Thursday, 27 May 2010

What's that smell?

Something in a newspaper this morning that made me laugh was about the ex Mr Jordan; Peter Andre. He was at a shopping center to launch a new fragrance to the multitude of girls eager to see him... except all that turned up was a line of 9 pathetic looking "D-list" celebrity spotters. It was even worse when it was realised that four of them thought it was the queue for the ladies! Always looking on the bright side however, Peter pointed out that the previous fragrance he'd been associated with was selling one bottle every 45 seconds!! That's two for the minute and a half it was on sale to the general public before Health & Safety took it off the shelves due to the fact it smelt of Peter's crotch-sweat, a pair of Jordan's knickers and a 2 week old pork pie!! This new odour, I forget the name [possibly, "Desperate" or something] passed inspection... the pork pie was only a week old!

Thursday, 20 May 2010

Cher and Cher alike

Today is cher's birthday. (well, yesterday actually as it's a little after midnight now that I've finished the cartoon!) Most blokes will remember her for the video made for, "If I could turn back time". Such a well produced video, the editing was first class and the cinematography was equal to any hollywood movie...and yes, there was that outfit!! (Amazing what you can do with a net curtain and some gaffer tape) Something else about the video was that Cher's 12 year old son, Elijah Blue, is in it playing guitar. I bet he didn't expect to spend his weekend getting an eyeful of his mum's undercrackers while she prances about on a battleship cheered on by a bunch of horny seamen. Any average 12 year old kid being treated to a view of his mum fannying around like that would lose his lunch (and any self respect) Makes you wonder what his show and Tell on Monday morning was like!

Wednesday, 12 May 2010

Assorted news stories

I was reading through a newspaper today and a few stories were too good not to comment on. My favourite was about a 40st bloater who had to be rushed to hospital after nearly eating herself to death! She rang 999 after getting stuck on the toilet but best of all was that the fire brigade had to knock down half of the front of the house to get her out. Joanna Ettienne (that's not her real name...okay it is!) blames her size on her carers... blimey, how many did she eat a day?
West Midlands Ambulance service wasted £10,000 on a survey asking staff to rate people on how cool they are!! People such as Richard Branson, Fabio Capello...and Hitler!! I'll tell you how cool he was, and it won't cost a penny. On a scale of 1-5 he was an effing looney tune!
The Labour party have to chose a new leader. Among those considered are Ed Balls - Please, we can't have someone known to the world as Prime Minister Balls, we'd be even more of a laughing stock. Also mentioned was Alistair Darling. This just makes me think of Blackadder goes forth and the brilliant General Melchett. Can you imagine Barack Obama phoning him up and saying, "Hello, Darling. Who shall we invade this time?" The dead caterpillars above his eyes don't help either. It's like the political equivalent of the Cheshire cat, just replace a smile with those ridiculous eye brows!

Sunday, 9 May 2010

Any old iron, man?

As a big AC/DC fan I think it's great that Iron Man 2 has released the soundtrack album made up of the band's greatest hits. Also brilliant is that it's the number 1 album around the world. One AC/DC song, "You Shook Me All Night Long" (from the 2nd biggest selling album of all time, "Back In Black" - you all know which album is the number 1!) was covered by Celion Dion. (yeah, I know!) a version which has the honour of being voted the worst cover version of all time, so bad you'd wish that she'd sunk with the Titanic instead of Jack & Sarah. (to be honest, I would anyway) It's even so bad that it is frequently played to suspected terrorists at Guantanamo Bay by the Americans and produces a 100% confession rate. (usually before the guitar solo) If anyone else knows a worse cover version you're a liar!!

Thursday, 6 May 2010

What Katie did next

For anyone who lives outside the U.K. Jordan a.k.a Katie Price a.k.a Katie Reid - that's a mouthful (as she'll sometimes exclaim!) is a model who is known mostly for getting her jugs out for any justifiable reason. She is more known recently for a TV show called, "What Katie did next", where she mostly gets her jugs out for any justifiable reason while being followed by a film crew. She is one of those people who is forever in the papers mostly saying she now longer gets her jugs out for any justifiable reason... whilst getting her jugs out for any justifiable reason. She's not the sharpest tool in the box but she does know how to make money...mostly getting her jugs out for any justifiable reason! She recently married Alex Reid, a cage fighter and not the sort of bloke who's pint you'd want to spill. So having said that I'll end by saying that Jordan is a very successful business woman, a loving mother and likes horses (which is nice) and if she ran for election would certainly get my vote.

Monday, 3 May 2010

Holy catrimony

Now, I'm not making this up but a man in Germany has married his dying, asthmatic cat, cecila. Apparently it's illegal to marry an animal in Germany. I'm struggling to think of a country where it isn't. (I'm not counting Wales) Uwe Mitzscherlich had to pay 300 euros to an actress in order for her to officiate. "We cuddle all the time...", said Herr Mitzscherlich later. Well, I fancy a chocolate hob-nob from time to time but I wouldn't want to hump one. Mind you, I have recently taken a shine to a bagel in Tescos. At least as far as sexual relations go I can actually see it working between us!

Saturday, 1 May 2010

Hello? Is this thing on?

Earlier this week all the newspapers carried the story of the Prime Minister, Gordon "I'm sorry but did anyone actually vote for you?" Brown referring to a bigoted old woman as...well, a bigoted old woman. Apparently the one eyed, old fool didn't realise his microphone was still on. Proving not only does he not have any depth of perception but no perception of how to treat a perspective voter. What with him and the Duke of Edinburgh opening his mouth and inserting foot at any given opportunity it's never anything less than entertaining. (and a rich vein of cartoon material) I just hope neither of them die any time soon. Not for cartoon reasons, but for...yeah! for cartoon reasons!

A load of old boots

Today is birthday of the Duke of Wellington, or as he likes to be called - Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington. Famous for giving those Frenchies a big old butt whupping at Waterloo and of course wellington boots take their name from him. Not so well known is that his close friend (had he actually known him) the 4th Earl of Sandwich, John Montagu, gave his name to that staple of the English picnic - the curled up sarnie. Although the less said about General Cuthbert P. Hemorrhoids the better!!!!