X is for : Xmas

Fun and freaky fact : In the Xmas carol, The Twelve Days Of Christmas, the total number of presents given by the person's true love was 364. Some of them would be worth keeping, partridges for example. Hens, geese also. The milk maids might get a bit bored when not milking cows so, nudge, nudge. Say no more. Know what I mean? Pipers and drummers would piss me off and the novelty of lords a leaping would wear off after a while! Ladies lap dancing would be okay, obviously. So there might be a few things I'd take back and ask for a refund on. Probably be a smaller queue than that one with the 30,000 French women and their big plastic tits. Do they even recycle breast implants? Maybe they'll create a brand new landfill south of Paris. It'd be the worlds biggest trampoline! I can see it now, Euro Tits-ney!
Oh, and merry F**king Christmas, arse-wipes!

W is for : Weather

Fun and freaky fact : Lots of strange things fall from the sky when it rains, more commonly, different types of fish but in 1990 a Japanese fishing boat was sunk by a falling cow. The crew were arrested for insurance fraud (love to have seen that form) claiming that several cows fell from the sky one of which sunk the boat but this was later confirmed by the crew of a Russian plane who jettisoned the herd as they thought they were going to crash!! Right, I need to contact these Russians as soon as possible. I've got a list of people and Jedward are right at the top followed by everyone connected with X factor. (I know Jedward are connected with X factor but I really want to make sure I don't miss them off the list!)

V is for : Ventriloquist

Fun and freaky fact : The hardest word for a ventriloquist to say is bread. Anything starting with pr is also difficult to get your gums round (oh, er missus!) Legendary ventriloquist Albert "farney" Farnsworth famously died on stage in a well publicised incident in the 1920's. Farney attempted the never before seen trick of drinking a glass of dandelion & burdock while listing the players who had scored for Preston north end in a practice game against the Premium Bonds XI at the Presbyterian church ground in Prestatyn. Players such as Pruitt,  Pringle, Prestwood, Price, Przyswitt, Proudlock, Prior, Pratt, Priesner, Presley, Prewitt and the captain, Thaddeus B. Beaglehole III. The tradgedy was that if only his dummy, Fisting the Missus, was proficient in first aid his life could have been saved. Let's raise a glass to old Farney.

U is for : Undead

Fun and freaky fact : Vampires can't enter a home if you leave a dead cat outside the door. You see, a vampire would be compelled to count every hair but the sun would always rise before it finished, forcing it to flee. Don't make the same mistake I made and leave a dead Sphynx cat outside the door... that hairless breed! Such a pain in the neck!

T is for : Tyrant

Fun and freaky fact : Jeez! Where do you start. Here's 5 of 'em. Kim Jong Il spread the myth that he could control the weather depending on his moods : Kim Jong Il told his people that he was a worldwide fashion icon. He claimed that his French designed suits were an unprecedented global fashion phenomenon : Kim Jong Il  ordered that a city be built on the border just for South Korea to look at and to make them think life was better in North Korea. No one lives there and the lights are on timers! : Having banned all western influences, Kim Jong Il has "created" new non-western food such as a sandwich called, "double bread with meat" and subsequently built a hamburger factory to make them! : Kim Jong Il has never taken a shit : Okay, that's five but there's more. Prior to the 1983 World Festival Of Youth & Students all disabled and short people were removed from the capital, Pyongyang! AND... Kim Jong Il, on his first ever game of golf, hit a score of 38 under par including 11 hole in ones. This round of golf was confirmed by his seventeen bodyguards!!

S is for : Santa Claus

Fun and freaky fact : There is no Santa, it's your dad that dresses up. Although to be honest, he doesn't even bother to dress up. He waits till there's an advert during the darts on Sky Sports and sticks your presents under the tree and then shags your mum. "I Saw Mummy Kissing Santa Claus!" You're lucky, kid. If you'd carried on watching it would have scarred you for life. Oh, and that mince pie? Yeah, you guessed it. Fat so and so eats that as well. My favourite Santa outfit? Vera Ellen in White Christmas! Didn't expect that did you?

