Merry flippin' Christmas

Bah! Humbug to the lot of you. Sod off and die, you arse-wipes... Gee! Must be getting soft in me old age!!!

X factor for martyrs

It's that that time of year when we finally get rid of this damn show. I used to watch it I admit but the last few years has seen it become one of the most watched/hated shows on TV. (and shit) The thing that's really wound me up this year is the "wild card" gimmick. I watch sports. I know what a wild card is. In American football best placed runners up play each other to progress. But this version saw the judges pick 3 people from each group THEN come up with the wild card idea and, ooooh, wow, they get to pick another contestant they had previously turned down. WHY NOT PICK FOUR CONTESTANTS TO START WITH?? It's like saying, you can chose between a mars bar, a snickers or a flake. "I'll have the flake, thanks". And as a wild card you can choose another one. Special, eh? "No! why didn't you say I could chose 2 chocolate bars to start with?" Because then it wouldn't have been a wild card!! See what I mean? Pointless and calculated.

Shirley, you can't be serious!

Another sad day as yet another comedy hero of mine has passed away. Leslie Nielson had a brilliant deadpan delivery which without fail had me doubled up... trust me I'm a doctor! Okay, so the writers are to be acknowledged but what a great funny man. Rather worryingly, this is yet another joke I came up with while sitting on the toilet... but I think he'd have appreciated that!!

Let's talk turkey

So the vegetarian's Anti-christ has finally, as they say, bought the farm. Bit of an irony though that Bernard Matthews died on Thanksgiving Day!!!! It's a bit like Jordan dying on the day the NHS give out free boob jobs. U2 actually owe a debt to him. Apparently the band were shopping in Asda one day and the Norfolk turkey roast they'd all agreed on wasn't scanned properly so Bono didn't have to pay for it. When the band were tucking into dinner that night he commented that it really was a, "Bootifull Day"... and a classic song was born. I forget what the song was called!

We only went and won!!

A bit of a rarity last weekend when three of my teams won. England spanked the Wallabies (if that's not a euphemism for you know what, it damn well should be) Sunderland humbled the mighty Chelsea and the New York Jets won in the last seconds of overtime against the Cleveland Browns.
The party was, as expected, spoiled by England's midweek defeat to France. Our football team it would seem couldn't hit a barn door with a banjo (so the saying goes... obviously they don't like banjos... or barn doors!) Still, the sequence of a clean sweep for my teams is back on track if Harlequins can beat Leicester tonight and if the 6th Westcliff Girl Guides can turn the tables on Holloway Prison's category A inmates in the british bulldog semi-finals!!!

Kiss me, Kate

And so We'll have a royal wedding next year as reported... everywhere! Having seen the lovely Kate I feel certain that we'll see a new term enter common usage after she's married. Following on from, M.I.L.F (the original), T.I.L.F (learning is important) and G.I.L.F (you sickos) expect to see, P.I.L.F!!
It's not all good news for the pair of them. The Prince and Princess will have to live in north Wales after the wedding. I wouldn't send my dog to north Wales, it's a shit hole. Only joking, of course... I don't have a dog!

Snow way I'm staying in there!

On this day in history 1878 the 3rd Paris exhibition ended, having run from the 1st of May. It's at the Exposition Universelle that snow globes are thought to have been displayed for the first time to the public. My personal top three movie or T.V uses of snowglobes are:
no.3 - Sylar, him out of Heroes, and his shapeshifting into his mother after checking her globes out.
no.2 - The snow globe featured in Citizen Kane (nice bit of rolling, snow globe, mate. 1st take, as well, I believe)
and at no.1 - The snow globes featured in League Of Gentlemen's local shop for local people. Brilliantly bonkers!!

You don't scare me!

What is it with scarecrows? Every time I see a photo of a scarecrow on Photobucket or Flickr he's surrounded by crows. Either scarecrows don't work or crows can't pass up a photo opportunity. The other day I was in a local park at lunchtime feeding the crows (most people feed ducks, but that's for sissies.) I'm hard-core: I feed crows, me. It was all a bit Tim Burton-esque. Anyway this bunch were a bit partial to my cornish pasty... I say, bunch, but of course the correct term is a murder of crows. Quite possibly my favourite collective noun... along with, an anthology of prostitutes or a drunkenship of cobblers! Who makes these up? Probably a bollocks of collective noun compiliers!!

