appointed by the Mayor as the official Jester of Salisbury. He's duties include cheering up people, performing silly tricks or stilt-walking. Is that all it takes to cheer up Salisbury? Set yourself a challenge, man. Visit St. Bernards home for the criminally depressed or where I work! 20 minutes, tops! You'll want to kill yourself.

Zippy he did do-da!

The world of puppets was in mourning on Wednesday as news came that Roy Skelton, the voice of Zippy, had died aged 79. Puppets the length and breadth of Britain held a minutes silence... Okay, the blokes that do the voices shut up for a minute. The puppet industry has, like any other area of entertainment, had to come to terms with the loss of the voices behind the felt and latex. Anthony Geiss provided the voice of Big Bird... killed when Big Worm took his revenge : Frank Oz the voice of Yoda... killed when using a bit too much force on the toilet after a particularly strong Chicken Madras : And of course, Jim Henson, who WAS Kermit... died of a very severe case of frog in the throat. All of which leaves just one question. ORVILLE. Will you just f**k off and die!!!

To hell and Barack again

He came, he saw, he buggered off to France. While Barack Obama was on this side of the pond he served Guinness to all the other O'Bamas in his home town in Ireland. Then he got behind the Prime Ministerial B.B.Q with David Cameron to serve burgers to our troops with a cheery, "You go kill those Taliban bastards, soldier!"Then it was off to school for a foresome with 2 young boys...my mistake. That was the Pope's visit! During the subsequent heavy defeat, our two illustrious leaders high-fived after a winning (the only winning) shot. Obama can carry it off, Cameron... can't. Bit of an awkward moment really : a bit like your mum being a "friend" on Facebook or kissing your nan and leading with your tongue because you mistook her in the light for your girlfriend! What? We've all been there!