R is for : Racehorse

Fun and freaky fact : Every single race horse can trace it's lineage back to just three stallions - Byerly Turk, Darley Arabian and Godolphin Arabian. Seventeen kids in Dundee and trace their lineage back to just one feckless, benefit scrounging parasite called Jamie Cummings.The kids share fourteen mothers all claiming every benefit under the sun (by, sun, I mean, government) If Jamie was a race horse he'd be called Feckless Twat. He'd be running in selling platers at Catterick hopefully being gelded after a string of disappointing finishes. Possibly even breaking his leg in his last race and being shot!!

Q is for : Quarterback

Fun and freaky fact : Tennessee Titans' quarterback Matt Hasselbeck has been struck by lightning on two separate occasions, obviously not during a game. American football games are played in ALL weathers, never being called off... except for lightning storms. Shame, as it would have been great to see a quarterback's skeleton like an x-ray, just as you see in a Tex Avery cartoon!!

P is for : Pilot

Fun and freaky fact : Iron Maiden like any other rock band travel to gigs by plane but Maiden also take around 12 tons of touring equipment with them in their own plane, Ed Force One. When he isn't singing with the band, it's Bruce Dickinson who flies the Boeing 757. Bruce is also a commercial airline pilot. My favourite plane related rock story is courtesy of Motorhead's Lemmy. Back on the Bomber tour their lighting rig was in the shape of a WWII bomber. They were playing a gig in Dresden and Lemmy pointed up to the bomber/lighting rig and turning to the crowd said, " Bet you haven't seen one of these for a while!"

O is for : Operation

Fun and freaky fact : An average of two operations a week result in surgical instruments being left inside the patient after being sewn up! Things like forceps and scissors... not usually a major internal organ. The only way I can see to stop this is to attach a little chain to each instument like those that banks attach to their pens! If things are going to be left inside, they should make them useful : sellotape dispenser or for me, a pencil sharpner!

N is for : Nut cases

Fun and freaky fact : One of the most notorious insane asylums was London's Bethlam Royal Hospital. In the 18th century the public could pay a penny for the "privilege" of watching the "freaks", even being allowed to poke the patients with a stick. These days we get to watch X Factor and vote for the inbred, backward, fame seeking parasites, but remember to ask the bill payers permission. Network charges may vary. But seriously, why waste a single penny on these people. If one of them was on fire and I was dying for a piss I'd rather wet myself.

M is for : Mermaid

Fun and freaky fact : There is a rare medical condition called Sirenomelia (also known as mermaid syndrome)  where a child is born with his or her legs fused together. Side effects are usually the sudden unexplained appearance of a lobster doing Harry Belafonte impressions.

L is for : Les Paul guitars

...and Les paul himself. Fun and freaky fact : Guitarist Les Paul, having been involved in a car accident in 1948, asked doctors to set his arm permanently in a guitar playing position. Danny Dyer has asked doctors to set his arm in a begging for more TV work position... he hadn't been involved in any accident as far as I know!!

K is for : Knights

Fun and freaky fact : As much as the crew might like to have done, the Monty Python team didn't cut off John Cleese's legs when filming the Black Knight scene in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Instead they used a local one legged actor to stand in for the scene where his leg is cut off. Terry Gilliam also revealed that this actor had a second time saving benefit... when they dug a hole for the actor to stand in to show the Black Knight with no legs, they only had to dig a hole half as wide - just big enough for one leg!

J is for : Jester

Fun and freaky fact : There isn't one. I searched the internet for ages but found not a single fact remotely interesting. No jester was ever born with an arse for a head, no jester was born a woman and passed herself off as a man for twenty years. Nothing! Ziltch! Yet if I'd put a search into Google for, blonde nineteen russian girl whipped cream donkey dwarf  illegal milf insert jellied eels, I would have had page after page of results. (and a tired arm) So, what's tomorrow, K? Fat chance!

I is for : Indian

Fun and freaky fact : Crisps were "invented" by an American Indian called George Crum. (not your typical Indian name - Biscuit Crum would have been better) In 1883 a diner at the Moonlake restaurant, where crum worked, sent back his order of fried potatoes saying they were undercooked and too thick. Crum made them thinner and overcooked them - CRISPS!

H is for : Hospital

Fun and freaky fact : Doctors delivered Sanju Bhagat's twin - nothing unusual there except that Sanju is a man and his twin growing inside of him. The twin didn't survive and Sanju was 36 at the time! He would have gone to the hospital earlier but he was making a lot of savings on various group bookings!