Flying's for the birds

Big news story today is the Quantas A380 having a bit of what you might call engine failure. Flight QF32's engine went sort of... Bang! and debris fell to the ground below. My favourite thing to fall off a plane has to be what they call, blue ice. This is basically a block of frozen piss which on a few occasions has crashed through someone's roof. Bad enough having half a ton of other people's piss land in your bedroom but imagine when it defrosts? It'd smell like an old folks home after the weekly, "drink your own weight in cider" night!!

Ashes to ashes

So, the England cricket team have landed in Australia to begin the defence of the Ashes. How many times are we going to hear the words, England batting collapse, between now and the end of the tour? My guess is eight!! Our chances of winning the series are about the same as Stevie Wonder getting his pilot's licence.

Squid no more

Although thought to be, in hindsight, way off the mark with his prediction about the future of talkies, H.M. Warner, co founder of Warner Brothers, asked in 1927, "Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" Well, whenever Danny Dyer's on the telly I hit the mute button. Mr Warner was obviously predicting the future of cable television.

Who'll start the bidding?

Although this piece is obviously about Jedward can I just begin by stating that I hate their fecking guts, the talentless arse-wipes!!! That's better! After been given some of their (hard earned??) cash to spend they splashed out around 20 grand on some memorabilia/junk on an internet auction including £3,000 on an old bed sheet belonging and signed by Michael Jackson. It's also signed by Macauley Culkin although the signature's a bit shaky on account of Michael ramming him up the cat-flap at the time!

When's lunch? I'm hungry

Probably the most popular sandwich franchise in the world is Subway. Available in 92 countries, but among the countries where you can't get your hands on a 6" (ooh, er, missus!!) are the Sandwich Islands! Discovered by Captain Cook in 1775 (but it was always there before he "found" it!) it was named Sandwich Land in honour of the 4th Earl of Sandwich. Later that afternoon Cook discovered another little island and called it Chip Butty Land after the 7th Duke of Chipbutty... but maybe he didn't. And, for the benefit of my student daughter... There's a recipe, dear, on the internet (where facebook is) 'cos I know how you struggle! Really!!! It's on studentrecipes.com

If anyone can, Heineken

As more of a rugby union fan than a football fan the start of the Heineken Cup is always something to look forward to with the likes of leicester, wasps and saracens up against the best in Europe. As a kid I remember watching the (then) 5 nations and during the national anthems the camera would pan across the England team and reveal our lads to be clean-cut, honest looking fellows. Then the camera would pan across the French team... full of the ugliest, meanest looking cut throats I'd ever seen except in any film on TV about the French revolution. They looked like the halftime break would be spent storming the bastille! And usually the camera would pan across the top of some short player's head, probably a fly-half, looking like a 2nd former playing in the seniors team by mistake. And then he'd proceed to lead the French team in yet another humiliating defeat for England. Le Bastards!

Delhi belly-up

I had to mention the Commonwealth Games at some stage and the swimming teams coming down with a bit of Delhi Belly made me smile. Still, the swimmers have followed through with their promise to squeeze one more performance out and Brit, Rebbecca Adlington was as good as her word and won the 400 m freestyle... followed by gold in the 100m shits.

Sesame street buns

Katie Perry appeared on Sesame Street recently and generated a huge number of complaints from parents... parents, mind you. Not the kids that the program is meant for!! You don't get pre-school kids phoning up ITV about the sex scenes in Footballer's Wives, do you? Seems a bit one sided to me. And it was Katie Perry. What did they expect? You wouldn't have booked Mother Teressa for a stag night and then complain she didn't get her kit off and gobble the groom! (although I have it on good authority that...)

