Monday, 29 November 2010

Shirley, you can't be serious!

Another sad day as yet another comedy hero of mine has passed away. Leslie Nielson had a brilliant deadpan delivery which without fail had me doubled up... trust me I'm a doctor! Okay, so the writers are to be acknowledged but what a great funny man. Rather worryingly, this is yet another joke I came up with while sitting on the toilet... but I think he'd have appreciated that!!

Sunday, 28 November 2010

Let's talk turkey

So the vegetarian's Anti-christ has finally, as they say, bought the farm. Bit of an irony though that Bernard Matthews died on Thanksgiving Day!!!! It's a bit like Jordan dying on the day the NHS give out free boob jobs. U2 actually owe a debt to him. Apparently the band were shopping in Asda one day and the Norfolk turkey roast they'd all agreed on wasn't scanned properly so Bono didn't have to pay for it. When the band were tucking into dinner that night he commented that it really was a, "Bootifull Day"... and a classic song was born. I forget what the song was called!

Friday, 19 November 2010

We only went and won!!

A bit of a rarity last weekend when three of my teams won. England spanked the Wallabies (if that's not a euphemism for you know what, it damn well should be) Sunderland humbled the mighty Chelsea and the New York Jets won in the last seconds of overtime against the Cleveland Browns.
The party was, as expected, spoiled by England's midweek defeat to France. Our football team it would seem couldn't hit a barn door with a banjo (so the saying goes... obviously they don't like banjos... or barn doors!) Still, the sequence of a clean sweep for my teams is back on track if Harlequins can beat Leicester tonight and if the 6th Westcliff Girl Guides can turn the tables on Holloway Prison's category A inmates in the british bulldog semi-finals!!!

Thursday, 18 November 2010

Kiss me, Kate

And so We'll have a royal wedding next year as reported... everywhere! Having seen the lovely Kate I feel certain that we'll see a new term enter common usage after she's married. Following on from, M.I.L.F (the original), T.I.L.F (learning is important) and G.I.L.F (you sickos) expect to see, P.I.L.F!!
It's not all good news for the pair of them. The Prince and Princess will have to live in north Wales after the wedding. I wouldn't send my dog to north Wales, it's a shit hole. Only joking, of course... I don't have a dog!

Wednesday, 10 November 2010

Snow way I'm staying in there!

On this day in history 1878 the 3rd Paris exhibition ended, having run from the 1st of May. It's at the Exposition Universelle that snow globes are thought to have been displayed for the first time to the public. My personal top three movie or T.V uses of snowglobes are:
no.3 - Sylar, him out of Heroes, and his shapeshifting into his mother after checking her globes out.
no.2 - The snow globe featured in Citizen Kane (nice bit of rolling, snow globe, mate. 1st take, as well, I believe)
and at no.1 - The snow globes featured in League Of Gentlemen's local shop for local people. Brilliantly bonkers!!

You don't scare me!

What is it with scarecrows? Every time I see a photo of a scarecrow on Photobucket or Flickr he's surrounded by crows. Either scarecrows don't work or crows can't pass up a photo opportunity. The other day I was in a local park at lunchtime feeding the crows (most people feed ducks, but that's for sissies.) I'm hard-core: I feed crows, me. It was all a bit Tim Burton-esque. Anyway this bunch were a bit partial to my cornish pasty... I say, bunch, but of course the correct term is a murder of crows. Quite possibly my favourite collective noun... along with, an anthology of prostitutes or a drunkenship of cobblers! Who makes these up? Probably a bollocks of collective noun compiliers!!

Thursday, 4 November 2010

Flying's for the birds

Big news story today is the Quantas A380 having a bit of what you might call engine failure. Flight QF32's engine went sort of... Bang! and debris fell to the ground below. My favourite thing to fall off a plane has to be what they call, blue ice. This is basically a block of frozen piss which on a few occasions has crashed through someone's roof. Bad enough having half a ton of other people's piss land in your bedroom but imagine when it defrosts? It'd smell like an old folks home after the weekly, "drink your own weight in cider" night!!