G is for : Goats

Fun and freaky fact : Scientists have crossed a goat with a spider. In addition to giving milk the goat produces silk! I never found out if the spider produces milk but it's nipples would be 'ittle tiny nipples. Do these people get to work and ask, "Hey Boss. Are we gonna cure cancer today or what?". "Nah, Fuck it! Lets graft a monkey's head onto my arse!"

F is for : Fairy tales

Fun and freaky fact : Han Christian Anderson, who wrote The Princess And The Pea, died in 1875, never fully recovering from an injury sustained three years ealier... when he fell out of his bed.

E is for : Elephant

Fun and freaky fact : During World War II the very first bomb dropped on Berlin by the allies killed the only elephant at Berlin zoo. Also... elephants are capable of learning up to 60 commands. "Get out the way, Dumbo" obviously isn't one of them!

D is for : Duck

(in case you don't get the little joke, a quack is another name for a doctor - "MD" on the bag.) I do get some foreign visitors to the blog, you know. It can help sometimes... and my daughter checks it out as well and she needs all the help I can give!! She's been a fan of Mary Poppins for a dozen or so years, watched it countless times but wasn't until Friday gone that she finally got the joke, "... man with a wooden leg called Smith - what was the other leg called?" All these years my daughter laughed because other people laughed!!
Fun and freaky fact : A duck's quack doesn't echo! Imagine being in a cave. "HELLO :  hello : hello      quack.

C is for : Cowboy

 Fun and freaky facts : Cowboys hardly had any contact with what you might call decent women. Many cowboys organized "stag dances" where some of them would dress up as women and dance with other cowboys. I'm not saying anything...  not a word...  nope. Nothing at all. But we've all know what ugly women look like after we've had a few drinks.

B is for : Bomb

 Fun and freaky fact : If you consistently fart for six years and nine months enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atom BOMB. So close! two more days to go but I ran out of brussels.

A is for : Art gallery

 Not sure why I'm going to attempt this but as it's sort of advent calender time of the year I'm gonna attempt one cartoon/sketch each day for each letter of the alphabet. I know there are 26 letters in the alphabet but I'm gonna throw in Boxing Day as a bonus... or drop X, 'cos that'll just be X-files anyway! And I'll throw in a fun and freaky fact (possibly half inched from Alice Coopers radio show) The largest art gallery in the world is in St Petersburg. You would have to walk 15 miles to see all 322 rooms containing in total around 3 million works of art! And after al that you still wouldn't have found the painting of dogs playing poker, perhaps the greatest work of art of all time. Look at the 'ittle dogies. Aren't they cute?

Who put the "ann" in tyranny?

Today I present a little drawing of a row of canal-side houses in Amsterdam (note the gentle reflction in the condom infested canal) Today I salute the worlds greatest exponent of Hide & Seek. Anne Frank hid from the nazis from July 1942 till August 1944, just over two years. In fairness to the nazis they did count up to 45,456,825 before looking for her, easily finding her behind a lamp standard. During her two years hiding Anne Frank kept a diary. A typical weeks entry read : Monday - hid. Tuesday - hid. Wednesday -hid. Thursday - played the drums... only kidding - hid. A much more lighthearted read is the diary of Mohammed Bin Collection, a detained suspected terrorist. Monday - "had electrodes attached to my testicles. 5,000 volts, lover-ly! Bring it on Yankee Boy". Tuesday - "watched Loose Women : Please. No more, I'll talk!!!"

Walk this way

  I can't really add too much to what the map says but Jack the Ripper walks aren't the only way to use up a bit of shoe leather. Other walks around London will take in various quirky attractions such as the worlds smallest police station - to be found at the south east corner of Trafalgar Square. Just big enough to hold two policeman it was used mainly to keep an eye on protesters but is no longer used by the police. Instead it's a broom cupboard for Westminster council cleaners. I could make a sarcastic comment but I'll leave that up to you. Answers on a postcard or on the back of a sealed down envelope. (I miss Swap Shop!) Maybe you'd like to see the only street in Britain where cars drive on the right! Savoy Court to be exact... no I'm not making this up! How about taking a look at the lions in Trafalgar square. (near the broom cupboard) They're incorrect. Seriously! Crouched as they are there backs should be convex but they are concave. Big Ben is leaning over, it's not straight! Finally you could look for a street with the unfortunate title of Gropecunt Lane!! You'd be disappointed as that name hasn't been used since 1561!! Still you can make do with Back Passage or Cumming Street!