You can bank on it

So, bank complaints are up to an all time high. It's not the banks faults, it's that us Brits love a good whinge. We're not happy unless we're complaining about something: it's too hot, it's too cold, it's too expensive, it's too much trouble... If there was an event for complaining in the Olympics, like a 100m whinge, we'd win easily. I know over half a dozen people who are the Usain Bolt of whining... no wait. That's just me each day of the week. Oh, the week! Don't get me started about the week. Smug little periods of time fitting into neat packages of 12 "months" to create a year. Oh, the year! Don't get me started...

Hill's have eyes

On this this day in history... Harry Hill was born in 1964. Actually born Matthew Keith Hall and before becoming a comedian trained as a brain surgeon!! Is still a registered doctor so if the world goes tits up after some global disaster his, "TV Burp" will have to be put on hold for a season or two while he takes up his position of doctor and treats the great unwashed!! I can't imagine anyone lying in some make-shift hospital with fire raging all around and the sound of earthquakes and explosions shaking the place being comforted by the sight of Doctor Hill staring at you saying, "What are the chances of that happening? And somewhere in this hospital is the knitted character. Can you see him? Yes, there he is. Tangled up in Mr Jeffries' lower intestine... in that bucket... next to his cold, lifeless corpse!!"

Sketchbook of terror

Another dip into the archives. Today a caricature of that monkey shagging, baby dangling, pasty faced, child fondling, squeaky voiced, crotch grabbing man that is... Michael Jackson. But let's not hold that against him...hold Macauley Culkin against him, now he'd have liked that. And the other "worked up" sketch is... a German!

Silence is golden

On this day in history... 1965, Harpo Marx died. As a kid I grew up with the Marx Brothers films and Harpo was always my favourite of the brothers, although as I got older I came to appreciate Groucho's humour equally. One of the first times I literally pissed myself (not counting bed wetting) was watching Harpo and Groucho in the mirror scene in Duck soup. Classic. And I loved the scenes where Harpo would desperately try to mime and whistle to get some important bit of information over to the others. A Night At The Opera stands out as my favourite with so many great scenes (top has to be the contract scene... "party of the first part") along with the scene of three of the brothers disguised as famous Russian aviators at a town hall reception. Each is expected to say a few words including Harpo!!!

Sketchbook of Doom

I don't actually keep sketchbooks, just piles of paper in no order whatsoever. I think I've got some sort of OCD or something 'cos I know that if I had such a thing It'd be fine if the first page had a couple of drawings I was happy with but as soon as I'd draw a sketch I didn't like I'd tear the page out because it would ruin the whole book. Then I'd burn the book so that there was no evidence of such an error ever existing!!! But I thought they'd be no harm in posting some random sketches, or in this case, a few things worked up a bit. That's a typical birthday for me in the 2nd sketch and the 1st picture was an idea for a cartoon that after a week or so was no longer topical. I never got round to drawing it properly. Basically, the whole world was furious with the cat chucker of Coventry, saying how cruel she was...even China!!! Jeez. She only dumped it in a bin. It's not like she shoved in into a saucepan of boiling water!!! While I think of it, the last time I had a chinese I found a bell in my chow mein!!

Six string lemon

On this day... in 1893 Blind Lemon Jefferson was born. Jefferson was known as the father of Texas blues (I don't know if he ever paid child maintenance though) Although thought to have been born blind, it's claimed that he actually earned a living as a wrestler (though you'd think more likely as a referee!!)

Not so well known is that he shares his birthday with another blind guitarist called, Blind Kumquat Koslowski. Although not black he grew up alongside the piss poor Negroes in the Chicago slums playing blues clubs whenever he could. Kumquat was never accepted by his peers who couldn't understand his strong Polish accent but did gain a loyal following with the deaf community. He later formed a pathetically unsuccessful duo with a deaf trombone player called, Billy "can you speak up a bit" Grimshaw. The sound was not unlike cats killing themselves!! Koslowski's guitar can still be seen to this day in the rock 'n' roll museum... in a disused janitor's toilet!

