Wednesday, 30 November 2011

Who put the "ann" in tyranny?

Today I present a little drawing of a row of canal-side houses in Amsterdam (note the gentle reflction in the condom infested canal) Today I salute the worlds greatest exponent of Hide & Seek. Anne Frank hid from the nazis from July 1942 till August 1944, just over two years. In fairness to the nazis they did count up to 45,456,825 before looking for her, easily finding her behind a lamp standard. During her two years hiding Anne Frank kept a diary. A typical weeks entry read : Monday - hid. Tuesday - hid. Wednesday -hid. Thursday - played the drums... only kidding - hid. A much more lighthearted read is the diary of Mohammed Bin Collection, a detained suspected terrorist. Monday - "had electrodes attached to my testicles. 5,000 volts, lover-ly! Bring it on Yankee Boy". Tuesday - "watched Loose Women : Please. No more, I'll talk!!!"

Tuesday, 29 November 2011

Walk this way

  I can't really add too much to what the map says but Jack the Ripper walks aren't the only way to use up a bit of shoe leather. Other walks around London will take in various quirky attractions such as the worlds smallest police station - to be found at the south east corner of Trafalgar Square. Just big enough to hold two policeman it was used mainly to keep an eye on protesters but is no longer used by the police. Instead it's a broom cupboard for Westminster council cleaners. I could make a sarcastic comment but I'll leave that up to you. Answers on a postcard or on the back of a sealed down envelope. (I miss Swap Shop!) Maybe you'd like to see the only street in Britain where cars drive on the right! Savoy Court to be exact... no I'm not making this up! How about taking a look at the lions in Trafalgar square. (near the broom cupboard) They're incorrect. Seriously! Crouched as they are there backs should be convex but they are concave. Big Ben is leaning over, it's not straight! Finally you could look for a street with the unfortunate title of Gropecunt Lane!! You'd be disappointed as that name hasn't been used since 1561!! Still you can make do with Back Passage or Cumming Street!

Sunday, 27 November 2011

What's in a (place) name?

 I've often been asked, "Going anywhere for your holidays, sir. Shall I keep the gimp costume for next time?" In response to the first question I usually reply, STOPATOME. "Where's that?" they'll ask. REMAINIA I reply. Some people still don't get it! So for them (and possibly you) I've drawn a map of the area where the main hotel is situated. (!) Maybe I will try somewhere different next time, perhaps travelling around a bit. First stop might be Shitterton in Dorset. Then I'd catch a shrimp boat to Spain and travel to Poo in northern Spain and onto Moron de la Frontera before passing into Austria and Windpassing. I'd hitch a ride with the Austrian bob sleigh team down to Albania and visit Puke. A donkey ride would take me through the Czech Republic via Bendover and on into Germany where I would enjoy the pleasures that Petting has to offer before taking a look at Dong. Then it's home via a medieval travelling show but not before I've gone to Denmark and taken in Middlefart. Now that lot would make for a hell of a map!

Wednesday, 23 November 2011

Commercial Break : number one

Unfortunately I've had to take on some advertising to pay for my blog so apologies first...! A while ago now at some place where I used to work, I had the idea of Celebrity Death Sweep stake : pick a famous person who looks like there about to buy the farm and you have until the end of the year to collect. (I always went for Gregory Peck -  June 2003 - Result!) I'd listen to the news and a report might start, "Hollywood is in mourning today at the sad loss of..." then that sense of anticipation, the sweaty palms (Oi! stop thinking that!) the Adrenalin, and then... the crushing discovery that it was someone else like Tom Bosley! (the dad in Happy Days) Now when I say sweep stake, there was only one other person who had the same warped mind as me so there was never much money involved... now when I say, not much, I actually mean none. (being a phone jockey paid sod all) But if I was to wager a small amount (equivalent say to my monthly charity donation (sic!) then I'd wager £50 on Peter O'Toole and £25 E/W on Christopher Lee. 38 days left. C'mon my son! 
On a sort of, On This Day thing - in 2001 Mary Whitehouse died. Couldn't get away with saying fuck off when she was alive, could you?

Thursday, 17 November 2011

I'll Punch your lights out.

The traditional seaside show for kids of all ages... by that they mean, "There's nothing else to do around here so you might as well watch this." As far as a career in entertainment goes this is probably quite a bit down the scale. Like there's : "And the Oscar for best actor goes to..." And then you have, "That's the way to do it!" In football terms you have : "And Carles Puyol lifts the World Cup for Spain." And then you have, "Well we picked the fat kid so you're left with the spotty, four-eyed gimp what pissed himself in chemistry!" The kids at a Punch & Judy show often shout, "Behind you!" They mean your career, mate!

Friday, 4 November 2011

Bieber's baby blues

So it looks like Justin Bieber might turn out to be a daddy, if the tabloids are to believed. I have every faith in these esteemed organs... as did Mariah Yeater (that should be busty Mariah Yeater according to the Sun) who took a keen interest in young Master Bieber's organ. Always the romantic, Justin suggested they use the toilet. Who needs champagne, flowers or chocolates when the aroma of Toilet Duck seals the deal. 30 minutes later and... What was that? Say that again. It was 30 seconds? Let me just read the article again... "17 year old Justin... Selena Gomez... donkey... handcuffs..." Yes!! 30 seconds! What a stud muffin. Most people put the kettle on and make the tea during the adverts on the telly but his missus can look forward to tea AND a tug on his Jammy Dodgers.