X is for : Xmas

Fun and freaky fact : In the Xmas carol, The Twelve Days Of Christmas, the total number of presents given by the person's true love was 364. Some of them would be worth keeping, partridges for example. Hens, geese also. The milk maids might get a bit bored when not milking cows so, nudge, nudge. Say no more. Know what I mean? Pipers and drummers would piss me off and the novelty of lords a leaping would wear off after a while! Ladies lap dancing would be okay, obviously. So there might be a few things I'd take back and ask for a refund on. Probably be a smaller queue than that one with the 30,000 French women and their big plastic tits. Do they even recycle breast implants? Maybe they'll create a brand new landfill south of Paris. It'd be the worlds biggest trampoline! I can see it now, Euro Tits-ney!
Oh, and merry F**king Christmas, arse-wipes!

W is for : Weather

Fun and freaky fact : Lots of strange things fall from the sky when it rains, more commonly, different types of fish but in 1990 a Japanese fishing boat was sunk by a falling cow. The crew were arrested for insurance fraud (love to have seen that form) claiming that several cows fell from the sky one of which sunk the boat but this was later confirmed by the crew of a Russian plane who jettisoned the herd as they thought they were going to crash!! Right, I need to contact these Russians as soon as possible. I've got a list of people and Jedward are right at the top followed by everyone connected with X factor. (I know Jedward are connected with X factor but I really want to make sure I don't miss them off the list!)

V is for : Ventriloquist

Fun and freaky fact : The hardest word for a ventriloquist to say is bread. Anything starting with pr is also difficult to get your gums round (oh, er missus!) Legendary ventriloquist Albert "farney" Farnsworth famously died on stage in a well publicised incident in the 1920's. Farney attempted the never before seen trick of drinking a glass of dandelion & burdock while listing the players who had scored for Preston north end in a practice game against the Premium Bonds XI at the Presbyterian church ground in Prestatyn. Players such as Pruitt,  Pringle, Prestwood, Price, Przyswitt, Proudlock, Prior, Pratt, Priesner, Presley, Prewitt and the captain, Thaddeus B. Beaglehole III. The tradgedy was that if only his dummy, Fisting the Missus, was proficient in first aid his life could have been saved. Let's raise a glass to old Farney.

U is for : Undead

Fun and freaky fact : Vampires can't enter a home if you leave a dead cat outside the door. You see, a vampire would be compelled to count every hair but the sun would always rise before it finished, forcing it to flee. Don't make the same mistake I made and leave a dead Sphynx cat outside the door... that hairless breed! Such a pain in the neck!

T is for : Tyrant

Fun and freaky fact : Jeez! Where do you start. Here's 5 of 'em. Kim Jong Il spread the myth that he could control the weather depending on his moods : Kim Jong Il told his people that he was a worldwide fashion icon. He claimed that his French designed suits were an unprecedented global fashion phenomenon : Kim Jong Il  ordered that a city be built on the border just for South Korea to look at and to make them think life was better in North Korea. No one lives there and the lights are on timers! : Having banned all western influences, Kim Jong Il has "created" new non-western food such as a sandwich called, "double bread with meat" and subsequently built a hamburger factory to make them! : Kim Jong Il has never taken a shit : Okay, that's five but there's more. Prior to the 1983 World Festival Of Youth & Students all disabled and short people were removed from the capital, Pyongyang! AND... Kim Jong Il, on his first ever game of golf, hit a score of 38 under par including 11 hole in ones. This round of golf was confirmed by his seventeen bodyguards!!

S is for : Santa Claus

Fun and freaky fact : There is no Santa, it's your dad that dresses up. Although to be honest, he doesn't even bother to dress up. He waits till there's an advert during the darts on Sky Sports and sticks your presents under the tree and then shags your mum. "I Saw Mummy Kissing Santa Claus!" You're lucky, kid. If you'd carried on watching it would have scarred you for life. Oh, and that mince pie? Yeah, you guessed it. Fat so and so eats that as well. My favourite Santa outfit? Vera Ellen in White Christmas! Didn't expect that did you?

R is for : Racehorse

Fun and freaky fact : Every single race horse can trace it's lineage back to just three stallions - Byerly Turk, Darley Arabian and Godolphin Arabian. Seventeen kids in Dundee and trace their lineage back to just one feckless, benefit scrounging parasite called Jamie Cummings.The kids share fourteen mothers all claiming every benefit under the sun (by, sun, I mean, government) If Jamie was a race horse he'd be called Feckless Twat. He'd be running in selling platers at Catterick hopefully being gelded after a string of disappointing finishes. Possibly even breaking his leg in his last race and being shot!!

Q is for : Quarterback

Fun and freaky fact : Tennessee Titans' quarterback Matt Hasselbeck has been struck by lightning on two separate occasions, obviously not during a game. American football games are played in ALL weathers, never being called off... except for lightning storms. Shame, as it would have been great to see a quarterback's skeleton like an x-ray, just as you see in a Tex Avery cartoon!!

P is for : Pilot

Fun and freaky fact : Iron Maiden like any other rock band travel to gigs by plane but Maiden also take around 12 tons of touring equipment with them in their own plane, Ed Force One. When he isn't singing with the band, it's Bruce Dickinson who flies the Boeing 757. Bruce is also a commercial airline pilot. My favourite plane related rock story is courtesy of Motorhead's Lemmy. Back on the Bomber tour their lighting rig was in the shape of a WWII bomber. They were playing a gig in Dresden and Lemmy pointed up to the bomber/lighting rig and turning to the crowd said, " Bet you haven't seen one of these for a while!"