Pope on a rope

The UK festival season ends with the Pope playing a series of sell-out shows. Disappointed not to have played Glastonbury or Reading, Benedict will be doinga total of four gigs. Support act Susan Boyle has already stormed off the tour when Lou Reed refused to let her sing, "Perfect Day". Su-bo threw a strop and chucked peanuts at the Pope. Controversy preceded the tour as Cardinal Walter Kasper arrived at Heathrow and claimed the UK was like a "third world country". The cynical amongst us might say that it's because of all the immigrants FROM third world countries that could easily give that impression!!! Some people towards the back of the crowd at the first gig complained they couldn't hear the Pope and asked him to speak up... especially a certain Mr Big nose. There was also some trouble from a group of cheese makers and a young man called Brian who later went off to a stoning.

Best in show

Most people will have seen Lady Gaga at the MTV music awards looking like a butchers shop on legs! It's the sort of scene you'd see if staff in Dewhursts were bored one day and someone said, "let's cover Barry in bacon." The team from Jackass were there to present an award and you could imagine Johnny Knoxsville eyeing her up thinking, "Raw meat, mental rock star...Jackass the movie number 3."

Super-dooper Sunday

On this day... the american football season starts. Okay, it's not a datefrom history (like the day that cats were invented, or something!) and I know the season started last Thursday but this is the first Sunday. I started following the NFL in the '80s when channel 4 showed week old highlights and the game has gained popularity not only in the U.K but worldwide. There's talk of expanding the league into other countries. Imagine: the Peking Ducks... the Swiss Watches... the Mumbai Basmatis or the Baghdad Shi'ites... or maybe not. WHAT!! It's not like I'm burning a book or anything.

Roo'd awakening

One simple question. Is there any England footballer who CAN keep it in his pants? Then again, on the plus side Rooney ended his goal drought by scoring twice. Against Switzerland... and with some rough looking but surprisingly expensive prossie. So expect an England friendly in Thailand shortly before the Euro Championships.

Life's taxing enough

The first of 6 million tax error letters were sent out this week. The government say they need to recover £2 bn in taxes owed but repay £1.8 bn. Why don't they just call it quits!! It's only £0.2 bn. The shortfall could be made up if everyone in the country had a rumage down the back of their sofas. I found enough change in D.F.S. alone for a train ticket to London so I can go to the tax office and crap on the desk of the idiot who caused all this!

No balls...not unlike my cat

A lot has been written about and continues to be written about the alleged Pakistan match fixing. And with older Pakistan games coming under scrutiny the story's gonna drag on for ages... a bit like watching your average test match. (5 days of staring at grass growing!) In all fairness to cricket it was my favourite sport to play as a kid... as long as we played with a tennis ball. I was... brilliant, even if I say so myself. A bit of an all-rounder, like Ian Botham, only better. BUT when we played with an actual cricket ball I'd crap myself when the thing came near me. I'd nearly always be out first ball and I'd field (that is to say, move out of the way) like I was taking a backhander to throw the game. Aaah! As a kid I played like a professional!

Over to you, Fiona

BBC cameras recently caught TV weatherman Tomasz Schafernaker giving the finger to a shows host. If, like me, the words, "Some viewers may find the following scenes disturbing" produces an involuntary impulse to hit the record button, then you obviously prefer your live TV to go a bit tits up. While this episode wasn't really much, Tomasz does has the potential to go further and at the very least, take someone like Lorraine Kelly hostage while demanding some decent summer weather having recently invested in a new mankini.

Not suitable for minors...miners

All the papers have carried the story out of Chile of the 33 miners trapped over 2,000 feet underground... but any rescue wont be until after Christmas! Come on. I grew up watching Thunderbirds and all that's needed is Thunderbird 2 and that mole thingy. Weekend, tops. Job done!!. However, if Thunderbirds isn't real and is just a TV show, we've got, at last count, 40 or 50 gardening shows on TV. Send all that lot to Chile. They love a spot of digging (and that Tony Robinson bloke off Time Team) let them have a go!!
Then again, maybe it's just Chile's version of Big Brother and the eviction element hasn't been thought through properly!