What's in a (place) name?

 I've often been asked, "Going anywhere for your holidays, sir. Shall I keep the gimp costume for next time?" In response to the first question I usually reply, STOPATOME. "Where's that?" they'll ask. REMAINIA I reply. Some people still don't get it! So for them (and possibly you) I've drawn a map of the area where the main hotel is situated. (!) Maybe I will try somewhere different next time, perhaps travelling around a bit. First stop might be Shitterton in Dorset. Then I'd catch a shrimp boat to Spain and travel to Poo in northern Spain and onto Moron de la Frontera before passing into Austria and Windpassing. I'd hitch a ride with the Austrian bob sleigh team down to Albania and visit Puke. A donkey ride would take me through the Czech Republic via Bendover and on into Germany where I would enjoy the pleasures that Petting has to offer before taking a look at Dong. Then it's home via a medieval travelling show but not before I've gone to Denmark and taken in Middlefart. Now that lot would make for a hell of a map!

Commercial Break : number one

Unfortunately I've had to take on some advertising to pay for my blog so apologies first...! A while ago now at some place where I used to work, I had the idea of Celebrity Death Sweep stake : pick a famous person who looks like there about to buy the farm and you have until the end of the year to collect. (I always went for Gregory Peck -  June 2003 - Result!) I'd listen to the news and a report might start, "Hollywood is in mourning today at the sad loss of..." then that sense of anticipation, the sweaty palms (Oi! stop thinking that!) the Adrenalin, and then... the crushing discovery that it was someone else like Tom Bosley! (the dad in Happy Days) Now when I say sweep stake, there was only one other person who had the same warped mind as me so there was never much money involved... now when I say, not much, I actually mean none. (being a phone jockey paid sod all) But if I was to wager a small amount (equivalent say to my monthly charity donation (sic!) then I'd wager £50 on Peter O'Toole and £25 E/W on Christopher Lee. 38 days left. C'mon my son! 
On a sort of, On This Day thing - in 2001 Mary Whitehouse died. Couldn't get away with saying fuck off when she was alive, could you?

I'll Punch your lights out.

The traditional seaside show for kids of all ages... by that they mean, "There's nothing else to do around here so you might as well watch this." As far as a career in entertainment goes this is probably quite a bit down the scale. Like there's : "And the Oscar for best actor goes to..." And then you have, "That's the way to do it!" In football terms you have : "And Carles Puyol lifts the World Cup for Spain." And then you have, "Well we picked the fat kid so you're left with the spotty, four-eyed gimp what pissed himself in chemistry!" The kids at a Punch & Judy show often shout, "Behind you!" They mean your career, mate!

Bieber's baby blues

So it looks like Justin Bieber might turn out to be a daddy, if the tabloids are to believed. I have every faith in these esteemed organs... as did Mariah Yeater (that should be busty Mariah Yeater according to the Sun) who took a keen interest in young Master Bieber's organ. Always the romantic, Justin suggested they use the toilet. Who needs champagne, flowers or chocolates when the aroma of Toilet Duck seals the deal. 30 minutes later and... What was that? Say that again. It was 30 seconds? Let me just read the article again... "17 year old Justin... Selena Gomez... donkey... handcuffs..." Yes!! 30 seconds! What a stud muffin. Most people put the kettle on and make the tea during the adverts on the telly but his missus can look forward to tea AND a tug on his Jammy Dodgers.

No thanks, I'm stuffed.

And now the other 3 cartoons I drew for Teddy Station which appear to be exactly what was required. A bear joke? How about :
A woman in Alaska wakes up one morning and sees that she has bear on her roof. She finds a "Bear removal service" in the yellow pages and calls the number. A man turns up with a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a vicious looking rottweiler.
"So how do you get the bear off my roof?" she asks.
"I use the ladder to get up on the roof and knock the bear off with the baseball bat.When the bear hits the ground the rottweiler is trained to grab hold of his testicles and not let go. The bear is then subdued enough for me to get him into the back of the van."
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the woman.
"Well. If for some reason I should fall off the roof first, shoot the f**king dog!"