O is for : Operation

Fun and freaky fact : An average of two operations a week result in surgical instruments being left inside the patient after being sewn up! Things like forceps and scissors... not usually a major internal organ. The only way I can see to stop this is to attach a little chain to each instument like those that banks attach to their pens! If things are going to be left inside, they should make them useful : sellotape dispenser or for me, a pencil sharpner!

N is for : Nut cases

Fun and freaky fact : One of the most notorious insane asylums was London's Bethlam Royal Hospital. In the 18th century the public could pay a penny for the "privilege" of watching the "freaks", even being allowed to poke the patients with a stick. These days we get to watch X Factor and vote for the inbred, backward, fame seeking parasites, but remember to ask the bill payers permission. Network charges may vary. But seriously, why waste a single penny on these people. If one of them was on fire and I was dying for a piss I'd rather wet myself.

M is for : Mermaid

Fun and freaky fact : There is a rare medical condition called Sirenomelia (also known as mermaid syndrome)  where a child is born with his or her legs fused together. Side effects are usually the sudden unexplained appearance of a lobster doing Harry Belafonte impressions.

L is for : Les Paul guitars

...and Les paul himself. Fun and freaky fact : Guitarist Les Paul, having been involved in a car accident in 1948, asked doctors to set his arm permanently in a guitar playing position. Danny Dyer has asked doctors to set his arm in a begging for more TV work position... he hadn't been involved in any accident as far as I know!!

K is for : Knights

Fun and freaky fact : As much as the crew might like to have done, the Monty Python team didn't cut off John Cleese's legs when filming the Black Knight scene in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Instead they used a local one legged actor to stand in for the scene where his leg is cut off. Terry Gilliam also revealed that this actor had a second time saving benefit... when they dug a hole for the actor to stand in to show the Black Knight with no legs, they only had to dig a hole half as wide - just big enough for one leg!

J is for : Jester

Fun and freaky fact : There isn't one. I searched the internet for ages but found not a single fact remotely interesting. No jester was ever born with an arse for a head, no jester was born a woman and passed herself off as a man for twenty years. Nothing! Ziltch! Yet if I'd put a search into Google for, blonde nineteen russian girl whipped cream donkey dwarf  illegal milf insert jellied eels, I would have had page after page of results. (and a tired arm) So, what's tomorrow, K? Fat chance!

I is for : Indian

Fun and freaky fact : Crisps were "invented" by an American Indian called George Crum. (not your typical Indian name - Biscuit Crum would have been better) In 1883 a diner at the Moonlake restaurant, where crum worked, sent back his order of fried potatoes saying they were undercooked and too thick. Crum made them thinner and overcooked them - CRISPS!

H is for : Hospital

Fun and freaky fact : Doctors delivered Sanju Bhagat's twin - nothing unusual there except that Sanju is a man and his twin growing inside of him. The twin didn't survive and Sanju was 36 at the time! He would have gone to the hospital earlier but he was making a lot of savings on various group bookings!

G is for : Goats

Fun and freaky fact : Scientists have crossed a goat with a spider. In addition to giving milk the goat produces silk! I never found out if the spider produces milk but it's nipples would be 'ittle tiny nipples. Do these people get to work and ask, "Hey Boss. Are we gonna cure cancer today or what?". "Nah, Fuck it! Lets graft a monkey's head onto my arse!"

F is for : Fairy tales

Fun and freaky fact : Han Christian Anderson, who wrote The Princess And The Pea, died in 1875, never fully recovering from an injury sustained three years ealier... when he fell out of his bed.

E is for : Elephant

Fun and freaky fact : During World War II the very first bomb dropped on Berlin by the allies killed the only elephant at Berlin zoo. Also... elephants are capable of learning up to 60 commands. "Get out the way, Dumbo" obviously isn't one of them!

D is for : Duck

(in case you don't get the little joke, a quack is another name for a doctor - "MD" on the bag.) I do get some foreign visitors to the blog, you know. It can help sometimes... and my daughter checks it out as well and she needs all the help I can give!! She's been a fan of Mary Poppins for a dozen or so years, watched it countless times but wasn't until Friday gone that she finally got the joke, "... man with a wooden leg called Smith - what was the other leg called?" All these years my daughter laughed because other people laughed!!
Fun and freaky fact : A duck's quack doesn't echo! Imagine being in a cave. "HELLO :  hello : hello      quack.

C is for : Cowboy

 Fun and freaky facts : Cowboys hardly had any contact with what you might call decent women. Many cowboys organized "stag dances" where some of them would dress up as women and dance with other cowboys. I'm not saying anything...  not a word...  nope. Nothing at all. But we've all know what ugly women look like after we've had a few drinks.

B is for : Bomb

 Fun and freaky fact : If you consistently fart for six years and nine months enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atom BOMB. So close! two more days to go but I ran out of brussels.

A is for : Art gallery

 Not sure why I'm going to attempt this but as it's sort of advent calender time of the year I'm gonna attempt one cartoon/sketch each day for each letter of the alphabet. I know there are 26 letters in the alphabet but I'm gonna throw in Boxing Day as a bonus... or drop X, 'cos that'll just be X-files anyway! And I'll throw in a fun and freaky fact (possibly half inched from Alice Coopers radio show) The largest art gallery in the world is in St Petersburg. You would have to walk 15 miles to see all 322 rooms containing in total around 3 million works of art! And after al that you still wouldn't have found the painting of dogs playing poker, perhaps the greatest work of art of all time. Look at the 'ittle dogies. Aren't they cute?