Draw me!!

Some bloke at work, who I'll call Ben (not to hide his identity but because it's his name!) keeps asking me to draw him. I don't usually do requests, (unless it includes a donkey, handcuffs and a jar of French mustard) but as he is the originator of the title for this blog, then okay. For it is Ben who asks of me, "three fingers?" If there is anyone else at work who can equal the dizzy heights my boredom reaches it's him. I think that if either of us spotted a length of rope we'd fight over it!!
And one last word about his shirt/tie combinations. It's like Goodfellas at a gay pride parade!!

Haven't got a cluedo

On this day in 2008 Hambro decided a few (unnecessary?) changes were needed to jazz up their classic Cluedo game. As kids we'd all think that our toys came to life if we wern't there but if Cluedo came to life it would be a bloodbath!! Everyone shot, stabbed, strangled or bludgeoned to death and there'd be no police or detectives to stop the carnage. (no one has a toy detective, do they? "Daddy. Can I have a poseable Poirot for Christmas?") If the plot for Toy Story 4 involves a murder mystery weekend, you read it here first. I'm watching you, Mr Lasseter.

Suits you

Now that those pesky human rights do-gooders have made Manchester police ban those "degrading" boiler suits worn by suspects why stop there? How about an identity parade where the identities are kept secret. Maybe the old dear who's just been mugged for her pension can stand behind a screen, like in Blind Date, and ask, "If you were to mug an old lady what would you hit her on the back of the head with? That's for contestant number 4."
Typical response : "I'd much rather take you on a romantic boat trip on the Manchester canal entranced by the clicking sound of your false teeth as you suck on a Werthers original. The Evening would end with hours of unbridled animal passion."
old lady : "Wrap him up. I'll have him!"
Are you reading this E-Harmony?

Crying over spilt milk

Most newspapers carried the story today of supermarkets selling milk from cloned cows. From a comic book/super hero point of view this is just the sort of thing that might lead to the imergence of super villains. People who were mearly mild mannered traffic attendants or call centre staff by day drink this strange milk and develop some sort of evil alter-ego and then find they have a keen sense of smell or something... or maybe it'll just turn your piss green and your balls will shrivel up!!

I can negotiate, me

It's been a week or so since the Raoul Moat standoff (watch out for Living TV's, "What Raoul did next") Something that had me slapping my forehead and muttering, D'oh! was Gazza turning up with some lager and food, obviously getting mixed up with the barbecue he'd been invited to the next day. Perhaps I'm being a tad too hard him. Maybe, just maybe, this is the way to deal with tense situations. I'd like to see him flown out to deal with the middle east problem. He'd be there armed with a meat pie, a bag of nuts and a six-pack of brown ale ready for when anything kicks off. Obviously if he was dealing with a muslim Gazza would have to leave the brown ale on the back seat, but providing the meat pie was halal he'd be good to go!

World cup predictions

A big story at this World Cup has been about the predictive powers of a certain Paul the Octopus. Paul, who accurately predicted all of Germany's results, is not the only animal with a special talent in the prediction department. Edwardo the elephant (a toothless old Indian type) was given two team photos to choose from before each of England's games and chose to crap on the England photo each time. Although in hindsight this wasn't showing any actual predictive powers, just Edwardo's realisation, along with the rest of the country's...that England were shite!!

Football? That's for the birds.

England's World Cup game 2 highlights are now available on the comedy channel but the highlight was the bird that perched on the Algerian goal. (I believe it was a speckled pigeon : columbia guinea) Just shows how inept we are when a bird thinks the safest place in the stadium is on the opponents goal!! The only reason it even flew off was the thought of the change of ends for the second half and the likelihood of David James deflecting a back pass off his knee into the roof of the net.

Glove you to death

On this day in 1994 OJ Simpson (Homer's brother) led the LAPD on the most famous car chase in history. Honest, if the police had got out and walked they could have caught him!! Everyone thinks he was driving away from a murder scene but he was actually driving away from a failed, poorly executed art theft. He had very little petrol and was trying to conserve what little he had left by driving that slowly. As he explained later to officer Santana when the get-away vehicle was found with 3 valuable painting inside; OJ needed the MONET to buy DEGAS to make the VAN GOGH!!!