Workin' for the bears

First three of what will be six illustrations commissioned by a shop called Teddy Station in my home town, sort of shop where younger kids can pick up an empty lifeless character and stuff it till it comes to life... like Thursdays in the local old folks home when Mayhem is full. I had to call on my inner child to help with the concept but he just told me to go screw myself and get off his case, "old git!" I went for a walk in the local woods the other week and thought I'd come across a teddy bears picnic. Turns out it was an impromptu dogging session I'd stumbled upon.(If you must ask, it's watching people engaging in a bit of how's your father in a car. Nothing against this sort of thing but, c'mon mate... once the lights turn green you're holding everyone else up!)

Sketchbook of depression

A wizened old lady walked down a dark street,

With a tatty old jumper and no shoes on her feet.

From round a dark corner a sound did she hear,

So horrid and frightful it filled her with fear.

And out stepped a man with a face that was foul.

"I know you." she said, "You're that Simon Cowell!"

"I'm looking for talent for a new TV show.

You choose red or black, that's how it will go."

"But haven't you done that already, my dear?

You're repeating yourself and that much is clear." 

"But this one is different for it'll cost you your life.

Just one wrong answer and I'll make you my wife.

A bride of the undead is what you'll become,

You... and a dancer, my Aunt and a nun!"

"If a vampire you are, with my mirror I'll check...

Ooops! Too late now 'cos you're bitten my neck."

And with that the old lady breathed her last breath

And joined Simon Cowell in a land full of death.

"One thing I must ask as I enjoy this mince pie,

Tell me, dear Simon why're your trousers so high?"

Falling to pieces

 It's in old Transalvania that my story takes place.

About a young girl with a horrible face.

With ears that are torn and a nose that is crooked,

Her teeth, they're not real, they're kept in a bucket.

For Sally was made by a mad old professor,

From bits of old bodies he kept in a dresser.

A salesman once called but then never again.

His fingers, now yours, still clutching his pen.

Your legs once belonged to an old German Shepherd,

Not the dog, but the man. Didn't put up much effort.

And so there you sit in a squalled old room,

With thoughts in your head thinking, "What is that tune?"

For was a DJ called Stu who gave you his brain.

The rest of his body got washed down the drain.

You sit there and pick at the stitches that hold you,

Nothing better to do since you're under a curfew.

First a leg then an arm get thrown in the fire,

Then your lower intestines you no longer desire.

And after a while when there isn't much left,

Just a head and a torso still in your old vest.

And so comes the end of a young girl called Sally,

Whose last few remains were found in an alley.

The Pumpkin man

Let me tell you a tale as we near Halloween,

That'll curdle your blood and turn milk into cream.

For on a night like this and I'm not taking the piss,

A life is extinguished and goes something like this.

Young David it is that my story's about,

Who'd bought a new car, one with plenty of clout.

So parked in the woods with his girlfriend he sat.

With a grin on his face and her face in his lap.

Now stories abound of a pumpkin-like man,

With hate in eyes and who drove a white van.

He'd drive through the woods with but one obsession.

To kill any young men that have got an erection.

And so we have Dave with his girlfriend, Rebecca,

Kissing and smooching and stroking his pecker.

"Are they real?" asks Dave as he loosens her sweater.

"No. I just had them done. D'ya think they feel better?"

Then out of the blue came a bang on the car,

Just as young Dave was undoing her bra.

He saw through the window the flash of a blade.

Dave realised now that he wouldn't get laid.

But wasn't the Pumpkin Man who took Dave's life.

Was a nutter of a man, for the girl was his wife.

Forgot something?

Nearly the end of the flat season and I don't recall posting anything to do with horse racing. My favourite flat horse when I was a little kid was Brigadier Gerard, a brilliant horse who won 15 straight races until beaten by Roberto... a horse named after an Arthur Conan Doyle character beaten by a horse sharing his name with a Brazilian footballer. Nothing dirty about those names... unlike, Barely Legal, Rhythm Method, Golden Shower, Blow Me or (my favourite) Hardawn! I admit I've only got the internet to go by but I HAVE seen video of Hoof Hearted winning. That was priceless!!

Not now, Donkey!

