Sunday, 5 August 2012

...after the horse has bolted

I did notice that some of the teams at the opening ceremony was larger than 4 years ago. Bit handy really if you fancy "missing" the boat back and show up at your local council office asking for benefits. You can imagine some Albanian athlete turning up at the selection meeting. "So, Igor. What's your personal best for the 100 meters?" - About a minute and a half." - "You're in." Eat your heart out Usain Bolt, I used to do the 100 meters in about 10 seconds.. in the arcades on that Track And Field game!!! Remember that game? You either had the 2 button version or the joystick version. I preferred the buttons. Banging a joystick back and forth was like a busman's holiday to a teenager!!!!

Wednesday, 1 August 2012

Timorous Beasties

As patron of the WWF I was recently invited to wrestle the last remaining living Benaya h'll bird in it's natural habitat in a skip at the back of Tescos. The Benaya h'll bird is famed for it's prowess with the ladies. It's mating ritual includes chasing a long line of females dressed in nurses uniforms around the car park whilst squawking a tuneless rendition of Yakety Yak. The casual observer might also get the feeling that this all happens as if somehow speeded up. As for the wrestling match, I won by technical knock out and the Benaya h'll (Benny Hill!! I know, tenuous ain't it?) bird is now available in a bargain bucket in Fat Achmed's Chicken Palace.

Sunday, 29 July 2012

Is that your final answer?

Game show contestants are a strange breed... by strange I mean thick. Some classic responses to questions in Family Fortunes make you think that the family members watching at home are the one's who got the looks.
Something made of wool : A sheep -- A word used to describe a very hot day : A very hot day -- Something that comes in 7's : Fingers -- Something you open other than a door : Your bowels
Mind you, for the last one the question would have to be the other way round!! I went earlier today and it was a baby's arm. Flushed it and it was still looking at me like a crocodile in a cave. Talk about knowing I'd passed one, it signed the guest book on the way out!

Saturday, 28 July 2012

Booked if I know!

Today I salute a new phenomenon, mummy porn... I thought we already had that with MILF but maybe I'm wrong. It seems every woman in the world has read the Fifty Shades of Grey books including my daughter. This was a bit of a surprise, not because of her tender years but because I didn't know she could read!! She said the books are a bit of an eye opener, a feeling I felt when I first read Enid Blyton's Famous Five take it up the wrong 'un. The first book has now become the fastest selling paperback beating the Harry Potter books. Don't worry, Potter-ites, the re-issued Potter books will be back at number one with added dialogue such as, "Okay, Harry. Now the safety word is Wingardium Leviosa." "Don't worry Dobbie, I done this before."

Friday, 27 July 2012

Flagged Offside

Ahh, the Olympics have arrived and so has Mr Cock-up. To be more specific, he's booked into a Premier Inn in Glasgow just a stones throw from where North Korea's first footie game was played. There was a bit of a cock up with the flags. Come on, North Korea, just deal with it. It's not as if anyone back home is going to see the game as no one's got a TV. At best the game would have been on the radio but the commentary would have been pre-recorded having North Korea win 3-0. North Korea have probably recorded them winning the football gold medal along with about 20 other events. It's not as if the flag thing was the worst thing to ever happen during a tournament... a girl from Kazakhstan won gold at some event in Kuwait but instead of the real national anthem the organizers played the one from Borat !!!!

Saturday, 2 June 2012

I've got wood

Yesterday was Rolling Stones' Ronnie Wood's birthday so in honour of this event, but in no way as good as him getting his free bus pass, I've posted an old 3D render I've had hanging around on my hard drive. It's also an excuse to start updating this blog like I used to. I think the identity parade needs explaining as it's not too obvious. On the left is Sharon stone, then the Rolling stones, stone Cold Steve Austin and Oliver stone... yeah, well it is an old cartoon, they'll get better. (actually, they wont!!)

Friday, 24 February 2012

Mine's a pint

This is one of the cartoons I'm drawing for an ongoing project. Basically they're to illustrate a safety manual and stress, in the above case, the dangers of entering an area contaminated with cyanide without the correct breathing equipment. Most people see a few spy films on TV or something about the last days of WWII and think that cyanide only comes in the form of capsules that the baddies bite onto... but noooooo! It's a very common substance, in small amounts. The mining industry does however use a large amount and the manual stresses the dangers.
Image used with kind permission of the author. I don't know to much about copy-write but if anyone uses this cartoon I'll stamp on your head and kill your dog. I'm pretty sure that's what copy-write infringement is!!

Wednesday, 22 February 2012

Taking the piss

I had a blind friend round for dinner once, nothing special, cheese on toast. I gave him the cheese grater and said I had to have a pee. Came back and he said it was the worst book he'd ever read! Guide dogs are clever. They know exactly where they're going. If your sat nav ever breaks down just grab the nearest guide dog and say, Manchester!! You'll b there before tea time... quicker if you let him drive!

Sunday, 12 February 2012

Forget me not

I don't know about this elephants never forgetting idea. My best friend is an elephant and he's always late if we've arranged to meet up, keeps saying, "sorry I forgot it was today." He's even got a bit of string with a knot in it but he can't remember if it's his bit of string, the knot is his which makes me think it's his bit of string. He keeps all his receipts but doesn't have one for string although he does have a receipt for a length of rope. I suggested that if he bought it from a very tall person then to them it might be string!! Trouble is, he can't remember where the shop is so we're still none the wiser. He was on Mastermind once but passed on all his questions.