Bigger van cheeses

On this day in 1971 the South African Broadcasting Company lifted it's ban on playing Beatles records over the bigger than Jesus comment. This, in a country which at the time was in the middle of apartheid. It's not like John said that blacks were bigger than Jesus!! Other countries reacted differently; Bulgaria banned VW Beatles. New Zealand banned people listening to Beatles music while driving a VW Beatle. Bolivia banned people playing the game Beetle while listening to Beatles music while driving a VW Beatle and Mrs Cotgrove-Biggins of Abrosia Lane asked if anyone had seen her cat, Tiddles.

What's in a name?

The first Saturday in June is Derby day and 12 horses are in with a shout, each carrying the hopes of someone. They might use one of many tried and trusted methods of selection. More common for the once a year punters is to go by the name, like for example, anyone called Edward might pick Ted Spread... along with a few lap dancers no doubt. And any 17th century dutch painters still alive might be thinking it's fate that there is a horse running in the Derby with the same name. From the point of view of any owners, It IS possible to name a racehorse in any foreign language; French, for example. L'escargot won the National in between Red Rum's 3 victories. Someone once tried and almost got away with naming his horse French for BIG TITS!!! Damn Jockey Club spoil sports.
Since I somehow picked the winner of the National, my selection today is Jan Vermeer...'cos I'm a 17th century dutch painter!!

What's that smell?

Something in a newspaper this morning that made me laugh was about the ex Mr Jordan; Peter Andre. He was at a shopping center to launch a new fragrance to the multitude of girls eager to see him... except all that turned up was a line of 9 pathetic looking "D-list" celebrity spotters. It was even worse when it was realised that four of them thought it was the queue for the ladies! Always looking on the bright side however, Peter pointed out that the previous fragrance he'd been associated with was selling one bottle every 45 seconds!! That's two for the minute and a half it was on sale to the general public before Health & Safety took it off the shelves due to the fact it smelt of Peter's crotch-sweat, a pair of Jordan's knickers and a 2 week old pork pie!! This new odour, I forget the name [possibly, "Desperate" or something] passed inspection... the pork pie was only a week old!

Cher and Cher alike

Today is cher's birthday. (well, yesterday actually as it's a little after midnight now that I've finished the cartoon!) Most blokes will remember her for the video made for, "If I could turn back time". Such a well produced video, the editing was first class and the cinematography was equal to any hollywood movie...and yes, there was that outfit!! (Amazing what you can do with a net curtain and some gaffer tape) Something else about the video was that Cher's 12 year old son, Elijah Blue, is in it playing guitar. I bet he didn't expect to spend his weekend getting an eyeful of his mum's undercrackers while she prances about on a battleship cheered on by a bunch of horny seamen. Any average 12 year old kid being treated to a view of his mum fannying around like that would lose his lunch (and any self respect) Makes you wonder what his show and Tell on Monday morning was like!

Assorted news stories

I was reading through a newspaper today and a few stories were too good not to comment on. My favourite was about a 40st bloater who had to be rushed to hospital after nearly eating herself to death! She rang 999 after getting stuck on the toilet but best of all was that the fire brigade had to knock down half of the front of the house to get her out. Joanna Ettienne (that's not her real name...okay it is!) blames her size on her carers... blimey, how many did she eat a day?

West Midlands Ambulance service wasted £10,000 on a survey asking staff to rate people on how cool they are!! People such as Richard Branson, Fabio Capello...and Hitler!! I'll tell you how cool he was, and it won't cost a penny. On a scale of 1-5 he was an effing looney tune!

The Labour party have to chose a new leader. Among those considered are Ed Balls - Please, we can't have someone known to the world as Prime Minister Balls, we'd be even more of a laughing stock. Also mentioned was Alistair Darling. This just makes me think of Blackadder goes forth and the brilliant General Melchett. Can you imagine Barack Obama phoning him up and saying, "Hello, Darling. Who shall we invade this time?" The dead caterpillars above his eyes don't help either. It's like the political equivalent of the Cheshire cat, just replace a smile with those ridiculous eye brows!

