Friday, 27 May 2011

Saints and sinners

Coincidence last weekend as the SAINTS lost... chucked away rugby's heineken cup and Manchester's red DEVILS won the premier league. Other interesting nicknames are Saint's football neighbours known as the cobblers. (no, it's true!) My team, Sunderland are the black cats ('cos it's unlucky to support the bloody team!) Everton are known as the toffees because 50 or so years ago a (mad?) woman used to throw toffees into the crowd... so maybe a woman used to throw black cats into the crowd at Roker Park! By the same token women have for decades lobbed bulls, badgers, hammers, owls, pensioners and... Stanley into the baying mobs. Best of all is Hartlepool, known as the monkey hangers. Legend has it that during the Napoleonic wars a French ship ran aground nearby and a monkey escaped. A reward was offered for the capture of any French spy. These fine (but thick as shit) people caught and hung the monkey thinking it was a Frenchman, no one in the town had ever seen a french person. (or a bath) The reward was £500 which is known today as... a monkey. Educational this interweb ain't it?

Thursday, 26 May 2011

Pardon my injunction

So that's one super injunction blown out of the water, the next one looks like it's going to be a well known actor caught schtumping the same hooker Wayne Rooney scored with. Then there was Gordon Ramsay's father in law who had a secret family (not quite in the same league as Josef Fritzl) this never even reached the, "guess who has a family hidden the kitchen" injunction stage. His wife never even knew about the other family in much the same way I suppose that Fritzl's wife didn't ever wonder why her husband spent so much time in the family basement... he didn't even HAVE a train set! These women must watch Superman and scratch their heads thinking, "You mean, he was Clark Kent all along?"

Wednesday, 25 May 2011

We're still here, people!

After my collection of Bin Laden cartoons were posted I was paid a visit by the Peoples popular Front of Talibanistan yesterday. They said everything would be forgiven if I said 5 hail Marys and drank a BLOODY mary. (or was it the other way round?) Something seemed a bit out of place and I wasn't altogether sure they were Muslims: one of them appeared to have a false beard and another took an overly keen interest in the cover of my vinyl copy of, "Saint Tarquin's Catholic boys choir sing christmas carols." Anyway, it's a double celebration because we're all still here. The world DIDN'T end on Saturday. Barking mad Harold Camping must be a might embarassed to still be around, especially since he'd canceled his Sky subscription and it's a bugger to get it set back up again! Talk about your Monday morning blues. But don't book that late Autumn weekend away just yet 'cos it's all going tits up 21st October. Mad as a bag of cats! Don't let us mock you, though. Carry on Camping!!

Saturday, 14 May 2011

This wont hurt a bit...yeah right!

Okay, this will be my last Bin Laden cartoon. These people are a bit touchy anyway and I don't fancy my image being burnt on the streets or Tehran! The flat next door's been empty for a bit but someone might be moving in soon and the last thing I want is some suicide bomber knocking on my door asking to borrow some sugar! KABOOM! You're always going to be wondering what a new neighbour will be like, I mean I don't want some old disabled bloke. It'll be knock, knock, "I can't open this jar" - "I've tied me laces too tight and I can't get me shoes off" - "Me balls itch!" I can really do without that.

You've been framed

The U.S recently released video of Bin Laden relaxing at home. (they avoided calling it, "At home with the Bin Ladens", a missed opportunity, I think.) The footage just seemed to show him sitting in front of a TV watching himself, vain little bastard... "I think when I called for the head of President Bush on a spike I should have lowered my head slightly." Apart from that he used to watch loads of 9/11 videos which could only mean his local Blockbuster either had a shit collection of films or mostly stocked rom-coms. It's also been revealed that Bin Laden was shot his underpants... contradicts early reports that he was shot in the head!! A U.S general had said the bullet went through his eye and out his ear... and so completely missed his brain!

Friday, 6 May 2011

Squatter's rights!

I know, yet another Bin Laden cartoon but there are literally dozens of cartoons I could draw. All that time spent invading Afghanistan and he turns up working at McDonald's in Abbottabad. The U.S has got hold of Bin Laden's hard drive. It was full of games : minesweeper, Bomb Jack, Bomberman... and a nudie picture of Ann whitcomb. (no wonder he was driven to terrorism!) There are a lot of people saying the U.S shouldn't have shot him as he was unarmed. Maybe, but they could have given him one of those fake guns that shoots out that flag that says, "BANG!" Some sceptics have asked for photos to be released, one of which IS on the internet. It's not disturbing. It looks like Joan Rivers after one of her plastic surgery operations!

Thursday, 5 May 2011

Sleeping with the fishes

Quite appropriate really, as this phrase I first heard in The Godfather means to murder someone brutally - executed. The Americans didn't want to bury the bugger in case the site became a shrine but what we'll have now is a situation in twenty years time where James Cameron, having filmed the wreck of the Titanic will want to search for the bones of Bin Laden... sounds like a line from that nursery rhyme, Oranges and Lemons : " you dug up my garden, for the bones of Bin Laden." I'd like to think that along with some of the merchandise already available such as t-shirts (you say, Usama. I say, Osama. Let's kill the whole thing off) we can add a little memento of the sheet wrapped twat as a toy for a fish tank. The toy could be filled with fish food and children could have hours of fun watching him being eaten every day.

Monday, 2 May 2011

Taxi for Osama!

So it turns out that the best way to find this arsehole was not to search every cave in Afghanistan but just ask someone in Pakistan. Apparently the real tip off was Osama working in his Uncle's brother's friend's corner shop. Someone went in to buy a loaf of bread and WASN'T over charged! That set all the alarm bells ringing. If only he did have one of those iPhones ,and YOU like him, could have been tracked to the nearest yard. If you're one of those people affected by Playstation giving out all your security details AND you use an iPhone that monitors where you go it looks like all you'll have left is the pastime of playing with yourselves... but is that web cam really OFF?

Got the b**tard!

I turned on the radio this morning JUST as the news came on and heard that ol' Osama had fallen off his perch and was pushing up the daisies... he's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible... he's a stiff... bereft of life... he is an ex-terrorist! I did see on TV the words conspiracy theory being aired but come on, it's him. Unlike when the moon landings were faked, (there's no one on the moon who's gonna say, " Neil Armstrong? Name doesn't ring a bell.") the USA or anyone else couldn't get away with it. Imagine after this being all over the news and two weeks later Osama appears on Britain's got talent juggling chickens. How can anyone say, "convenient that they got rid of the body so quick" Yeah and your point IS? He's hardly likely to be found working in KFC with Elvis, is he! (juggling chickens!)

The mad Princesses

Just worth mentioning that this is my 100th post and I'm taking the opportunity to draw something to commemorate the Royal wedding last Friday. I wasn't going to watch it but I took a peek and was hooked! Made me feel proud to be British. But as our Royal family is descended from Germans, I'm sure that Germans feel proud to be, er... German. What I noticed more than Will and Kate was these two: Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie looked like something out of a Tim Burton film, completely mental. Aside from those two the camera did pick up some of the other Royals and I have to say, to quote the radio add for that cathedral was, "a cookie tin of lookers! Even Camilla, if you like that sort of thing." Actually no, but I must be getting old because now even the Prime Minister's old lady looks fit!! Now, whens the next Royal wedding?