With Wayne Rooney out of the Manchester United game against the formidable FC Basle (well, formidable in Basle anyway) Who will Alex Ferguson call on? Just for novelty value he should get Rooney's brother off the bench... when I say, bench, I mean Swamp. And when I say, brother, I mean... brother!! And Hernandez is also out of the game with a dead leg. (not completely dead mind you, just an appendage) These footballers, eh? They throw themselves to the ground at the slightest touch and now pull out out of a big game just 'cos they're slowly decomposing. I say get Donkey up front with Shrek and see how the partnership works out. I like Donkey. Sometimes I imagine he's walking beside me when I go to the shops. Just thought I'd throw that in! Oh, and Sid from the Ice Age movies... I imagine a lot of things!

Don't mention the war

On this day in 1975... people were talking about Fawlty Towers which was first shown on TV the night before. Yes I should have posted this yesterday but getting home at 6.30 in the morning meant I wasn't in any state to post anything. Anyway, my 5 favourite episodes? 5: The Germans. 4: The Kipper and the Corpse. 3: The Psychiatrist. 2: Basil the Rat. And best episode EVER... Communication Problems. "I can't see the sea." "You can see the sea. It's over there between the land and the sky." "Well, it's not good enough!"

Me and 3D : part one

Several months ago armed with a copy of Blender, a piece of 3D software, and way too much time on my hands, I worked on a few animated cartoon ideas. But along with having more interest in my drawn cartoons and the thought of posting them on YouTube only for eight people to even bother looking at weeks of effort, I decided to shelve the ideas. One cartoonwould have been about the character below leaving a fancy dress party and walking home.

As he walks along a row of shops he notices one of those newspaper headline boards with a headline that isn't something he'd want to read in his situation.

Maybe in the new year I'll get round to finishing it along with a couple of other cartoons which I'll post some quick renders of soon. Oh, and that's not an oven chip in the bottom two renders. It was a shape used for human scale!!

Too MUCH rubbish?

Boffins have warned that it's a bit crowded up there in space. So much so that action needs to be taken otherwise some of the rubbish might fall back down to earth. You see, it appears that we have a bit too much junk floating around and no one wants to see a little kid leaving Mcdonalds clutching his chicken Mc-Nuggets only to get splattered by a toilet. (Well, if I was honest, there is a part of me who would laugh at that.) Their solution is to use giant magnets to draw all the crap away from earth. I'm pretty sure I've seen this on Thunderbirds and it didn't end well! Alternative? Oi, Bruce Willis! Get suited up, it's time again... What d'ya mean he died in the film! Did Steve Buscemi live? He'll have to do.

Through the round window

It's the last day of football's transfer window and it's when millions of pounds are spent but looking back through old transfer fees, for £8,693,333.33 you could have bought : Ray Clemence, Terry Butcher, Bobby Moore, Emyln Hughes, Stuart Pearce (back 4 and goalie) Alan Ball, Ray Wilkins, Brian Robson (midfield) and forwards : Kevin Keegan, Ian Rush and Malcolm Macdonald. I only include him because he was responsible for the 33p above!!! All the above together would get you about a sixth of Fernando Torres. Well, His feet are useless so that leaves a torso, a head, 2 arms and he's bollocks. (Yeah, spelt "he's" correctly!) Hey, Fernando! What do you call those things at either end of the pitch? No, not photographers... no, not corner flags...

Sketchbook of panic

I've heard that the next time England play New Zealand we're going to respond to their Haka with some effeminate morris dancing, bells and all. The idea being that they'll be pissing themselves laughing so much that we'll storm into a seven point lead and thereafter adopt similar tactics to Bugs Bunny and co in Space Jam... put explosives in the ball when they're about to kick for a penalty, keep moving the goal posts if thy attempt a drop goal or put our players in spring heeled boots to gain an advantage at line-outs. The only way we'll win the World Cup this time, IN New Zealand, is to use that film as a template or, like all the other teams, hope that someone else knocks them out before the final.

Conan the whatever!

In a parallel universe Arnold... President Arnold Schwarzenegger drew the curtains on a glittering acting career with a 3rd best actor oscar for his incredible performance as Ghandi in, "Ghandi 2: Lust For Glory". Arnie had previously won the award for his portrayal of Colonel Gaddafi in Martin Scorsese's "Carry On Up The Dictator" and a year earlier for the lead role of O.J. Simpson in, "If The Glove Fits". After marrying his childhood sweetheart Sarah Conner, Arnie set about the campaign which saw the Austrian Oak take his place in the historic oval office of the Whitehouse. Arnold would go onto win re-election twice before returning to movies as a middle aged Harry Potter in,"Harry Potter and fuck me is there no end to these bloody films". A 4th oscar was to follow, this time as director in the James Bond film, "Oh, no! Goldenballs from Russia with diamonds and eyes to kill another day who loved me not enough with a view to kill with the golden gun tomorrow on her majesty's secret octopussy of solace."