Any old iron, man?

As a big AC/DC fan I think it's great that Iron Man 2 has released the soundtrack album made up of the band's greatest hits. Also brilliant is that it's the number 1 album around the world. One AC/DC song, "You Shook Me All Night Long" (from the 2nd biggest selling album of all time, "Back In Black" - you all know which album is the number 1!) was covered by Celion Dion. (yeah, I know!) a version which has the honour of being voted the worst cover version of all time, so bad you'd wish that she'd sunk with the Titanic instead of Jack & Sarah. (to be honest, I would anyway) It's even so bad that it is frequently played to suspected terrorists at Guantanamo Bay by the Americans and produces a 100% confession rate. (usually before the guitar solo) If anyone else knows a worse cover version you're a liar!!

What Katie did next

For anyone who lives outside the U.K. Jordan a.k.a Katie Price a.k.a Katie Reid - that's a mouthful (as she'll sometimes exclaim!) is a model who is known mostly for getting her jugs out for any justifiable reason. She is more known recently for a TV show called, "What Katie did next", where she mostly gets her jugs out for any justifiable reason while being followed by a film crew. She is one of those people who is forever in the papers mostly saying she now longer gets her jugs out for any justifiable reason... whilst getting her jugs out for any justifiable reason. She's not the sharpest tool in the box but she does know how to make money...mostly getting her jugs out for any justifiable reason! She recently married Alex Reid, a cage fighter and not the sort of bloke who's pint you'd want to spill. So having said that I'll end by saying that Jordan is a very successful business woman, a loving mother and likes horses (which is nice) and if she ran for election would certainly get my vote.

Holy catrimony

Now, I'm not making this up but a man in Germany has married his dying, asthmatic cat, cecila. Apparently it's illegal to marry an animal in Germany. I'm struggling to think of a country where it isn't. (I'm not counting Wales) Uwe Mitzscherlich had to pay 300 euros to an actress in order for her to officiate. "We cuddle all the time...", said Herr Mitzscherlich later. Well, I fancy a chocolate hob-nob from time to time but I wouldn't want to hump one. Mind you, I have recently taken a shine to a bagel in Tescos. At least as far as sexual relations go I can actually see it working between us!

Hello? Is this thing on?

Earlier this week all the newspapers carried the story of the Prime Minister, Gordon "I'm sorry but did anyone actually vote for you?" Brown referring to a bigoted old woman as...well, a bigoted old woman. Apparently the one eyed, old fool didn't realise his microphone was still on. Proving not only does he not have any depth of perception but no perception of how to treat a perspective voter. What with him and the Duke of Edinburgh opening his mouth and inserting foot at any given opportunity it's never anything less than entertaining. (and a rich vein of cartoon material) I just hope neither of them die any time soon. Not for cartoon reasons, but for...yeah! for cartoon reasons!

A load of old boots

Today is birthday of the Duke of Wellington, or as he likes to be called - Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington. Famous for giving those Frenchies a big old butt whupping at Waterloo and of course wellington boots take their name from him. Not so well known is that his close friend (had he actually known him) the 4th Earl of Sandwich, John Montagu, gave his name to that staple of the English picnic - the curled up sarnie. Although the less said about General Cuthbert P. Hemorrhoids the better!!!!

Get what you're paid for

It's that time of the year when pay slips reveal how much of a pay rise you've been given and equally, how much your boss loves you (or if they even know you). Well, I had hoped it would be more (it certainly couldn't be less!!) ... and now you get to chose the punchline. Is it - a: Any less and I'd have had to give them money. b: I've left bigger tips in restaurants. Or c: Well, if I did any work and stopped moaning for a minute they might think about paying me more.

Now, before you answer, remember I know where you live. Still I can always take comfort in the fact that over the years I've probably pinched the equivalent of my pay rise in paper clips!!!