Monday, 30 January 2012

Ohh aah, jester a little bit

These are the finals inks and one of the finished colour artworks for a recently completed job. BEST client EVER!!! Those of you in the know (or who don't get out much) might recognise some of the references included in each character. Jesters as I mentioned previously are alive (not if I had a loaded gun) and well in old Blighty. I'd like to say a big hello to Jonathan the Jester, official jester to the city of Sailsbury. If you're reading this, er... want a cartoon, eh? like what you see? I'm cheap!!!

Monday, 23 January 2012

It's a man's best friend's life in the army

In 1969 John Lennon famously returned his medal, the MBE he and the rest of The Beatles were each awarded four years earlier. But at least it was his choice. In 1943 Chips was awarded the distinguished service medal. Chips was part of the US 3rd infantry division. The medal was awarded for, "Courageous action in singlehandedly eliminating a dangerous machine gun nest and causing the surrender of the crew". Four months later the medal was rescinded. Chips was a dog!! Half husky, half shepherd but all action hero! Either Chips was unique in being able to use a machine gun or he must have looked so cute in his little army uniform, so cute in fact that the Germans were distracted enough for Chips to steal their weapons and bury them outside. Chips decided that his future lay not with he army but with the air force and was part of the team put together by Professor Openheimer to develop the atomic bomb. Chips' legacy lived on however in the Vietnam War. His son, Fries, was the inspiration for the Robert Duvall character in Apocalypse  Now. Fries would arise every day to announce, "I love the smell of my own arse in the morning."

Saturday, 21 January 2012

Keeping abreast of things

This is an unsold topical cartoon so it's a bit late to find a market for it so... I really can believe the sheer nerve of these women who have been informed that there breast implants might blow up should their speed drop below 50 mph... or something. Now it was their decision to have these implants purely as a vanity exercise. Non of these women were told by a doctor, I'm sorry, Miss. You have leukaemia, but if you decide to have bigger tits you will be cured!! Now they're insisting that the national health (that's Mr. and Mrs. Tax payer) should foot the bill! Bugger off. You're so vain and celebrity obsessed that you're all, Oooh! I want big tities, I want to be like Jordan or that other girl Katie Price. But now it's all gone... tits up, you want us to pay for them. If I'd had a it of a play around with them, maybe. But no, you're own ladies.

Wednesday, 18 January 2012


Something all over the news is that Wikipedia isn't up today, well the English version anyway. A lot of people say how unreliable the thing is but I'll have none it. If it wasn't for Wikipedia I'd never have known That World War two was actually a prequel to World War one. WWI was so successful that dictators in Europe immediately ordered another one. The second World War stared Tom Hanks and Matt Damon (who played the parts of three sisters working as French prostitutes. When two of them caught the clap Tom Hanks had to find and shag the third one) Also featured in the prequel was Clint Eastwood who led a team of misfits behind enemy lines to steal a thousand jars of Gold Blend coffee right from under the noses of the Australians. The war was originally in black & white until the Welsh bombed Pearl Gabor, Greta's sister, and America brought colour into the European theatre of operations (along with stockings and gum) Other well known stars in the war were Frank Sinatra, who had an express train named after him, Liam Neeson who was obsessed with to do lists and a whole bunch of scruffy unwashed soldiers, dirty buggers, at least a dozen of them. Then there were all the escape attempts. Many famous actors escaped the war such as Richard Attenbourough. He went on to marry Ghandi and put a lot of money into breeding dinosaurs who then attacked all the Germans and they surrendered. Then the dinosaurs killed Godzilla and the Japanese surrendered and that was it. There might have been a few, "citations needed" but I believe every word, because most of it was filmed and it's on Sky movies!!

Saturday, 14 January 2012

A rare insight, part 1

I thought I'd share a little bit of the real me with the world, yes, the world!!! my blog is big in Costa Rica. The one television that the island has is in the repair shop at the moment. In my bathroom (where, in MTV terminology,  the magic happens) I have a charming collection of whimsical figurines called Boggies.
Now, to the uninitiated or the ignorant, they may simply look like the inside of bog rolls with faces scribbled on them. They do in fact magically transport themselves from the faraway land of Anderex-cushelle. A land of fairy folk and pixies who live in upturned teapots and sleep on beds of old tea bags.
These simple but magical folk as nothing in return, they don't value money and simply require me to leave my old teabags out on the window sill overnight and in the morning they have left me a brand new Boggie. So I ask everyone out there to do likewise and soon your house will seem a happier brighter place... oh, hello, nurse! Is it time for my medication already?

Tuesday, 10 January 2012

I'm Henry the eighth, I am

What the hell was that on TV last night? I was watching the FA cup highlights and what looked like Only Fools and Horses' Uncle Albert had blacked up and came on as a substitute for Arsenal!! What has Thierry Henry being doing since he left Arsenal? Set p his own badger reserve? We're led to believe he's been playing for the New York Red Bulls Give You Wings in the American inter-Continental soccer league east conference. I think he replaced Tom Hanks on that island and has only just been rescued. In all fairness to him, what a goal, what a story. The way he took that lateral pass from his defensive tight end and rushed for eight yards before beating the Leeds linebacker then slam-dunking the ball passed the on rushing Leeds quarterback was brilliant. F.A. Bowl for the gunners, eh?