Are you taking the piss?

Funny to see screen legend (in France, anyway) Gerard Depardieu getting chucked off the plane prior to his flight to Dublin. Having seen some of his films they might have waited till they were at 10,000 feet. Air France are insisting he stood up and took a piss in the aisle but his friends say was relieving himself in an empty wine bottle... which might explain the rather bitter Chardonnay I had with lunch yesterday!

Tuesday, newsday

As if there isn't enough suffering in the world, Jordan has announced that she is going to be recording a new album. (all around the country deaf people are cutting off their ears) As if to provide some sort of justification she said the album will be for charity... Royal society for the deaf? Perhaps she means that as with bands such as Kiss, AC/DC and the Eagles who sold their last albums exclusively in Wall-mart stores, Jordan's album will be on sale exclusively IN charity shops! Once it's recorded could I suggest a copy be sent to our troops in Afghanistan. They could blast it out at the Taliban. It'll have the same effect as the bombing of Hiroshima.
Colonel Gaddafi has asked for people to martyr themselves (wait till Jordan's album comes out, mate!) He'll still be alive but his followers will be thinking they're taking the fight to the enemy and a glorious death awaits them. Gaddafi has now fired the first scud missile of the conflict. Fortunately it missed it's target... Brega. Not a library or a rebel stronghold or even a sports stadium, but a whole town!! Blimey, even Fernando Torres could hit a town!
His team-mate John Obi Mikel's father has been kidnapped back home in Nigeria. Although no ransom demand has yet to be received it's rumoured to be a million pounds and Fernando Torres in an exchange deal... better to be safe than sorry. Offer them five million. It's the only way you'll get rid of him.
Manchester United's new goalie, David De Gea has had a bad start to the season and is taking quite a bit of flack. To be fair, most goalies have a weakness... his just happens to be goalkeeping!

Sketchbook of fright

Film and TV characters never seem to get hungry or even go to the toilet. 24's Jack Bauer can go a whole day and never feel the need to see a man about a dog... unless the dog owner happens to have hidden 10lb's of high explosive up the dog's arse. Any normal person would quite easily find themselves in a situation of having to say, "I'm sorry, Madame President. I know you're about to be shot but I've got a tortoise in the tunnel and these jeans have to last 24 episodes!" Never in, what was it? seven seasons? did Bauer walk into shot saying, "Blimey, I needed that." And as for characters like Batman. How the hell DOES he take a leak? That suit's got no buttons. If he was to stop for a bite to eat and let's say he has a fancy for a Chicken Madrass, he's got to be able to get cheek to seat pretty sharpish. I've sat at work and buried quite a few in my chair so Batman's suit after even a mild Korma would stink to high heaven!!

We don't need another hero

Phoenix Jones is a real-life superhero who lives in Seattle. And he's not the only one. Thorn, Gemini, Thunder 88 are among a group calling themselves the Raincity Superhero Movement. There's also another member of the team called, No Name. You have to think that his heart just isn't into it! Phoenix's suit, so we're told, incorporates a bullet-proof vest and trauma plating that protects his "sensitive" areas... such as any sense of embarrassment! Phoenix says that, "When I walk into a neighbourhood, criminals leave the area because they see the suit." They've just gone round the corner because they're pissing themselves laughing, mate!

Hare raising tails : number six

The cold war was infamous for the number of spies working for various agencies : MI5, KGB, B&Q to name but three. But the most ruthless organisation was the renowned, Moscow State Circus. The animals were all fakes and inside the elephant, for example, were at least three people. One of them would use the trunk as a camera and take pictures of any prominent person in the audience. The high wire walker was a trained assassin who could walk along a rope between the rooftops of any two important buildings gaining entrance through a window. The only reason they never actually managed to complete a mission was on account of the exploding cars that the clowns used... that really was the quality of East European cars back then and totally useless in a get-away situation!!